My final bellyache

[j4]

I feel like I'm retreating further and further into some kind of shell.

The weekend was horrible, not least because I spent most of it doubled up with stomach pain. Had about 3 hours' sleep last night, agonised about whether to go into work this morning (illness is unlikely to be anything infectious and I'll be in just as much pain if I stay home and do nothing, possibly worse because I won't have things to take my mind off it), eventually decided that if I dragged myself in for the (mildly important) meeting at 9am I could always go home afterwards.

The first thing my office-mate said when I got in was "Good weekend?" ("Not really, but at least it's over now.") I know you're not supposed to tell the truth in response to that sort of question, it's nothing to do with information-gathering, but I'm generally too shattered to think of convincing lies. I suppose I ought to get into the habit of giving a non-committal "Yeah, not bad" no matter what.

Meeting was productive, but the boss thinks that the reason I'm ill is "stress" and thinks I "may be in the wrong sort of job". Yes, I am stressed; being in discomfort and pain a lot of the time tends to make most people less-than-relaxed, I would have thought. But now I'm worrying about getting fired for being ill as well. (Yes, I know they can't fire you for being ill, but in straitened circumstances they're less likely to make an effort to keep the flaky sickly people, & the effect is the same.) The boss probably sees more of my emotional angst than a lot of people, but that's only because I've trusted him enough to talk to him; we seem to get on well most of the time, I've come to see him as a friend as well as a colleague (though I'm wary of using the word because it suggests some kind of reciprocality & it seems presumptuous to assume that). Now I feel like I shouldn't have given that trust so readily, and I worry that it'll just end up being used against me.

When I get up in the morning, I don't want to go to work. (I always do, though, because I know what happens if that starts seeming like an option instead of a necessity.) When it gets to the end of the day, I don't want to go home. (See above.) I am so deeply and bone-wearily tired that the effort of context-switching is just too much. If you gave me a reasonably comfortable place to sit and a simple task that would take 10 years to complete, I would probably just sit there and complete it.

It's getting harder and harder to talk to anybody about anything (online or offline). I feel like I'm watching the conversations from the other side of a pane of glass. There are a handful of conversations which I can have on autopilot, mostly set-piece rants or hilarious catchphrase-trading.

I feel as though I still have something to say but no way to say it.

I'll take a quiet life. Retreating into my shell.

Comments

[crazyscot.livejournal.com]

It's getting harder and harder to talk to anybody about anything (online or
offline). I feel like I'm watching the conversations from the other side of a
pane of glass.

Umm, wrt real-life conversations, you are me and can I have my brain back, please?

[ronebofh.livejournal.com]

"I know you're not supposed to tell the truth in response to that sort of question"

I do not believe that is the case. You certainly don't have to go into detail about things, but there is no social norm that demands a positive response regardless of its veracity, except perhaps in the minds of fools.

[lnr]

I've had several "Good holiday", "Well, mostly, apart from the kidney stone" conversations today. I hope you have other weekends which are better weekends soon. I don't think there's much if anything I can say that will help you feel better, but I'm thinking of you, with love.

[htfb.livejournal.com]

Buying a house is one of the most stressful things you can put yourself through, of course. No need to blame the job.

[j4.livejournal.com]

We-ell... I really don't see it as a genuine question asking "did you have a good weekend?". It's just a ping, and sending back anything more than an ACK is just confusing the issue. I don't think that's wrong, I just find it much harder to read the meaning instead of the words when I'm tired and miserable.

[j4.livejournal.com]

The house-buying is occupying maybe 5% of my brain at the moment? Certainly it really isn't consciously causing me a lot of stress at the moment. (Maybe I'm subconsciously worrying about it so much that I'm giving myself stomach ulcers [or whatever], but I'm not sure what I can do about that if so.)

The job isn't really stressful, but I probably worry about it more than I ought.

[mhw.livejournal.com]

*sympathy*

But now I'm worrying about getting fired for being ill as well.

