And all my friends and all their jobs and all the bloody waste

[j4]

Interview yesterday at CUP (for the position of Development Editor: Humanities and Social Sciences) went okay -- I don't have high hopes for it, but it wasn't as dreadful as some other interviews I've had. And the "short test" they'd threatened turned out to be quite fun; they said "Here's the proposal for a book [it was a Political Philosophy textbook], here's the first chapter and some notes from the author; write the blurb, 200 words max." This is the sort of thing that an English degree is for, goddamnit: blatant bullshitting and spurious soundbiting. (And also alliteration, and assonance.)

Skiving off work early for the interview meant that I got home earlier than usual, so I had a while to play with Patricia before it got dark (mostly just cleaning her windows, having decided it'd be nice to be able to see out of them). I was going to clean the spark plugs but they're so tightly wedged on that I couldn't budge them. :-( Will have to get somebody stronger to do them and then NOT TIGHTEN THEM SO MUCH.

(Checked the radiator and it seemed to be more full than it had been at the weekend. Surely this can't be possible? Or does this mean something else is leaking into it somewhere?)

...

Work today has been pretty depressing on the whole. I have got some work done, but only markup, which is tedious and unrewarding and, quite frankly, the sort of thing they could probably train chimps to do. On the other hand, we did get email telling us that we'll get a 2.5% bonus ... which is good, in that it might put my current account back into the black; but at the same time I can't help feeling that I've done nothing to deserve it, that it's just as meaningless as everything else.


I haven't been keeping up the diary of how much money I've spent at all. I'm going to start again as of today, because while I've failed so far that doesn't mean I have to carry on failing. I'll see if I can back-fill the days I didn't keep track (I've been keeping receipts, in the hope of catching up at some point), but going forward, keeping going from now rather than worrying about then, is more important.

I tried ages ago to move my cc balance to a new cc account, so that at least I wouldn't be paying interest; it's taken two months so far to persuade First Direct to do anything useful. I received an application form in the post yesterday but couldn't believe that filling in all my details on the web just resulted in them sending me another application form to fill in; so I phoned again today, to be told that all I have to do is sign that form, and send it back. "But presumably I'll have to fill in some of my details, so that you know who this signature is from?" I asked, puzzled. "Oh -- yeah," says the droid (who had the same birthdate as me). "Just put your name and date of birth, and ... hang on, here's your ID number; write on the form that you've already filled this information in on the web, and quote your ID number." For heaven's sake. You'd think they'd never done this before! However, hopefully soon I will have a new cc account, so I can pay it off without having to pay the interest as well.

Despite laziness on my part and uselessness on First Direct's, I have been sticking to the spirit of the money diet, namely trying not to spend too much money. I don't think I've bought any items of clothing since I decided to try to keep a money diary, I've definitely bought no CDs, and I've bought very few books (but then I haven't been reading any either). I have bought random gifts for people that I probably shouldn't be buying, but I tend to think that making people smile is more important than having lots of money in the bank. Maybe this is why I never have any money... now if only I was always smiling as well. :-/

It annoys me that I have to think about money at all. I don't like money, though obviously I like the things it can buy. But it feels like I have to keep concentrating on the money anyway, just to keep it coming in and not all going out again. I resent that. I don't dream of being rich. I dream of being able to afford to buy things for people when they need them and can't afford them, and when I can make them happy by buying them things. I dream of being able to pay my share in pubs and restaurants without worrying about the cost.

However, these aren't worthwhile dreams, according to a fellow LJ user. My dreams, apparently, should be all fire and air and other naff pseudo-pagan imagery, rather than concentrating on mundane things like being what I want to be, and doing what I want to do. Or rather, the things I want to be and do shouldn't be realistic. If I needed one more thing to make me really depressed today, it's being told that I should be trying to "change the world", when I have enough trouble just living in it from day to day. It's bad enough that my reality doesn't live up to my expectations; being told that my dreams don't live up to somebody's expectations is just ... beyond.

I don't particularly want to change the world; what is "the world" anyway? None of us experiences "the world" as a single entity; we experience our own world, our own subset of what's out there. The biggest way in which I could change my world would be by dying; because then my unique viewpoint would cease to exist. Maybe changing the world isn't always a good thing, hm?

