Ethical dilemma

[j4]

Somebody you know posts something online about their actions/intentions and motivations. You feel pretty sure that they're misunderstanding something, and that this misunderstanding is actually doing them harm.

However, they've posted on this subject before, and you've tried to comment helpfully on what you perceive to be a misunderstanding, and met with a dead blank in response -- not even "You don't know what you're talking about", or "Yeah, but it's my choice", either of which would be perfectly reasonable responses. Just a complete lack of acknowledgement that anything's been said.

Should you try again? Or just leave them to keep on messing themselves up -- as you see it, anyway -- while you watch in despair?

Comments

[chrisvenus]

I'd say something again but then again I've been told off for not taking hints. It may be they just did miss it first time round. If not then a reply doesn't take much effort and its better than feeling bad about not doing anything.

[j4.livejournal.com]

They'd've had to miss it second time round as well... :-/

[rmc28]

Are they ignoring everything from you? In which case don't bother. Otherwise I'd try again until you get a response.

I know that one of my less helpful reactions to difficult things is to stop responding until it finally gets too hard not to respond.

[j4.livejournal.com]

No, not ignoring everything, just everything on this topic.

[oldbloke.livejournal.com]

I know bugger-all about anything, but if you mail me the full gory details you can have the benefit of my considered opinion. Confidentiality assured.
Unless... it's not me you're talking about, is it?

[j4.livejournal.com]

It's not you. I'll think about it & maybe take you up on that... thanks for the offer.

[taimatsu]

It's not an easy situation, certainly. I think if it were me I would respond again. I mean, they can only ignore it again, and at least you will know yu said something. Is there any specific downside to posting something?

[j4.livejournal.com]

Well the potential downside (as I see it) is the possibility of getting into a big argument about it if they don't just ignore it this time. I guess.

[ottah.livejournal.com]

Respond if you feel that they are putting themselves in harm's way. If they rebuke you for this, well, you've looked out for them as friends do and you just have to take a back seat from there.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I could deal better with them rebuking me (because that at least says "I hear you but I disagree, it's none of your business" etc. etc.) but the silence means I don't know if they haven't heard, aren't listening, don't want to know, or what. I do look out for them but I'm frustrated with the trying to comment on things and just being ignored. If people post things publicly online then they are kind of inviting comment, really; if they don't want my advice on this topic (or indeed any other) I'd much rather they just said so. Does that make sense?

I feel that they're potentially putting themself in harm's way, & certainly making things more difficult for themself. I don't know if that's enough basis for carrying on sticking my nose in where it clearly isn't wanted. The problem is it's so hard to keep being sympathetic with the things-being-difficult-for-them if they're ignoring (which is not the same as "not taking") advice. :-(

Grr. Stress. Etc.

I do love your fairy icon btw :)

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

Is it me? What have I done now? (/egotistic)

Hurrah! Holidays!

[j4.livejournal.com]

It's not you!

And, holidays? What holidays?

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

my holidays! yay me! Me go girl.

Actually, I'm a little bored already and I have a stack of work to do for next term.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I haven't had a holiday long enough to get bored in since 1999.

[juggzy.livejournal.com]

It only started, well, from about 2.00 tomorrow, but the holiday spirit is here.

[ottah.livejournal.com]

I do see what you mean - the silence doesn't let you know if you should just shut up or carry on trying to help. At least if they told you to butt out, you'd know what to do.

Thanks re the fairy!! It's representing me when I'm cheerful *bounce*

[arnhem.livejournal.com]

If they're the self-deluding type, then your advice is probably conflicting with the world-model they'd like to maintain, and there's a bit of "lalala" fingers-in-the-ears happening.

If they're not particularly, then I suspect kaet's explanation is likely (I do the same 8-( ).

In the former case, then if you can identify where you're conflicting with their delusions, you may be able to restructure your advice to work within their framework, although this is rarely easy and often impossible.

</armchair-psychology>

[kaet.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's me.

I'm often very bad at responding to things. I wait till I have worked out a really worthwhile response, and then there's lots of other things piled up. It might be worth asking if they're ignoring you? (Assuming it won't inflame things). You might get an apology, or even a response. And if it's an apology you can weigh its authenticity?

[vinaigrettegirl.livejournal.com]

Consult Mrs. Doasyouwouldbedoneby. On the rare occasions you do blank other people's well-meaning advice, why? Do you want the advisor to Shut Up and Go Away or do you want to mull over their comments and respond later, like maybe five years later, without commenting on your own internal processes?

Some things have to be left to God (or whatever other process or force you want to call it).

[truecatachresis.livejournal.com]

If you are certain in your convictions, I would try again. If you get a response telling you to back off, fair enough. I wouldn't push it; if they don't respond, don't say something again this time, but if they post again, you respond again. If they really think you've gone too far, they should have the decency to tell you.

[juliet]

Post something saying 'I know I've said this before, but maybe you missed it (insert comment here, if felt appropriate, about flakiness of LJ/usenet/reply-to function on email lists, etcetc)...' & then say your bit?

I can certainly understand the frustration of just being completely ignored.