Complimentary, my dear Watson

[j4]

When somebody gives you a compliment, how does it make you feel? Is it a good feeling? Is it a physical feeling, or is it thinking something good -- thinking as words, I mean -- or is it more like the way you experience things like warmth and comfort, or what? Is it something you want to go and get more of somehow, like a food you like; or is it more like something that's nice when it happens but you can't make it happen again (though you might be able to increase the chances of it happening again), like winning a competition?

[If you're going to try to answer any of that lot, please don't just say "Oh, you know," because I don't. Imagine you're trying to explain colours to someone who's been blind since birth.]

On the University Counselling Services website, it says "Allow yourself to feel pleasure at what you have achieved and reward yourself for each achievement." I don't understand what they mean by "allow yourself" -- it sounds as though they're accusing me of preventing myself from feeling pleasure at it. If I am, then it's only in the same way that I'm preventing myself from feeling pleasure at eating Marmite. I just don't like the taste; in the same way, I just don't feel anything at the stuff I've "achieved". I don't think I know what counts as an "achievement", because it seems to be at least in part circularly defined as "the things you've done that make you feel good about yourself". I don't have any of those. Really, honestly, that's not just "false modesty", it's genuine total incomprehension. I do not know what it feels like to "feel good about myself". If it's something I've felt, I wouldn't know how to identify it, and I certainly wouldn't be able to correlate it with the things I've done in any meaningful way.

There are things I've done that other people say things about, and mostly I wish they wouldn't, because I don't like being praised for things that I don't consider praiseworthy (the best analogy I can find is to suggest that you imagine how you'd feel if somebody said "You're really good at getting drunk", or "You bully people really effectively"). Then there are things that people don't say things about. They're less of a problem. I don't really feel anything about them. Then there are things that, when I do them, it makes the slightly queasy feeling of guilt in my stomach go away for a couple of seconds before I remember the next thing I'm supposed to be doing and haven't done yet. Is that absence-of-discomfort what "feeling good about myself" means?

And I really don't know what "rewarding myself" means. I don't want a candlelit bubble-bath, chocolate, a day of pampering at a health spa, a manicure, etc. I don't want or need any more CDs/books, and if I bought myself a CD or a book every time I managed to do the little things I do (like managing to do the laundry or tidy a room or send an email or something), I'd be even more broke than I already am. The only "reward" I want, the only thing that I can think of that I want, is to actually be a functioning member of the human race. If I could produce that for myself on demand, I wouldn't need to balance chocolates on my nose as a "reward" for getting up in the morning. I can't do anything, and I've tried so many different shapes of stick and so many different flavours of carrot.

I don't know how to fix this. The thought of being like this forever makes me cry, and I'm tired of crying, it makes it really hard to even pretend to do my job.

Comments

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

A compliment as a physical feeling is warmth, looking upwards, breathing easier and above all being able to relax. It's independent evidence of the worth of something I've done (or a quality I have) and thus a judgement which I can trust more than my own assessment. A compliment which I think is empty ('you have such nice handwriting!') I just ignore as a how's-the-weather social tic.

Criticism, whether explicit or implicit, has the reverse effect: a chill, tension and the feeling that I'll have to try harder.

Many people have commented that a compliment makes them feel uncomfortable. You might want to ask in that case why people give compliments.

[j4.livejournal.com]

a judgement which I can trust more than my own assessment

I don't understand why this follows from the other. It's an independent assessment, therefore it's a second opinion. I can see (at least intellectually) why it would reassure you if it collaborates your own assessment of yourself, but I can't see why it would be inherently more trustworthy than your own assessment of yourself. (For a start, as a relativist, I don't believe that other people necessarily share my values/priorities, so I don't believe -- and often have more evidence to the contrary than otherwise -- that they're necessarily assessing me in the light of the values/priorities which are meaningful to me.)

A compliment which I think is empty ('you have such nice handwriting!') I just ignore as a how's-the-weather social tic.

It's interesting, then, that when I say 'you have such nice handwriting!' to you, you nearly always reply "not as nice as yours". Is that also a social tic? Is that the standard response to those sort of empty compliments? I've been told in the past that doing that is self-deprecating; but if you do it, I'm inclined to doubt that it is, since self-deprecation is not a quality I've ever observed in you.

Criticism, whether explicit or implicit, has the reverse effect: a chill, tension and the feeling that I'll have to try harder.