No, I don't really want to radically change it; I just want to make the tiny bit of it that I inhabit benefit from my being there, or at least not be worse off for it. I want to be the best that I can be, not try to live up to somebody else's dreams. Perhaps if I had superpowers that allowed me to stop wars, and make trees grow, and bring fluffy bunny rabbits back to life, then I'd have dreams about changing the world. As it is, the dreams I have (of making the people around me happy, of making people's lives better) are quite unattainable enough for me as a vision that will never be reached but will keep on driving me forwards; I certainly don't see what sitting around dreaming about Big Ideas like World Peace is going to achieve.

I dream of doing things, rather than spending all my time dreaming. And (as one great dreamer said) "there's the rub". My imaginings of being able to do things are so vivid that they paralyse me; dreaming about doing things -- even just the tiny day-to-day things that I fail to do -- captivates my mind to the extent where I can't even get up from my chair and do anything.

I dream of not being hurt, not being affected by it when people tell me that my dreams are as worthless as my life.

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

My credit card is with the Bank of Ireland; to transfer it would make paying money into it inordinately easier - buying euro money orders in Canada and entrusting them to the Irish postal service is like Russian roulette - but in order for Visa to let me transfer it, there has to be evidence of activity on the account, ie, the bloody payments have to get there. Catch-22.

Is there anybody who could pay money into your account for you? And I can't believe they don't have any form of internet/phone banking... are they really that primitive?

Actually, check that; after another session with First Direct this morning, I think I could believe any crapness of cc companies. :-/

With all due respect to whoever this person may be, they're an idiot. Though I suspect you did not need to be told that.

<sigh> No, they're not an idiot; they're just ... well, I guess they're just too young, wide-eyed and idealistic for their ideas to strike much of a chord with me. Which is, of course, the point they were making: that all the people they know have Lost Their Happy Thoughts. Guess I'm just old, bitter, and twisted. Mind you, this seems like a better point from which to be able to empathise with all the other people who are in the same position, ne?

I do not know how much difference what you do professionally makes to the world

I don't think it makes any good difference to the world.

I shift small pieces of SGML around (once they've been keyed in by people on the poverty-line in the Philippines) so that libraries who can ill afford it can buy overpriced electronic texts for students who either don't give a shit or know that they could find the same stuff on Project Gutenberg.

Is it any wonder I feel useless?

Personally, I try to be a net-positive person to know, to give more than I can take; discovered long ago that as changing the world for the better goes, I'm much better at doing it one person at a time.

<nods> That sounds like the sort of thing I aspire to. I don't think I'm very good at it, but.

And, of course, somewhere there's the fond hope that stuff I write might some day have a positive impact on someone [...]

This is one of the reasons I wish I could write. On the other hand, I write tens of thousands (maybe even hundreds of thousands) of words a year on usenet (and latterly on livejournal) and maybe, just maybe, something I say will strike a chord with somebody, somewhere; or cheer up a friend when they need it; or make somebody laugh and forget the things that are stressing them out for a moment or two.

That is, if I can manage to ignore the people I really don't get on with on LJ and usenet. (I can already hear two people in particular laughing at all these aspirations...)

Well, what I actually dream about as opposed to daydreaming is 90% fretfulness and anxiety and 10% insistent new story ideas, if that helps.

Oh gods, what I dream about is usually a combination of standard anxiety-dream tropes, decontextualised trivia from real life, and random surrealism. (But if I had a quid for every time I'd dreamed that I was late for work, I'd be able to retire on the proceeds.)

Better to be hurt than to be a desolate wasteland incapable of feeling.

"And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."

Thanks for the hugs. They do help.

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

I write tens of thousands (maybe even hundreds of thousands) of words a year on usenet (and latterly on livejournal) and maybe, just maybe, something I say will strike a chord with somebody, somewhere; or cheer up a friend when they need it; or make somebody laugh and forget the things that are stressing them out for a moment or two.

Yes, it does. Keep up the good work.

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

My credit card is with the Bank of Ireland; to transfer it would make paying money into it inordinately easier - buying euro money orders in Canada and entrusting them to the Irish postal service is like Russian roulette - but in order for Visa to let me transfer it, there has to be evidence of activity on the account, ie, the bloody payments have to get there. Catch-22.

Is there anybody who could pay money into your account for you?

In Ireland, yes, but one then has to pst the money to them, which does not avoid the gigantic predatory amoeba in the GPO.

