It is so strange the way things turn

[j4]

This entry is going to be a heap of little bits and pieces, a mixture of good and bad, because that's what the last few days seem to have been.


daneel_olivaw arrived on Friday, and it was only really when he actually turned up on the doorstep that I realised how long it had been since I'd seen him properly. Spent a nice evening just sitting around chatting and eating pizza; I ended up flaking out quite early (just so shattered for some reason) but it was nice to just snuggle up in bed and sleep. And wake up and 'snuggle' some more, ahem. :-)

I think at least one of the reasons why my libido seems to be more likely to show itself with people who I don't see so often is that there seems to be more pressure to Do Stuff Now, because the person won't be there to Do Stuff later (though sometimes this works the other way, and the pressure just makes me go all wibbly and useless). Of course the implication of this is that I'm taking sion_a for granted, if I'm just thinking "well, there'll be other times".

The word "procrasturbation" has just popped into my head. I had to share it with you. Feel free to assign it a meaning. :-)

Anyway... the idea of trying to schedule sex just makes me feel a bit icky, to be honest; it takes all the spontaneity out of it, and I think it'd make me feel far too pressured. (Scheduling "quality time" isn't so bad, somehow, as there's no pressure to do anything specific with that time.) But I'm starting to wonder if it's worth trying it, as I just feel more and more guilty about being such a crap girlfriend.

That's the sex and the pizza... I lied about the lies. (Oh, except in that case I didn't lie. But I did. But I ... "Oh dear," said Janet, "I hadn't thought of that!" and disappeared in a puff of paradox.)



Other stuff did happen beside picking up my lovely lovely lovely [okay, that's enough -- Ed.] car. Went into town to try to get the tax disc for my car, only to find that I didn't have the logbook and they wouldn't give me a tax disc without it -- hrmph. Went to Sainsburys to pick up stuff for dinner, only to find that Sainsburys didn't have half the things we wanted for our stir-fry. Had to pick up water-chestnuts and bamboo shoots from the Nasreen Dar instead. Sainsburys did have nice fruit though. When we got home, sion_a and daneel_olivaw made dinner while I rambled on the phone to my mum about the car. :-) Aren't they lovely boys!

That evening lnr and ewx had a party, which was mostly quite fun -- people spent quite a while rearranging the letters on my velcro t-shirt (a Valentine's Day gift from daneel_olivaw, and we realised in the process that "MINOR CATASTROPHE" is an anagram of "O PROSTHETIC MARNA". ewx should have a photographic record of the latter slogan somewhere.

It was strange being at a party and not drinking -- and the fact that I found it strange suggests that maybe I need to do it more often, or drink more moderately at parties. There were times when I just felt really out of the whole thing -- partly because sion_a was spending time with a rather wibbly simonb, and daneel_olivaw was with ejde, and lnr was spending more time with ewx than she sometimes does at parties (possibly because lark_ascending wasn't there, as she was visiting cryx. (Phew... think that's everybody.) Not that any of that was a bad thing per se, & I'm not getting at anybody about it (already done that in real life, and shouldn't have done), but it did make me feel a bit odd. Did spend some time being snuggly with lnr though, which was nice.

Giving Fi a lift home in my lovely [stop right there -- Ed.] car was entertaining, especially when we started smelling burning... still no idea what was causing that, though she seems to be running fine now. Thanks to simonb for navigating me back afterwards -- I'm sorry I'm so dreadful with directions!



Faffy kind of day, mostly because we were all tired. Had a nice fried brunch eventually and then daneel_olivaw and I spent half the afternoon playing with polishing & fiddling with my car. Well, I was intent on polishing her to a gleaming shininess, while daneel_olivaw looked on in amusement. I was glad of his help to get the headlamp cover off, though, as it was a bit of a faff to remove.

After daneel_olivaw had gone I faffed about uselessly for a while, failing to get job applications written and failing even to update my LiveJournal. Then realised that I should have phoned kaet to sort out meeting up at the weekend, and that I didn't have any of my phone numbers any more since my old SIM got eaten. Fortunately sorted stuff out by email (thank god for near-instantaneous text-based communications!) and we met up later at the Carlton Arms for drinks and a nice chat. I don't see kaet nearly enough -- particularly daft since we live about 10 mins' walk from each other!