One useful strategy for handling this (yes, it was told me by an HR person, but she is good and honest) is to be preemptive and talk with your HR people first. Most places would far rather find a way to retain an employee if possible (hiring and firing costs, plus possibilities of employment tribunals and so on) and will often work wonders in adjusting your job, long or short term, to make that possible.

Just a suggestion, so please feel free to ignore if it doesn't suit your situation.

[teleute.livejournal.com]

If it makes you feel any better, I *deliberatly* answer honestly, because I figure people shouldn't say what they don't mean :-). You can always use that as an excuse. After all, it's just as easy to say "good to see you" as "how are you?" when, as you say, it's really more of a social ping than a deep desire to know your heart.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so set apart. I hope you regain some spark soon. *hugs*

[caramel-betty.livejournal.com]

I have something similar to that. It occasionally feels like watching my life on television and/or everything around me feeling fake. I'd occasionally walk round buildings at university and it felt like they were two-dimensional building frontages, like you might find on a cheap film set for a western.

[vinaigrettegirl.livejournal.com]

Respect from one shell-dweller to another. House stuff plus bad weather plus vague angst about jobs plus deeply crap weather and NO SUN: gah...

Diet?

[hatmandu.livejournal.com]

The black dog comes. The black dog goes. That's all I knows. (And I knows.) Hope sincerely that it's off soon.

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

I presume you're in contact with your GP?

Sadly, I have to recommend that a) you talk to HR about this, and b) that you document what you're telling work about your illness, and how they handle it. (Unless of course you're doing it already.) This is because of your comment about them making no effort to keep useless sick people on the books, as I know from personal experience. Occupational Health *may* be helpful.

It's a real pain that in a stressful-ish work situation, you have to do all these things in order to try and avoid the Huge Stress of suddenly not having a job at all, or Being on Statutory Sick Pay and other unfun things.

I hope it all destresses soon.

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

Meeting was productive, but the boss thinks that the reason I'm ill is "stress" and thinks I "may be in the wrong sort of job". Yes, I am stressed; being in discomfort and pain a lot of the time tends to make most people less-than-relaxed, I would have thought. But now I'm worrying about getting fired for being ill as well. (Yes, I know they can't fire you for being ill, but in straitened circumstances they're less likely to make an effort to keep the flaky sickly people, & the effect is the same.)

That sounds pretty similar to the catch 22 I got caught in last Autumn when I had the kidney infections. However, look at it like this:

It is possible that you are not well. Illness doesn't always manifest itself as flu or malaria. If that is the case, you should be taking the time off to get well to prevent further dribs and drabs of days off; be properly ill for a bit, and then be properly better. If you are at a job where you are too scared to investigate the possibility of being ill for fear of being seen as weak (which is what I was feeling last autumn - I'm not saying it's the case with you) then the job probably is adding some element of stress to the situation, albeit unintentionally or even accidentally.

As other people say, you probably need to go see a Doctor and register the illness, and then talk to HR about it. This would not be whinging or being a slacker or being feeble and weak; it would be being sensible and proactive. I wish I could take my own advice sometimes.

if you're in pain and knacked no job is the right job

[cleanskies.livejournal.com]

You could see what your boss is saying to you as grounds for job paranoia, or you could see it as him suggesting you see your Doctor for some blood tests and a week off work.

Chances are you've just got a nasty case of post viral fatigue, about which there is not a lot to do, but it's always worth checking -- there are a couple of interesting options with stomach pain, that you really need to exclude.

I should also add that the last web whacker I knew who had crashing fatigue and agonising stomach pain went to see her Doctor and her Doctor sent her to hospital, and then .... well, she ended up off work for eleven months.

So get it checked out, eh? It's not always stress.

[imc.livejournal.com]

The weekend was horrible, not least because I spent most of it doubled up with stomach pain.

Well, that sucks. I have nothing useful to say, but GWS.

[cartesiandaemon.livejournal.com]

:( Much sympathy for an awful time.