And I can't believe they don't have any form of internet/phone banking... are they really that primitive?

Sure they are. *sigh*

With all due respect to whoever this person may be, they're an idiot. Though I suspect you did not need to be told that.

No, they're not an idiot; they're just ... well, I guess they're just too young, wide-eyed and idealistic for their ideas to strike much of a chord with me. Which is, of course, the point they were making: that all the people they know have Lost Their Happy Thoughts. Guess I'm just old, bitter, and twisted.

I don't know. Losing young wide-eyed idealistic happiness doesn't preclude finding more mature hard-won happiness later on. Thinking of growing up as a process that stops strikes me as on the idiotic side.

I shift small pieces of SGML around (once they've been keyed in by people on the poverty-line in the Philippines) so that libraries who can ill afford it can buy overpriced electronic texts for students who either don't give a shit or know that they could find the same stuff on Project Gutenberg,

OK, maybe I won't try to find a bright side to look on..

Personally, I try to be a net-positive person to know, to give more than I can take; discovered long ago that as changing the world for the better goes, I'm much better at doing it one person at a time.

That sounds like the sort of thing I aspire to. I don't think I'm very good at it, but.

The admittedly limited amount of time I've spent around you has suggested otherwise, to me.

And, of course, somewhere there's the fond hope that stuff I write might some day have a positive impact on someone [...]

This is one of the reasons I wish I could write. On the other hand, I write tens of thousands (maybe even hundreds of thousands) of words a year on usenet (and latterly on livejournal) and maybe, just maybe, something I say will strike a chord with somebody, somewhere

It's a good feeling when that happens.

or cheer up a friend when they need it; or make somebody laugh and forget the things that are stressing them out for a moment or two.

You can include me in as a success on those last two just since I've found your journal, fwiw.

Better to be hurt than to be a desolate wasteland incapable of feeling.

"And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries."

Pain is finite. Joy isn't.

Thanks for the hugs. They do help.

*hug* Good. You are always welcome to them, so many as you might want, without strings attached.

[j4.livejournal.com]

> >Is there anybody who could pay money into your account for you?
>In Ireland, yes, but one then has to pst the money to them

Yah, but I was sort of thinking "Is there anybody who could pay some money into your bank account for you and be willing to wait to be paid back until you can get your credit cards etc. working properly again?" -- assuming that there'd be better ways for you to refund them than putting cash in the post when you had the bank accounts set up the way you wanted. Anyway. That's the limit of my practical suggestions, I'm afraid.

Losing young wide-eyed idealistic happiness doesn't preclude finding more mature hard-won happiness later on. Thinking of growing up as a process that stops strikes me as on the idiotic side.

Is "hard-won" happiness better? Do you have to suffer in order for your happiness to really "count"?

I think growing up is a process that probably (in the absence of empirical evidence to the contrary) stops when you die. My inner cynic says: "If you're lucky, it starts some time before then."

(... no, if I follow up line-by-line to the rest of it I'll just be nodding and saying "ah-huh" for lots of it, which is pointless.)

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Yah, but I was sort of thinking "Is there anybody who could pay some money into your bank account for you and be willing to wait to be paid back until you can get your credit cards etc. working properly again?"

Not in the necessary amounts over the necessary timespan - well, family might, but that would not be a value of indebted I could keep entirely financial and that would be Bad.

Losing young wide-eyed idealistic happiness doesn't preclude finding more mature hard-won happiness later on. Thinking of growing up as a process that stops strikes me as on the idiotic side.

Is "hard-won" happiness better? Do you have to suffer in order for your happiness to really "count"?

I'm sorry for that implication, that was not exactly what I meant but close enough for easy confusion.

I do think that happiness is something people value more
if they've experienced forms of serious unhappy [ooh, technical terminology ] and that I would rather be happy and aware of what a gift it is than drift around in blithe innocence/ignorance.

I think growing up is a process that probably (in the absence of empirical evidence to the contrary) stops when you die.

But there's no viewpoint left from whose POV it can be said to stop in that case. *sigh* I've known people decide to stop growing up and it saddens me or irks the hell out of me, depending.

(... no, if I follow up line-by-line to the rest of it I'll just be nodding and saying "ah-huh" for lots of it, which is pointless.)

"Thou art indeed wise, O Socrates" ?