I don't know what happened to Monday, everything just seemed to go pearshaped. I felt like everybody was being unbelievably irritating, though in retrospect I think it was me being unbelievably irritable. Over the last few days I've been stopping taking the antidepressants (because I am sick and tired of being on them, sick and tired of not being able to think clearly, sick and tired of having to remember to take bloody pills with me every time I go out for dinner, and sick of the idea that I have to be on drugs to be a normal human being), and I think it's been having more effect than I realised. Perhaps that's why I was feeling more out-of-it than usual on Saturday night, too.

Anyway, I ended up getting into horrible arguments all over irc, and ended up yelling at ewx quite unreasonably and getting cross with lnr as well for trying to make me calm down. And then yelling at sion_a after he basically told me that I was totally in the wrong on irc, which wasn't fair either. Spent half the evening feeling miserable and sulky. Sometimes I wonder why anybody puts up with me at all. :-(

In other news, other stupid arguments are still continuing on news, though I think I'm just going to ignore those from now on -- if <lj user="****"> wants to keep on ticking me off she can do so by email, and if she thinks she's going to guilt-trip me into becoming just like her by telling me that she Doesn't Like Me As Much Any More Now, she has another think coming. And <lj user="******"> can just continue vanishing up his own self-important arse as far as I'm concerned.

(No, I wouldn't normally self-censor like that, but these are people with Top Sekrit Double Lives, so I'm not allowed to admit that I have any idea who they are. It would be terrible if anybody found out that ****** ****** is actually ****** ********, wouldn't it? Dear me, yes. Of course, if he really doesn't want anybody to know, he shouldn't tell anybody; but I guess it's more fun to tell a couple of people and then be really precious about how Important a Secret it is. Hell, I used to do that too when I was a kid. It's not even as if I first heard it from him -- it's practically common knowledge in Cambridge!)

Oh well. Life's too short to get too upset about stupid people; like I said, being disliked by people who barely know me is fairly low down my worry-list at the moment. I'm more worried about the fact that I seem to be getting irritated with people I actually really care about, and I think that's something I need to do something about. I don't want to go back onto the antidepressants, but it looks like I may have to.

There were good things about Monday though. For one thing, I got email saying that somebody had paid for 6 months of LJ account for me! Didn't find out till today who it was though -- huge thanks and *hugs* to lnr for being sweet to me, even if it does also make me feel even guiltier for being so horrid. :-/

Other good things about Monday were all food-related, which sounds awful and piggy, but sometimes comfort food is nice. Leftover stirfry from Saturday made an excellent lunch; and then for dinner sion_a and I had pasta with fried onions, mushrooms and bacon, with a good few pinches of sage thrown in, and a couple of (beaten) eggs chucked in at the end. Mmmmm.



So I finally found out who sent me the anonymous Valentine's Day card. Thank you, /.*/ -- I'm very flattered! :-) (Letting you preserve your anonymity in case you're embarrassed about it...)

Also seem to have made up with people who I was shouting at on irc, though I suspect that's probably more due to their tolerance and general nice-person-ness than anything I've done. :-/ It's good to be talking to people again, because I care a lot about them and I don't want to upset them... but I really just don't feel like I'm much good as a friend or a girlfriend at the moment. <sigh>


What's happening now: Completely failing to get my act together with reference to job applications. Dithering about whether to apply for a job which looks interesting, but a) pays slightly less than this one (but for shorter hours), b) looks like it might involve having to do some accountancy training, and c) is only three days away from the closing date so will be a huge stress to apply for at this late stage.

Feeling very woozy and headachey; keep feeling like I'm about to black out, my eyes kind of roll a bit but then they flick back to their normal position and it makes my headache twinge. Not looking forward to cycling home in the dark in this state at all. Time to go home now, though, if we're going to get dinner before sion_a goes over to see simonb.

Comments

[lnr]

if it's already leaked so much that I'm hearing it from such diffuse sources, then IMHO the secret-originator needs to rethink how much that secret matters to them, and whether they should perhaps be protecting whatever it is they're trying to protect some other more effective way.

I've been bitten by that one, and have been told off for mentioning someone by surname, when I didn't know it was supposed to be secret, because I'd first met them through a different route to the bunch of people it was secret among, IYSWIM. It was particularly frustrating since they had the same first name as another mutual friend so I'd been mentally using their surname to keep the two unique. Still do even, I just have to remember when I'm not supposed to mention it out loud. I think I agree with you that this sort of secret isn't always possible or sensible to try and keep.