Regarding greetings, I would assume the other person doesn't actually care about me in detail, but I can avoid burdening them with what my life is actually like, I'd throw in some non-information-response like "great, went to a play" or "don't ask! you wouldn't believe how many ways a bike can go wrong in two days". Obviously, if you just want to say "go away", "fine thanks" is the correct response, and the best way of shutting down people who ask how you are when you're awful. But otherwise, I don't think etiquette demands a zero content reply.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Maybe we could hide in a shell and say "GAH!" together some time...

Diet - the only specific foodstuff that seems to make any difference either way to the ongoing stomach problems is beer, which reliably makes it worse. (Gah! Not fair!) Last night we had lots of spicy vegetables and some tasty fresh fruit, which is probably completely against advice for bad stomach but I had a nice recipe that would use up all the slightly-old veg-box stuff... and this morning I felt a little bit better. Though I also spent most of yesterday evening in bed with a hot water bottle (heat on the stomach seems to help more than anything else) so maybe simply sleeping was what helped.

This latest attack of stomach doom does seem to keep making me so tired I can't move, all of a sudden it's like having flu or something & my limbs feel too heavy to move. I cycled into work okay this morning but then was seriously struggling to climb the stairs to the office. :-( Maybe it's some kind of virus or something, in which case it will probably go sooner or later.

The time of eating seems to make a slight difference -- eating one of those pro-macro-badscience-biotic yoghurts every morning seems to have helped a bit over the last few months, but I suspect that's more to do with Making Sure I Eat Breakfast than the yoghurt itself (need to test this by eating something else in the mornings!); and over the last couple of days having lots of small snacks seems to help keep the worst pains at bay. Maybe I have a tapeworm & it needs regular feeding. One of my teachers at school told us that the way to get rid of a tapeworm was to hold a piece of really ripe cheese in front of your open mouth, & it would come up and bite it, and then you could wind the tapeworm round a pencil & extract it. Yes, she was completely loopy. :)

Dogged

[j4.livejournal.com]

I hate dogs. If only I had some poisoned steak to put down for the yappy little bastard.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Seen several GPs, basically their advice boils down to "Sorry, can't find anything, but Gaviscon is quite good for indigestion and that sort of thing." They probably all assume I'm just making it up anyway: because I have suffered from depression on and off in the past, all my physical illnesses must be "all in the mind". And besides, every GP knows that when women say they're in pain they're just trying to get attention. :-(

The boss suggested seeing Occupational Health, but I really don't see that they'd be any more use than a GP. They would probably make me go for "counselling" (like the University counselling service, where a nice mumsy lady in floral prints says "there there, love, it'll all come out in the wash" and "I suggest having a nice walk in the fresh air"), and frankly I'd rather stick forks in my eyes.

Sorry, I don't mean to be totally negative about all your suggestions! :-/

Re: if you're in pain and knacked no job is the right job

[j4.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to get the blood tests -- if you try to tell GPs what to do, they just wash their hands of you completely. As I said in comment above, most of the GPs I've seen have said "Hm, dunno, try Gaviscon". They're just not interested. I think they assume that a thirtysomething woman with non-specific stomach pains is just a whingey attention-seeker with internet-related depression.

One GP (about two years ago) did wonder if I had gallbladder problems & actually got me an ultrasound for that, but when it didn't show anything he started muttering about stress/counselling/etc. It just makes me so angry. I don't need someone with qualifications in psychoanalysis to tell me "being in pain makes people more tired and stressed and cross than usual"!

The problem is, I go through phases when it's really bad and phases when it's just a bit uncomfortable, but when I have the really bad phases I can't get to a doctor in time to get them checked out while there might be something there to see because you can so rarely get an appointment in under a week unless it's "a medical emergency", so they prod my stomach when it's back to "normal" (ie just a bit rubbish) and can't find anything. I can't pretend I'm dying just to get them to inspect me while I'm actually ill. :-(

Grrrhh sorry. I don't mean to be all negative about what you're saying. Just.... grrrrhhhh.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry I didn't make it to your concert. :-/ I hope it went well!

