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j4Interview yesterday at CUP (for the position of Development Editor: Humanities and Social Sciences) went okay -- I don't have high hopes for it, but it wasn't as dreadful as some other interviews I've had. And the "short test" they'd threatened turned out to be quite fun; they said "Here's the proposal for a book [it was a Political Philosophy textbook], here's the first chapter and some notes from the author; write the blurb, 200 words max." This is the sort of thing that an English degree is for, goddamnit: blatant bullshitting and spurious soundbiting. (And also alliteration, and assonance.)
Skiving off work early for the interview meant that I got home earlier than usual, so I had a while to play with Patricia before it got dark (mostly just cleaning her windows, having decided it'd be nice to be able to see out of them). I was going to clean the spark plugs but they're so tightly wedged on that I couldn't budge them. :-( Will have to get somebody stronger to do them and then NOT TIGHTEN THEM SO MUCH.
(Checked the radiator and it seemed to be more full than it had been at the weekend. Surely this can't be possible? Or does this mean something else is leaking into it somewhere?)
...
Work today has been pretty depressing on the whole. I have got some work done, but only markup, which is tedious and unrewarding and, quite frankly, the sort of thing they could probably train chimps to do. On the other hand, we did get email telling us that we'll get a 2.5% bonus ... which is good, in that it might put my current account back into the black; but at the same time I can't help feeling that I've done nothing to deserve it, that it's just as meaningless as everything else.
I haven't been keeping up the diary of how much money I've spent at all. I'm going to start again as of today, because while I've failed so far that doesn't mean I have to carry on failing. I'll see if I can back-fill the days I didn't keep track (I've been keeping receipts, in the hope of catching up at some point), but going forward, keeping going from now rather than worrying about then, is more important.
I tried ages ago to move my cc balance to a new cc account, so that at least I wouldn't be paying interest; it's taken two months so far to persuade First Direct to do anything useful. I received an application form in the post yesterday but couldn't believe that filling in all my details on the web just resulted in them sending me another application form to fill in; so I phoned again today, to be told that all I have to do is sign that form, and send it back. "But presumably I'll have to fill in some of my details, so that you know who this signature is from?" I asked, puzzled. "Oh -- yeah," says the droid (who had the same birthdate as me). "Just put your name and date of birth, and ... hang on, here's your ID number; write on the form that you've already filled this information in on the web, and quote your ID number." For heaven's sake. You'd think they'd never done this before! However, hopefully soon I will have a new cc account, so I can pay it off without having to pay the interest as well.
Despite laziness on my part and uselessness on First Direct's, I have been sticking to the spirit of the money diet, namely trying not to spend too much money. I don't think I've bought any items of clothing since I decided to try to keep a money diary, I've definitely bought no CDs, and I've bought very few books (but then I haven't been reading any either). I have bought random gifts for people that I probably shouldn't be buying, but I tend to think that making people smile is more important than having lots of money in the bank. Maybe this is why I never have any money... now if only I was always smiling as well. :-/
It annoys me that I have to think about money at all. I don't like money, though obviously I like the things it can buy. But it feels like I have to keep concentrating on the money anyway, just to keep it coming in and not all going out again. I resent that. I don't dream of being rich. I dream of being able to afford to buy things for people when they need them and can't afford them, and when I can make them happy by buying them things. I dream of being able to pay my share in pubs and restaurants without worrying about the cost.
However, these aren't worthwhile dreams, according to a fellow LJ user. My dreams, apparently, should be all fire and air and other naff pseudo-pagan imagery, rather than concentrating on mundane things like being what I want to be, and doing what I want to do. Or rather, the things I want to be and do shouldn't be realistic. If I needed one more thing to make me really depressed today, it's being told that I should be trying to "change the world", when I have enough trouble just living in it from day to day. It's bad enough that my reality doesn't live up to my expectations; being told that my dreams don't live up to somebody's expectations is just ... beyond.
I don't particularly want to change the world; what is "the world" anyway? None of us experiences "the world" as a single entity; we experience our own world, our own subset of what's out there. The biggest way in which I could change my world would be by dying; because then my unique viewpoint would cease to exist. Maybe changing the world isn't always a good thing, hm?
No, I don't really want to radically change it; I just want to make the tiny bit of it that I inhabit benefit from my being there, or at least not be worse off for it. I want to be the best that I can be, not try to live up to somebody else's dreams. Perhaps if I had superpowers that allowed me to stop wars, and make trees grow, and bring fluffy bunny rabbits back to life, then I'd have dreams about changing the world. As it is, the dreams I have (of making the people around me happy, of making people's lives better) are quite unattainable enough for me as a vision that will never be reached but will keep on driving me forwards; I certainly don't see what sitting around dreaming about Big Ideas like World Peace is going to achieve.
