Whittling

[j4]

Went to the bank and after waiting for nearly an hour (they said 20 minutes, they lied) finally got to talk to a human being. Apparently I haven't incurred any charge for exceeding the overdraft limit yet, and they've now given me a temporary limit that's a bit higher until the end of the month, by which time my salary will have gone through.

They did however insist on updating all my details (they still had me down as unemployed, despite the fact that I told them when I got the job at ProQuest, and told them how much I was getting paid; they also still had my parents' number as my daytime number) which was horrible because the bank man just looked at me as if I was stupid when I said I didn't know the exact figure for my take-home pay, and didn't know how much we still owed on the mortgage.

Thank you to juggzy for some useful suggestions by email but I really think the answer is that I just have to stop buying things. At all. I don't need anything else really. And I need to shift the mountains of useles stuff that I already have. I also have to stop lending money to people, and buying things for other people on the understanding that they'll pay me back as soon as possible.

I hate money. I hate all the Stuff I own, at the moment, too; I just want to throw it all away. And then run away to an island somewhere and eat berries and fish, and think for a bit, and make some pretty shapes out of sand, and then die.

* * *

Just so tired. Tired and shaky and headachey. Yesterday on the way home from work I came so close to just lying down on the pavement and going to sleep. Today I knelt down to put some of the shopping (thanks to sion_a, we have food tonight) in my rucksack and just couldn't get up. I just stayed kneeling there thinking "I should get up", but somehow I just couldn't. I could visualise myself getting up, but I couldn't make my legs obey, for a few minutes. I think, in retrospect, I wasn't sure why I should get up. My head hurts, and my limbs feel half-numb, as though it's taking longer than it should for signals to reach them and/or get back to my head. And if I rest my hands on the keyboard I can see them shaking.

Wish hoiho could be with me but he's got family crises to deal with. I feel horribly selfish for wanting him to be here when he's worrying about the people he cares about & wants to be with them. Now worrying too that if he knows I'm not well he'll just say I'd be better off without him, which isn't true. :-( Guilt, stress, guilt.

Was wondering about going over to see my parents tonight after the concert, staying for most of tomorrow -- somewhere that's nearly home. I'm just scared that a) I wouldn't be able to manage the drive in this state, and b) if I do get there I'll just cry the whole time and then they'll be worried about me and not want me to come back to Cambridge until I'm feeling better, and I can't call in sick, ever, not after the last job. At least not unless I have something really obvious that I can point to like a broken arm, or measles, or something.

* * *

Town was heaving, with all the nausea that the word conveys. Looking up Sidney Street from ... not Carfax, no, what do you call the, where the barrier is, outside up along from what was Joy and is now Eat (named for our modern gods) ... the hordes of people looked like an army of tiny dolls, picture-perfect with their miniature gesticulations, open-mouthed and mindless and terrifying.

[Somebody is itching to correct me on the road-names. THIS IS NOT A TECHNICAL MANUAL. Try reading rather than debugging.]

Comments

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

An IFA is an independant financial advisor - they don't usually need paying, because if they help you, you are more likely to get something like a mortgage through them. This guy was just working out if I could afford the mortgage that he was going to recommend me for, as strictly, I didn't fit the salary criteria. But I had no debts, and as the house was close to where I work, it could be done. I wasn't suggesting you went to one, though, a friend would be just as good, because they can be outside you and be a good sounding board as to whether or not you really need something.

Mmm. I know the temptation to buy something just because you can and because it is damn good value. I have learnt to leave interesting bits of coloured glass in shops now because I have nowhere to put them. You just can't buy them. That's all.

Look, I recognize the state you are in. Someone helped me once. I'm just passing it on. So the petrol offer still stands on that basis (thank goodness it's the other car, in the interests of petrol economy!). You can't take sickies, but you can take holiday, can't you?

[j4.livejournal.com]

a friend would be just as good, because they can be outside you and be a good sounding board as to whether or not you really need something.

Mm, but they're rarely there when I'm actually confronted with the thing and thinking "should I buy it?" -- which is when I need somebody to be my conscience. Most of the people I ask to be my conscience say "Go on, buy it!".

Mmm. I know the temptation to buy something just because you can and because it is damn good value. I have learnt to leave interesting bits of coloured glass in shops now because I have nowhere to put them. You just can't buy them. That's all.

I know. Ornaments and stuff aren't usually the problem, it's generally books, clothes and music. All of which seem like they could be sensible things, because, well, I'll read them eventually, or listen to them eventually, or wear them eventually. Er, not necessarily in that order, IYSWIM. So it's hard to convince myself that I shouldn't buy them, especially when it's second-hand books that I might not be able to find again, or music I've wanted for ages which is cheaper than I've ever seen it before, and...

