Keep your own counsel
Mar. 26th, 2003 04:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j4Still angry about the counselling appointment. What the nice lady at the General Practice forgot to tell me when she recommended The Cogwheel Trust was that they're a Christian counselling organisation. Which is, quite frankly, the last thing I want. So they mentioned this when they were going through all the introductory blurb, and I reacted with surprise, and then had to explain why I wasn't entirely happy with it. The thing is, while I did have very bad experiences with the church and am still very angry and bitter about a lot of it, I don't think it's terribly relevant to my current mental state. I mean, it's not something I think about unless people try to "witness" (*shudder*) to me, or try to persuade me to come to church (or to FREE PIZZA! and a short talk about how much Jesus loves you) with them.
Once we'd got through that, though, the rest of the session wasn't much better. I'm more and more starting to think that I just don't get on with counselling in general. I'm sick and tired of answering the same questions again and again about when I did what, I'm sick of being told that I'm trying to trivialise certain aspects of my past when in fact I've just got over them, taken what's useful from them and moved on. It's like I'm not allowed to only be bothered by specific things; I have to work through all the same stuff again every single goddamned time. I mean, I know it's all intertwingled, but honestly. I want some "counselling for people who've already had so much counselling they can't keep track" sessions. Advanced counselling for long-term fruitcakes.
Anyway, at least I've only wasted £30; I have to pay for the trial session, but they're letting me "decide whether I want to continue" and I think I already know the answer to that one. I think I'd be better spending the money on cake, or train tickets to Oxford, or something.
Actually, that's a great idea. I'll set aside the money I would have spent on counselling and use it to buy nice things. :)
* * *
Oh, since I'm here, I might as well do the latest viral self-labelling exercise.
A - Act your age? When I have to.
B - Born on what day of the week? Friday. ("Works hard for a living"? Yeah, right.)
C - Chore you hate? Hoovering.
D - Dad's name? Cliff McKnight
E - Essential makeup item? nailvarnish (all 50-odd colours that I have...)
F - Favorite actor? Judy Garland.
G - Gold or silver? Silver.
H - Hometown? No idea what this means. Born in Uxbridge; raised in Crawley Down, Bramhall, Loughborough; lived in Oxford and Cambridge since then. Don't feel at home anywhere really, except possibly Oxford, and some areas of Switzerland.
I - Instruments you play? Piano, violin, viola, recorder (sop, descant, treble, tenor), flute (badly), guitar (worse). ("My name's Janet, and I play the fool.")
J - Job title? Editorial Assistant. (Should be "Speaks-to-programmers.")
K - Kids? I hope so. I really hope so.
L - Living arrangements? Me and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sion_a, big house, lots of books, too many computers. Hopefully some cats soon, too.
M - Mum's name? Denise.
N - Number of people you've slept with? Er, 26-ish, modulo a) definitions of "slept with" (Does it COUNT? Moo.) and b) unaccountable memory lapses.
O - Overnight hospital stays? Yes, one. Useful learning experience.
P - Phobia? Flying ants. Filling in forms.
Q - Quote you like? Too many to list! How about "Sometimes in life you've got to dance like nobody's watching".
R - Religious affiliation? No thanks, I'm trying to give it up.
S - Siblings? One younger sister.
T - Time you wake up? 7:45, when James Naughtie's dulcet tones wake me into another dull day.
U - Unique habit? That horrible thing I can do with my eyes. Basically rolling them round independently of each other.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? None, but given a choice I'll avoid celery.
W - Worst habit? Playing minesweeper. Chewing my fingers. God, so many to choose from! Changing the subject between asking a question and getting an answer.
X - X-rays you've had? Teeth only (but quite a lot of those).
Y - Yummy food you make? fruitcaaaaaaake!
Z - Zodiac Sign? Taurus (load of bull if you ask me)
Once we'd got through that, though, the rest of the session wasn't much better. I'm more and more starting to think that I just don't get on with counselling in general. I'm sick and tired of answering the same questions again and again about when I did what, I'm sick of being told that I'm trying to trivialise certain aspects of my past when in fact I've just got over them, taken what's useful from them and moved on. It's like I'm not allowed to only be bothered by specific things; I have to work through all the same stuff again every single goddamned time. I mean, I know it's all intertwingled, but honestly. I want some "counselling for people who've already had so much counselling they can't keep track" sessions. Advanced counselling for long-term fruitcakes.
Anyway, at least I've only wasted £30; I have to pay for the trial session, but they're letting me "decide whether I want to continue" and I think I already know the answer to that one. I think I'd be better spending the money on cake, or train tickets to Oxford, or something.
