My desk had to ask me to stop reading half-way through; apparently my head was giving it bruises.

Also

Could you clarify at exactly what point I'm supposed to feel despair for not looking like "celebrities"?

I think the answer is "whenever you're not very very scared". It's much easier to sell people things they don't need or want if you can make them scared or despairing. The proportion of the commercial world that appears to make money by brutalising people and then telling them "buy this to feel better" depresses me. I just wish there was something I could do about it other than eat chocolate.