But basically there's something about the buying-of-things which is satisfying, and that wanting-to-buy-things urge is an aspect of me that I really, really don't like, but I just don't know how to change it. Finding a cool thing that's good value -- whether for me or for somebody else -- makes me happy.

Look, I recognize the state you are in. Someone helped me once. I'm just passing it on. So the petrol offer still stands on that basis (thank goodness it's the other car, in the interests of petrol economy!).

Actually the Morris is reasonably economical; it's more a question of how many weeks it'd take me to get there with a notional top speed of 50mph (and that's downhill, with a following wind)...

You can't take sickies, but you can take holiday, can't you?

I can take holiday, but (spot the theme of avoidant, procrastinatory crapness) I don't know how much I have, I only realised yesterday (in a kind of 'duh' moment) that I'd have to take the holiday I've accrued since Feb (however much that is) before the end of the academic year so I have to start thinking about holiday differently; I'd got used to knowing how to save the right amount for Christmas. Problem is it's coming up to the Really Busy Time when we do the Graduate Prospectus, and they're going to be moderately unhappy about me taking holiday in that period, because it's, like, the most important thing I'll do in a given year in this job, probably. And I've already got three days booked off for Glastonbury, and I'll want one for the Folk Festival.

Oh, argh. I feel like I'm raising stupid objections, but they feel like real reasons not to go anywhere & just to sit here going mad. Weekends are good though, weekends let me get away from Cambridge. Sometimes.

[keirf.livejournal.com]

You can get books and CDs from the library, or borrow them off friends.

But that's obvious really.

Bargains cost money.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Sufficiently obvious that I'm not sure why you bothered pointing it out.

(It costs money to get CDs out of the library, too. But of course you knew that.)

[keirf.livejournal.com]

Actually, I didn't know the Cambridge library charged for taking out CDs. The Bedford library in the mid nineties didn't. Mind you, they had a fairly dire collection.

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

If they feel like real reasons, that's what they are. I'm taking a guess here, but part of the problem is feeling that you have to live up to what other people want you to do, whereas you really, deep down, want to do stuff for yourself, even if you don't know quite what. ANd you feel terribly responsible for what other people do, and worry too much about doing the wrong thing for them. And however much you do what other people want you to do, it's never quite good enough, it doesn't make things different the way you keep thinking it might.

Sorry, I didn't mean to add to that pressure. And now you will go feeling bad because you think you made me say sorry. You didn't; saying that was my action (and I meant an African sorry, anyway), not yours. You've got to do what you want to do (as long as it doesn't involve buying things!) IYSWIM.

[j4.livejournal.com]

feeling that you have to live up to what other people want you to do, whereas you really, deep down, want to do stuff for yourself, even if you don't know quite what

Sort of. It's sort of... I want to do stuff for myself, but it feels rather meaningless to do so, because I don't really exist except in relation to other people. Urgh, that sounds dreadful, doesn't it? But it is sort of true. Even when I don't feel like I'm going mad, it's sort of true, in an up-its-own-existential-arse kind of way.

ANd you feel terribly responsible for what other people do, and worry too much about doing the wrong thing for them. And however much you do what other people want you to do, it's never quite good enough, it doesn't make things different the way you keep thinking it might.

Oh, this is definitely true. Bits of my brain still haven't worked out that I can't make people love me when they don't. The problem is consciously I know this and I want to just Be Myself and hope that people will love me for that. But.

And I don't think you are adding to the pressure. What is an African sorry? Is that a way of saying sorry-as-in-regret without people assuming it's sorry-as-in-apology? If so, hurrah. Often my 'sorry' means that and then people shout at me for apologising too much.

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

What is an African sorry? Is that a way of saying sorry-as-in-regret without people assuming it's sorry-as-in-apology? If so, hurrah.

Absolutely. I didn't realise there was the Other Meaning for Sorry, until I got to University because that's what most people meant when they said sorry when I was a kid. Sorry as in regret for something bad happening to someone else.

Often my 'sorry' means that and then people shout at me for apologising too much.

Haha. Me too. Only they don't any more because I have decided to stop feeling regrets for stupid things other people do. If only they knew.

[oldbloke.livejournal.com]

My Morris Minor used to do 85, no trouble. Needed a while to get the last bit from 70 upwards, mind. It was the 1100 though. And it was a bit scary due to the play in the steering rack. And nobody who looked in their mirror believed it so they used to pull out on front of me.