Thought I'd something more to say

[j4]

cjwatson's party was mostly good. I didn't feel very partyish beforehand but dragged myself out anyway, and in the end it was nice to talk to people; it's just a shame everybody seems to be having so much stress at the moment.

I managed to sleep (off and on -- and at least stay in bed) until gone 1pm today, though this doesn't seem to have made me any less tired. I didn't have as bad a hangover as poor sion_a, but I started feeling ill in the afternoon and now I feel exhausted, weepy, queasy, shivery, and achey all over.

Supposed to be writing job applications but I simply can't face it. Will have to try to find time in the week somehow. :-/

And I still miss hoiho dreadfully. It just hurts all the time, and at the moment I'm feeling even more insecure and hopeless than usual about the whole thing.

He's got an interview next week for a job in Edinburgh, and I'm torn between hoping that he gets the job because it'd make him happy ... and hoping he doesn't get it because if he settles down with J. and the kids again I doubt if he'll ever leave. :-( At the moment I just feel useless, and I don't feel like I have anything to offer him; certainly nothing that would justify all the stress he'd have to go through to be with me.

And yes, I could move up to Scotland to be near him, but I'm less and less convinced that there'd be any point; I'd still rarely be able to see him, and I'd be hundreds of miles away from everybody else in the country that I knew.

I feel like I'm wishing for the impossible, and part of me thinks that maybe I should just admit that, and stop making hoiho's life so bloody awkward for him, and that I should just crawl away and die quietly in a corner somewhere. I feel like I'm using up all my energy fighting for something that I have no power to obtain and no right to wish for in the first place. :-(