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24 Hour Party People
"You must go on; I can't go on; I'll go on."
Another weekend of spending too much and drinking too much, giving too much in places, taking too much in others. Wanting too much, always wanting too much. I feel like I have so little time, both locally and globally. ("But at my back I always hear / Time's winged chariot hurrying near".) I feel like I need to reach out and grasp everything within reach before it passes me by. I start to resent anybody who seems to be holding me down, holding me back; unfair, yes, and irrational, but sometimes I can't help feeling it.
Coming down is always the hard part. "Withnail & I" reminded us again that we'd failed to paint it black. "24 Hour Party People" drove the message home: what's left is always an empty building and the ashes of yesterday's smoke. The sign will always say "Factory Closing".
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just don't have enough time. I look ahead at the week and I'm out tonight, then seeing![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lnr tomorrow night; I was going to have some spare time on Wednesday afternoon after the interview that I haven't even had time to prepare for, but now it looks like that's taken up too; out Thursday night as usual, and then on Friday I'm heading over to Oxford. Saturday is another party; Sunday I'll be trying to see all the people I haven't seen for ages in Oxford, and then heading back to Cambridge for another party.
I can't miss a thing. I can't let things go by. I can't stop. I can't carry on like this.
...
Going to seedaneel_olivaw tonight, now that he's finally installed in his new flat in Cambridge. Spent some time helping him unpack on Saturday, along with lnr, rjk, sion_a, hoiho, simonb and angua -- we got a fair amount of stuff shifted but hopefully he'll be a bit more settled in by now. Feeling guilty about not spending more time with him on Sunday but it did look like that weekend had already been claimed by ejde, and I was just too hungover to be of any use to anybody. (Of course, real poly people don't get hangovers, don't get tired, are supremely organised, and always have enough time; so they can always be bright and cheery and free to do exciting things as soon as any of their partners turn up. Yet another point on the list of "Reasons why j4 is a crap girlfriend".)
Right now I just want to crawl away and hide.
Another weekend of spending too much and drinking too much, giving too much in places, taking too much in others. Wanting too much, always wanting too much. I feel like I have so little time, both locally and globally. ("But at my back I always hear / Time's winged chariot hurrying near".) I feel like I need to reach out and grasp everything within reach before it passes me by. I start to resent anybody who seems to be holding me down, holding me back; unfair, yes, and irrational, but sometimes I can't help feeling it.
Coming down is always the hard part. "Withnail & I" reminded us again that we'd failed to paint it black. "24 Hour Party People" drove the message home: what's left is always an empty building and the ashes of yesterday's smoke. The sign will always say "Factory Closing".
I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I just don't have enough time. I look ahead at the week and I'm out tonight, then seeing
lnr tomorrow night; I was going to have some spare time on Wednesday afternoon after the interview that I haven't even had time to prepare for, but now it looks like that's taken up too; out Thursday night as usual, and then on Friday I'm heading over to Oxford. Saturday is another party; Sunday I'll be trying to see all the people I haven't seen for ages in Oxford, and then heading back to Cambridge for another party.I can't miss a thing. I can't let things go by. I can't stop. I can't carry on like this.
...
Going to see
daneel_olivaw tonight, now that he's finally installed in his new flat in Cambridge. Spent some time helping him unpack on Saturday, along with lnr, rjk, sion_a, hoiho, simonb and angua -- we got a fair amount of stuff shifted but hopefully he'll be a bit more settled in by now. Feeling guilty about not spending more time with him on Sunday but it did look like that weekend had already been claimed by ejde, and I was just too hungover to be of any use to anybody. (Of course, real poly people don't get hangovers, don't get tired, are supremely organised, and always have enough time; so they can always be bright and cheery and free to do exciting things as soon as any of their partners turn up. Yet another point on the list of "Reasons why j4 is a crap girlfriend".)Right now I just want to crawl away and hide.
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Well, that proves you don't read my lj or
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Dear god, my life in 18 words. I feel ... summed-up.
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My elite ninja skills have enabled me to escape detection once again. Rar.
(Of course, real poly people
... probably spew crap to cover up their worries. The best you can do is good enough.
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Oh, sorry! I thought I'd listed you. I got confused by
The best you can do is good enough.
Not always. Not for everybody. :-(
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No need, for I am like a Shadow at a Hank Marvin fan club meet.
Loud and out of tune.
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I was just saying that I'd gone through the list of the group that I vaguely think of as "E-J and Simes and co." in my head and got mentally confused by you not being there while lots of the others were ... which I think is what made me accidentally miss
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(Email me, btw, when you know what the general plan of action is for Fri. Ta.)
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I will email when I have more of a clue what I'm doing, though I suspect the plan of action isn't going to progress much beyond what it is now ("Leave work, get on train or in car, arrive some time later"). The decision that's holding me up is whether to take the train or take
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Midnight (Denzils Song)
Night's winged horses
No one can outpace
But midnight is no moment
Midnight is a place
Meet me, meet me at Midnight,
Among the Queen Anne's lace
Midnight is not a moment,
Midnight is a place-
When, when shall I meet you
When shall I see your face
For I am living in time at present
But you are living in space
Time is only a corner
Age is only a fold
A year is merely a penny
Spent from a century's gold
So meet me, meet me at midnight
(With sixty seconds' grace)
Midnight is not a moment
Midnight is a place.
--- Joan Aiken
On a different note - it does sound like you're doing a lot. If your partners are happy, then don't worry about being a crap gf, that's not for you to judge really. However, if *you're* not happy, you need to figure out what will make you happier and work on it. Perfection's awful though (IMHO), so I wouldn't advise you to aim for it.
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What would make me happier would be being allowed to sleep for about 30 years non-stop. (This might make my partners happier too as they wouldn't have to listen to me whining.) I don't know how to work on that, apart from the obvious.
Thank you for the poem, though; I like it.
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*hug*
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This is quoting from my head. I failed to make Intrusion last night, but still plan on doing the Niddle thing tonight (modulo M25 chaos). I do it to myself, I do.
You're not alone in feeling this. You're human -- no better and no worse than the rest of us. *hugs*
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I know I'm not alone in feeling this... but everybody else seems to get a lot more done than I do. :-/