[scat0324.livejournal.com]

Sorry to have been such a useless fool yesterday - I wish there was more to offer than "best wishes" (even a bit of time would be good). :-(

[monkeyhands.livejournal.com]

The only good reason for seeing HR would be arse-covering: to have a record that you told them about X or asked for help with Y. But you need to remember that they'll only be interested in covering their own arses. You might get a show of sympathy, but you won't get any real support because they're on the side of your employer, not you.

It's still a good idea to talk to HR, but you need to go in there with a very clear agenda, e.g. "I'm here to ask for flexible working" or whatever. And you need to make your own record of the conversation. You can't rely on them to do that because a) they're more about protecting themselves than you, so you can't expect their notes to back you up; and b) they may well misunderstand part if not all of what you're trying to say.

All this means that any conversation with HR should happen when you're feeling confident and not vulnerable or weepy, which is a bootstrapping issue, or do I mean chicken-and-egg, or do I mean rowing the fox across the river?

And remember, moving house is just as stressful as divorcing a swan!

Re: if you're in pain and knacked no job is the right job

[monkeyhands.livejournal.com]

I think they tell you in GP training: "Looking at the symptoms and listening to the patient will help you diagnose the problem... unless of course they've had mental health problems in the past, or they're overweight, in which case you can just assume that all their problems must be because they're depressed/mad/fat. Tell them to cheer up/lose some weight, that'll sort it."

Did you get a test for helicobacter pylori?

[j4.livejournal.com]

Aw hey, you smiled & said hello, there's not much else people can do while cycling (at least not without risking finding themselves squashed under an MDG). And you had socklets to sort out. :)

Also as I said we will be a lot nearer you in the New House (OX4 4BG) so you won't be able to escape as easily (bwahahahaha etc). (Actually I think the address I have for you is the old one - it's got a '2a' in it? - but ISTR they're not far apart anyway?)

[j4.livejournal.com]

And remember, moving house is just as stressful as divorcing a swan!

Ow it hurts when I laugh. :-}

(Thank you, though!)

Re: if you're in pain and knacked no job is the right job

[j4.livejournal.com]

I would love to cheer up and lose some weight.

I can't remember what they tested for the last time it got really bad (apart from the ultrasound for gallbladder stuff which didn't find anything), I think they did do a couple of blood tests actually but god knows what for. That was in Cambridge though so it must have been oh my god over 2 years ago.

(The problem with asking GPs to test for specific things... well. I still remember the look I got when some GP ages ago told me that there was no way Prozac could be anything to do with the side-effects I was getting, and I said "but I looked it up in the BNF and it lists it as a known side-effect". Basically if you actually do your homework then you're obviously either a nasty little smart-arse or a hypochondriac.)

I think another part of the problem here is that I know my mum has similar problems sometimes so part of me just thinks at myself "oh for god's sake, all women get this, stop whining". And when it's in the "just uncomfortable" phases I think "I can't go to the doctor for a bit of trapped wind when PEOPLE ARE DYING OF TEH AIDS CANCER etc". Though then that leads into the "If I can't cope with a bit of stomach pain I am never going to be able to have children", which then reminds me "Oh wait, stomach doom means that I have about as much sex drive as a bowl of overcooked lettuce, so I am never going to have children anyway and furthermore I am not fulfilling my duties as a Wife so it's no wonder if he hates me and wants to shag prettier women", which is frankly only one stroke of black eyeliner away from "I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE".

Also, my parents don't understand me, and I wasn't allowed to keep a bear in my room. :-}

I think I need a "fucking emo badger" icon, maybe.

medical emergency

[htfb.livejournal.com]

The on-the-day appointments are there to be taken up. It doesn't have to be the sort of emergency that takes you to hospital---they've got hospitals for that.

FWIW, I have just had blood tests taken for everything under the sun (they missed out malaria, but not a lot else) by getting the form from a specialist with very little interest in, eg, my chloresterol levels. Once you're referred past the gatekeeper GPs things get a bit more flexible.