Actually, that's a great idea. I'll set aside the money I would have spent on counselling and use it to buy nice things. :)
* * *
Oh, since I'm here, I might as well do the latest viral self-labelling exercise.
A - Act your age? When I have to.
B - Born on what day of the week? Friday. ("Works hard for a living"? Yeah, right.)
C - Chore you hate? Hoovering.
D - Dad's name? Cliff McKnight
E - Essential makeup item? nailvarnish (all 50-odd colours that I have...)
F - Favorite actor? Judy Garland.
G - Gold or silver? Silver.
H - Hometown? No idea what this means. Born in Uxbridge; raised in Crawley Down, Bramhall, Loughborough; lived in Oxford and Cambridge since then. Don't feel at home anywhere really, except possibly Oxford, and some areas of Switzerland.
I - Instruments you play? Piano, violin, viola, recorder (sop, descant, treble, tenor), flute (badly), guitar (worse). ("My name's Janet, and I play the fool.")
J - Job title? Editorial Assistant. (Should be "Speaks-to-programmers.")
K - Kids? I hope so. I really hope so.
L - Living arrangements? Me and
sion_a, big house, lots of books, too many computers. Hopefully some cats soon, too.M - Mum's name? Denise.
N - Number of people you've slept with? Er, 26-ish, modulo a) definitions of "slept with" (Does it COUNT? Moo.) and b) unaccountable memory lapses.
O - Overnight hospital stays? Yes, one. Useful learning experience.
P - Phobia? Flying ants. Filling in forms.
Q - Quote you like? Too many to list! How about "Sometimes in life you've got to dance like nobody's watching".
R - Religious affiliation? No thanks, I'm trying to give it up.
S - Siblings? One younger sister.
T - Time you wake up? 7:45, when James Naughtie's dulcet tones wake me into another dull day.
U - Unique habit? That horrible thing I can do with my eyes. Basically rolling them round independently of each other.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? None, but given a choice I'll avoid celery.
W - Worst habit? Playing minesweeper. Chewing my fingers. God, so many to choose from! Changing the subject between asking a question and getting an answer.
X - X-rays you've had? Teeth only (but quite a lot of those).
Y - Yummy food you make? fruitcaaaaaaake!
Z - Zodiac Sign? Taurus (load of bull if you ask me)
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 02:49 pm (UTC)Totally agree with the rest of it, though. Finding a counsellor you can work with is even harder IMHO than finding a partner with whom you're compatible.
And I'm happy to let anybody look inside my brain, but it's read-only. Only people I trust get to mess with my mind. I think in a way my willingness to talk about stuff and let people look gets in the way of counselling (ironically) -- I'm so used to talking about this stuff that a) it seems to throw them off balance, and b) it doesn't show me anything new about myself.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 03:41 pm (UTC)I don't think I'd have felt that. But I'm so wary of religion in all forms, these days, that continuing with someone who would (in my thoughts, at least) be judgemental would be a *bad thing*.
You've got to remember that you're doing the whole counselling thing for *you* and not those around you; otherwise it's sorta broken from the start. And if you know it doesn't work (and like you mentioned earlier) makes you stressed then it's probably not working for you. But that's not to say you should stop completely, but rather, maybe, look at other options and see if there's anything else that appeals to you or seems like it would help.
And I'm happy to let anybody look inside my brain, but it's read-only.
Mine is mostly, but I have hidden areas that nobody may enter, and a few restricted areas. But these are areas that I'd probably not let a counsellor, or anyone else, near, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2003-03-26 03:54 pm (UTC)I know I would. I do anyway, a bit -- even though I know, logically, that that's nonsense.
But I'm so wary of religion in all forms, these days, that continuing with someone who would (in my thoughts, at least) be judgemental would be a *bad thing*.
I don't think they'd necessarily be judgemental; I just think their outlook will be very different from mine, and I think that'll get in the way of them being able to tell me anything useful about the way I think, or the way I do things.
Basically I'm very wary of anything that gives people a set of externally-imposed rules by which they're supposed to think, act, live. Not so much because I think it's wrong, just because I think it gives them a fundamentally different way of looking at things from the way I look at things. I just wouldn't be speaking the same language as them.
I have hidden areas that nobody may enter, and a few restricted areas. But these are areas that I'd probably not let a counsellor, or anyone else, near, anyway.
I don't think I have any hidden or restricted areas. I can't honestly think of anything that I wouldn't be happy to talk about. (Of course, that kind of transparency just means that I maintain different levels of trust in different ways...)