I feel it closing in, I feel it closing in

[j4]

This morning I looked from the screen to the sky and, for one frightening moment, I could no longer tell them apart. All I could see was flickering white in front of me and flickering white through the window. The only difference I could see was that the one which was fractured by trees was bright enough to hurt my eyes. Then everything was fractured by tears.

There is nothing poetic about tears running down one's cheeks when their fall ends in a prosaic splash on a wood-effect desk. There is nothing romantic about fishing for tissues in a drawer full of teabags. Energy tea, detox tea; a collection of warm, comforting lies. Change your life with tea. Happiness is a steaming cup of ginseng, ginger, echinacea, redbush, flowering fad, organic bandwagon.

I'm hedging my bets today: alternating between the quasi-spiritual cleansing properties of herbal teas and the cheap comfort of sweets, doughnuts, and fizzy drinks. My body is not so much a temple as a racetrack, or perhaps a market.

In between drinking and eating, I watch words scroll past on IRC. Sometimes I even type some of them. Having other people to "talk" to is about the only thing that's keeping me faintly sane on a day-to-day, minute-to-minute basis; but according to a recently published flamme à clef by a local would-be author it's all just a game of Ego Stroking.

Alt-4. Alt-4. Shutting down applications one by one. They disappear like the days, the weeks, the months, the years. Time to start the daily journey into the dark.

Comments

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

Right; so you're not bothering with the à clef then?

If you want me to stop talking about things as I see them, then you're asking more than I'm prepared to give. We are stuck in a small, incestuous and claustrophobic community of friends and acquaintances and there is no single one of us who does not need an outlet for the frustrations that can occasionally give rise to. Don't criticise me for finding mine.

Oh, and you are aware I've already been published once, aren't you?

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

if you talk about things in public, you invite public reply

Indeed. And if I'd been talking exclusively and pointedly about #cakes, I would not be objecting to you responding. Although, if I'd been talking exclusively and pointedly about #cakes you'd never actually have seen the entry in the first place; I am neither totally without a shred of common decency nor stupid. As ever, Janet, you are excelling at taking general complaints personally; I doubt very much, however, that I can argue you into developing a sense of proportion. By your argument - that my entry about IRC is a thinly veiled personal attack on you - then it should also be a thinly veiled personal attack on everyone else I'm satirising; so in addition to your being offended, I should also be being flamed by (at least) antinomy, emperor (damn - I forgot to put in Gut Parasites I Have Known), mobbsy, iwj, Owen, _myself_ (where do I work this week?), the rest of #chiark and anyone else who's ever used IRC. I'll let you know when I get the petition.

"Freedom of speech" is a double-edged sword, as well you know.

The world-weary sarcasm and heavy moralisation really don't suit you any better than the self-indulgent rambling, I'm afraid; and I'm not fooled by either tactic. You are anxious to emphasise that you also have a considerable intellect and creative skill; then don't waste it on petty bitchery, and don't expect me to believe that you're the injured innocent given I know about it, either.

It was very clever of you to accuse me of covert flaming - it's a nice way to divert the reader's attention from the fact that the last part of your entry is in fact exactly that, a flame carefully disguised as an expression of your profound and utter misery - but I'm afraid I'm bright enough to spot the actual tenor of the piece, and all the similar stuff that's going on underneath your comment above as well. The only difference I can detect between the two of us is that you appear compelled to attempt to claim the moral high ground, whereas I am quite aware there is effectively none in an argument like this.

In future, if you've got a problem with what I say in my journal, either make it known in a comment on my journal - much the same strategy I use, you'll find, whether or not I find the most literarily polished, considered and perfected wording when I write a comment off the cuff - or spew your bile somewhere I won't see it. If you don't like comments I make, it's your journal: be proactive, get rid of them. Custom friends groups and the delete/hide comments function are the tools you need.