The whole system is intensely frustrating, though.

[htfb.livejournal.com]

They can break your heart with one pain in the neck.

Re: if you're in pain and knacked no job is the right job

[monkeyhands.livejournal.com]

I have so, so much to say about the way mainstream medicine intersects with culture, but your LJ is not the place to do it. All I would say is that sometimes, with the best will in the world, GPs don't give you the best advice.

You've tried the Gaviscon, you've done what you were told, and it isn't working, so you're justified in going back to ask them to look again. I know this advice is eerily similar to the advice you'd get about a work grievance, but anyway: keep a diary. Record your symptoms every day, as dispassionately as you can. Maybe give the pain a score between 1 and 10. GPs are used to people who say "It hurts all the time" and they've learnt to discount that kind of language. It's harder to ignore someone who says "This is what I've been experiencing over the past month".

[venta.livejournal.com]

OX4 4BG ? You're joking. That's literally just over the road from me. Is it a definitely soon New House ? I hadn't even noticed there was a house there for sale.

If you're over there doing house stuff and need a cup of tea, feel free to bang on our door (I am (probably needlessly) paranoid about sticking the number visibly here - we have a white door, and are probably on the opposite side from you. If I'm in, there's a dark blue Astra with Glasto parking permits in it outside :)

(Edit: sorry, that wasn't very sympathetic about the general tone of your post. I got all excited about the house idea. The health stuff sounds pretty sucky, though I don't have anything useful to say about it.)

[j4.livejournal.com]

It's a fingers-crossed-exchange-in-about-a-week's-time (!) new house.

I found you on streetview from the description above (I can see the Glasto permit!!) and yes, you're just round the corner on the opposite side... addedentry did say you lived round there but I didn't realise it was quite so close! Cool. :-)

[I need a 'house' icon, don't I.]

[venta.livejournal.com]

It's a fingers-crossed-exchange-in-about-a-week's-time (!) new house.

Woohoo! I'll keep a spare finger or two crossed.

[imc.livejournal.com]

It did! And there may soon be a recording of it available.

I was talking to another Wesley Mem choir member and he said "My other choir is doing Purcell's King Arthur…". (It was Simeon, if that name means anything to you, and I think he said there's another Wesley Mem person in the Cherwell singers too.)

oh, not at all

[cleanskies.livejournal.com]

-- if you've had the blood tests, been poked to check that nothing's damaged or broken, aren't obviously leaking blood or other fluids, and had an ultrasound for the gall bladder stuff, you've probably got it covered -- very small gallstones *can* hide from an ultrasound but you wouldn't expect it to happen.

So, onto the stress, I have a history of stress related pain myself, and take the following tack with Doctors; yes, stress may be causing it, but I still need to stop it, what can I do? They can be very unhelpful (stop having such a stressful life? Er, right...), but occasionally I get something useful.

So, stomach pain -- I went to a Doctor when I was getting very bad persistent pain in my stomach. He poked me around a bit and agreed that the whole area would be tender, yes, because I had hurt myself by repeatedly tensing my muscles in anxiety. Then the pain had started worrying me, leading to me getting more stressed, leading to me tensing up more, which made it more painful, and more worrying, and so on. He suggested I try consciously relaxing the muscles, which I probably should have figured out for myself, but I'd been thinking the pain was coming from my internal organs or something. I found that helpful (certainly more helpful than counselling*, anyway, which always left me feeling more stressed -- but that was later and for something entirely different) and while I still get stomach pain, I don't get it as bad as I used to -- because if I'm awake I can step in and force myself to relax.

House stress at the moment, though, and you can't really turn that off, it's too fundamental. It feels like someone's kicked me in a flying rib. Thanks so much to our buyer's exchange anxiety. I can stop myself during the day, but at night the stresses all come out. Could be worse, though -- my little sister grinds her teeth!

*I have friends and family who have benefited from therapy which concentrates on methods for breaking cycles of stress like the one you describe ("being in pain makes people more tired and stressed and cross than usual")