It's not stupid paranoia, though, the fluttery stomach and the incipient terror; it's mostly biology, and transient biology at that.
I keep trying to tell myself that, but mostly it just so doesn't help. :-( I wish my body would have physical symptoms for physical things. I'd rather be throwing up every 5 minutes than feeling like that.
It's Not Fair.
First bit of life-guidance (can't think of a word for it, not exactly "moral" guidance) I ever remember getting from my parents was my dad telling me "nobody ever said life had to be fair" -- the context was computer games that I was upset at losing. (Owen says it's stupid advice, and it causes Learned Helplessness.)
I can't bear it when he's cross with me, though, even if he's just snappish because I'm interrupting his breakfast with boring admin about supermarket shopping; and it makes it even worse to know that most normal people would have probably killed me by now -- it's unfair that I get upset with him even when he's being nicer than I have a right to expect. And of course once I've got upset, even if it's just the upsetness equivalent of an involuntary "ow!" when stubbing a toe, it's an instant endless downward spiral of "Don't be so touchy" and "but in an argument four months ago you said" and guilt and anger and accusations. :-(
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Re: Congratulations on going through with it!
Date: 2005-09-12 03:21 pm (UTC)I keep trying to tell myself that, but mostly it just so doesn't help. :-( I wish my body would have physical symptoms for physical things. I'd rather be throwing up every 5 minutes than feeling like that.
It's Not Fair.
First bit of life-guidance (can't think of a word for it, not exactly "moral" guidance) I ever remember getting from my parents was my dad telling me "nobody ever said life had to be fair" -- the context was computer games that I was upset at losing. (Owen says it's stupid advice, and it causes Learned Helplessness.)
I can't bear it when he's cross with me, though, even if he's just snappish because I'm interrupting his breakfast with boring admin about supermarket shopping; and it makes it even worse to know that most normal people would have probably killed me by now -- it's unfair that I get upset with him even when he's being nicer than I have a right to expect. And of course once I've got upset, even if it's just the upsetness equivalent of an involuntary "ow!" when stubbing a toe, it's an instant endless downward spiral of "Don't be so touchy" and "but in an argument four months ago you said" and guilt and anger and accusations. :-(