I dream of doing things, rather than spending all my time dreaming. And (as one great dreamer said) "there's the rub". My imaginings of being able to do things are so vivid that they paralyse me; dreaming about doing things -- even just the tiny day-to-day things that I fail to do -- captivates my mind to the extent where I can't even get up from my chair and do anything.
I dream of not being hurt, not being affected by it when people tell me that my dreams are as worthless as my life.
Skiving off work early for the interview meant that I got home earlier than usual, so I had a while to play with Patricia before it got dark (mostly just cleaning her windows, having decided it'd be nice to be able to see out of them). I was going to clean the spark plugs but they're so tightly wedged on that I couldn't budge them. :-( Will have to get somebody stronger to do them and then NOT TIGHTEN THEM SO MUCH.
(Checked the radiator and it seemed to be more full than it had been at the weekend. Surely this can't be possible? Or does this mean something else is leaking into it somewhere?)
...
Work today has been pretty depressing on the whole. I have got some work done, but only markup, which is tedious and unrewarding and, quite frankly, the sort of thing they could probably train chimps to do. On the other hand, we did get email telling us that we'll get a 2.5% bonus ... which is good, in that it might put my current account back into the black; but at the same time I can't help feeling that I've done nothing to deserve it, that it's just as meaningless as everything else.
I haven't been keeping up the diary of how much money I've spent at all. I'm going to start again as of today, because while I've failed so far that doesn't mean I have to carry on failing. I'll see if I can back-fill the days I didn't keep track (I've been keeping receipts, in the hope of catching up at some point), but going forward, keeping going from now rather than worrying about then, is more important.
I tried ages ago to move my cc balance to a new cc account, so that at least I wouldn't be paying interest; it's taken two months so far to persuade First Direct to do anything useful. I received an application form in the post yesterday but couldn't believe that filling in all my details on the web just resulted in them sending me another application form to fill in; so I phoned again today, to be told that all I have to do is sign that form, and send it back. "But presumably I'll have to fill in some of my details, so that you know who this signature is from?" I asked, puzzled. "Oh -- yeah," says the droid (who had the same birthdate as me). "Just put your name and date of birth, and ... hang on, here's your ID number; write on the form that you've already filled this information in on the web, and quote your ID number." For heaven's sake. You'd think they'd never done this before! However, hopefully soon I will have a new cc account, so I can pay it off without having to pay the interest as well.
Despite laziness on my part and uselessness on First Direct's, I have been sticking to the spirit of the money diet, namely trying not to spend too much money. I don't think I've bought any items of clothing since I decided to try to keep a money diary, I've definitely bought no CDs, and I've bought very few books (but then I haven't been reading any either). I have bought random gifts for people that I probably shouldn't be buying, but I tend to think that making people smile is more important than having lots of money in the bank. Maybe this is why I never have any money... now if only I was always smiling as well. :-/
It annoys me that I have to think about money at all. I don't like money, though obviously I like the things it can buy. But it feels like I have to keep concentrating on the money anyway, just to keep it coming in and not all going out again. I resent that. I don't dream of being rich. I dream of being able to afford to buy things for people when they need them and can't afford them, and when I can make them happy by buying them things. I dream of being able to pay my share in pubs and restaurants without worrying about the cost.
However, these aren't worthwhile dreams, according to a fellow LJ user. My dreams, apparently, should be all fire and air and other naff pseudo-pagan imagery, rather than concentrating on mundane things like being what I want to be, and doing what I want to do. Or rather, the things I want to be and do shouldn't be realistic. If I needed one more thing to make me really depressed today, it's being told that I should be trying to "change the world", when I have enough trouble just living in it from day to day. It's bad enough that my reality doesn't live up to my expectations; being told that my dreams don't live up to somebody's expectations is just ... beyond.
I don't particularly want to change the world; what is "the world" anyway? None of us experiences "the world" as a single entity; we experience our own world, our own subset of what's out there. The biggest way in which I could change my world would be by dying; because then my unique viewpoint would cease to exist. Maybe changing the world isn't always a good thing, hm?
No, I don't really want to radically change it; I just want to make the tiny bit of it that I inhabit benefit from my being there, or at least not be worse off for it. I want to be the best that I can be, not try to live up to somebody else's dreams. Perhaps if I had superpowers that allowed me to stop wars, and make trees grow, and bring fluffy bunny rabbits back to life, then I'd have dreams about changing the world. As it is, the dreams I have (of making the people around me happy, of making people's lives better) are quite unattainable enough for me as a vision that will never be reached but will keep on driving me forwards; I certainly don't see what sitting around dreaming about Big Ideas like World Peace is going to achieve.
I dream of doing things, rather than spending all my time dreaming. And (as one great dreamer said) "there's the rub". My imaginings of being able to do things are so vivid that they paralyse me; dreaming about doing things -- even just the tiny day-to-day things that I fail to do -- captivates my mind to the extent where I can't even get up from my chair and do anything.