Okay. Now imagine getting a non-stop stream of criticism in your ear, every waking moment, and through most of your dreams as well.

The chill and tension (you put it well) are there nearly all the time, lurking underneath whatever I'm thinking or feeling or doing. The tension is like the feeling before an exam you haven't revised for, but on which your entire future depends; the chill is like 4 a.m. loneliness, it's like thinking about somebody you love and remembering that they're dead now.

Try harder. Try harder. Do more things. Do them better. Be somebody else. Be anybody else. Try harder again. It's never enough. ("Which GCSEs did you only get 'A's in?") You're never good enough. It's your own fault if you fail. You just didn't try hard enough. Pills don't work? You didn't want to get well. Counselling didn't work? You're resisting treatment. Try harder.

The problem is, often I don't know how to try harder. I feel I need to try smarter rather than harder, but I don't know how to do that either.

Many people have commented that a compliment makes them feel uncomfortable. You might want to ask in that case why people give compliments.

Okay, then: why do people give compliments?

I give compliments because I thought they made people feel better. It sometimes makes me feel a bit like a vegan attempting to cook a tasty steak tartare for my friends, but I try anyway; just because I don't like something is no reason to withhold it from people who do like it.

One theory I have is that people give compliments to make them feel better about themself: "I have given somebody a compliment, therefore I am a good person." This doesn't work for me either, but as I suspect I'm just terminally autistic in this area I don't think that necessarily implies that it isn't true of some people.

[taimatsu]

I give compliments fairly infrequently - I certainly don't go round blurting them out all the time. I give a compliment usually when something has really impressed me; I don't actually see it as 'giving a compliment', more as simply saying what I feel about something, telling the truth, as it were. I tend to say things like 'Wow, I like your skirt!' more than 'Gosh, you look nice!' because the latter sometimes has the potential implication '... and you don't usually!'

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

It's an independent assessment, therefore it's a second opinion.

If your family attended one of your concerts and complimented you, would you trust their assessment more or less than that in a printed review? In my case I'd expect my family to err on the side of praise for fear that criticism would upset me.

In the same way, I have to believe that what I do (or who I am) is worthwhile in order to do it (or be it). So my self-assessment is unreliable and a second opinion confirming or denying it is important.

You don't believe that about yourself at all, do you?

you nearly always reply "not as nice as yours". Is that also a social tic?

I've heard women saying that they've felt awkward when, on being complimented on their clothes, they can't honestly reciprocate. So it's partly convention. (Though I mean it about the handwriting.)

I thought the flash of discomfort and 'it's-nothing-really' wave of the hand on receiving a compliment were equally empty conventions.

The tension is like the feeling before an exam you haven't revised for

Don't you ever want people to tell you when you've passed? Lots of people come out of exams dramatically underestimating how they performed. Fortunately they soon have independent evidence.

Okay, then: why do people give compliments?

To make people feel better. We now know compliments make as many people uncomfortable as they make happy. You should stop colluding.

[j4.livejournal.com]

If your family attended one of your concerts and complimented you, would you trust their assessment more or less than that in a printed review?

Er. I don't think I understand the question. I've never been in anything that's been reviewed in print, so I really don't know how I'd feel about a printed review. (I don't trust reviewers' opinions of albums, most of the time.) And my family stopped coming to my concerts because they admitted that they didn't enjoy them & found them pretty boring.

In the same way, I have to believe that what I do (or who I am) is worthwhile in order to do it (or be it). So my self-assessment is unreliable and a second opinion confirming or denying it is important.

You don't believe that about yourself at all, do you?

No. I honestly don't. I can't imagine what it would be like to think that.

The reason I exist is not because I believe that I'm worthwhile & should keep on existing, but because everybody keeps telling me I'm not allowed to kill myself. The things I do are largely an attempt to stop me thinking while I fill in the time before dying naturally. They're not worthwhile either, but I try to do things that don't cause any more harm to other people than necessary.

Don't you ever want people to tell you when you've passed?

It's not a real exam, Owen. It's a feeling that I was trying to explain to you in terms you might understand. It's like always being in that hour before the exam when you're terrified you're going to fail, maybe sometimes making it to the first 5 minutes of the exam when you look at the questions and feel that they might as well be written in Sanskrit... but never getting the feeling of a weight off your shoulders when you finish, and certainly never being told "You've passed."

We now know compliments make as many people uncomfortable as they make happy. You should stop colluding.

So you'd rather I didn't give you compliments?