I dream of not being hurt, not being affected by it when people tell me that my dreams are as worthless as my life.
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-12 10:26 am (UTC)I fear CUP.
(no subject)
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From:*hiss of indrawn breath*
Date: 2003-03-12 10:30 am (UTC)That wasn't what I meant. I haven't been coherant about this...
Please, don't take offence/hurt because *I* can't explain what I mean - I hope you know me well enough to realise I'd never try to destroy someone's self-worth in the way I apparently have :/
Re: *hiss of indrawn breath*
From:no subject
Date: 2003-03-12 10:42 am (UTC)I would find having to do that profoundly hateful, but I'm glad it seemed to go well; luck with it. When do you expect to hear back from them ?
I tried ages ago to move my cc balance to a new cc account, so that at least I wouldn't be paying interest; it's taken two months so far to persuade First Direct to do anything useful.
*sigh*
My credit card is with the Bank of Ireland; to transfer it would make paying money into it inordinately easier - buying euro money orders in Canada and entrusting them to the Irish postal service is like Russian roulette - but in order for Visa to let me transfer it, there has to be evidence of activity on the account, ie, the bloody payments have to get there. Catch-22. The one large lump sum that got lost in the post in December - and took best part of a month to reclaim - has set that process back easily another six months.
It annoys me that I have to think about money at all. I don't like money, though obviously I like the things it can buy. But it feels like I have to keep concentrating on the money anyway, just to keep it coming in and not all going out again. I resent that.
Amen to that.
However, these aren't worthwhile dreams, according to a fellow LJ user. My dreams, apparently, should be all fire and air and other naff pseudo-pagan imagery, rather than concentrating on mundane things like being what I want to be, and doing what I want to do.
With all due respect to whoever this person may be, they're an idiot. Though I suspect you did not need to be told that.
If I needed one more thing to make me really depressed today, it's being told that I should be trying to "change the world", when I have enough trouble just living in it from day to day.
They're not distinct things.
I do not know how much difference what you do professionally makes to the world, me, I build tools that people can use to build tools to, oh, fight malaria or something like. That's one of the reasons I do what I do day-to-day. Personally, I try to be a net-positive person to know, to give more than I can take; discovered long ago that as changing the world for the better goes, I'm much better at doing it one person at a time. And, of course, somewhere there's the fond hope that stuff I write might some day have a positive impact on someone - if it could get to one lonely kid in the headspace I was in when I was twelve or so and show them that there are interesting and sane people in the world after all, I'd feel justified in existing.
It's very hard to find ways of talking about where I'm coming from on this point that do not sound like cliches. I just.. look for points of balance where I can play from my strengths and give the big things a meaningful push. I'm right with you in getting annoyed with people who think that there's a moral imperative to make a headlong attack on problem X rather than to think strategically about what you personally can best do to mitigate it.
I dream of doing things, rather than spending all my time dreaming.
Well, what I actually dream about as opposed to daydreaming is 90% fretfulness and anxiety and 10% insistent new story ideas, if that helps.
I dream of not being hurt, not being affected by it when people tell me that my dreams are as worthless as my life.
*hug* Better to be hurt than to be a desolate wasteland incapable of feeling. Been there, done that, climbed out, not going back.
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Date: 2003-03-12 12:54 pm (UTC)Personally I'd say that it was definately a worthwhile dream to be able to go out with friends and pay your own share. One of the reasons I was happy to put up with the crap from WorldCom is that the salary I had from them meant that I could easily take
Having the money to be social with friends without worrying about it is definately a good thing to aim for IMO.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2003-03-12 12:58 pm (UTC)*Ok, so it's not always a bad thing.
I don't particularly want to change the world; what is "the world" anyway? None of us experiences "the world" as a single entity; we experience our own world, our own subset of what's out there.
It's Venn Diagrams - our worlds overlap, and providing we have the same basic ideas of what is nice and good and happy, IT IS GOOD. Changing your world changes ours [which is why your line: I could change my world...by dying is definitely not a good thing - which you noted, although you didn't add "because it would alter other people's worlds for the worse" but I have]. The best ways to change a world for the better are to do things that will make other people's worlds nicer or happier or cleaner or healthier or... whatever. Comic Relief on Friday reminds me that they split their work between Africa - where big gestures help immensely in the short-term, but small projects are life-saving on a long-term scale - and the UK, where small-scale work helps improve many people's lives in ways that we don't even think about because they don't make headline news [except when those people aren't helped and they wind up criminals/victims]. Erm. I had somewhere I was going with this... oh yes. Dreaming is good, and anything you do towards your dreams in real life however small scale helps. If the nice gesture I received today was you, then you helped my world improve rather (and if it wasn't, the offer of coming over also improved it, so don't feel bad that the other thing wasn't you!). My world improving improves DH's world and SC's world, and I'm sure the knock-on effects of that will make someone else's day brighter tomorrow, and...
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