P.(M.)S.

[j4]

Addendum to the previous post:

Could people PLEASE, PLEASE, stop asking if I'm pregnant? I get this every time I mention the health problems I've been having, and I can't stand it any longer. I'm about as certain as it's possible to be that I'm NOT pregnant. I know I'm fat, and I know I feel like shit in the mornings, but both of those things have been true since I was a teenager, and neither of those things actually mean I'm pregnant. And frankly it hurts like a punch in the stomach every time somebody asks me. The thing I want more than anything else in the world is to have children, but judging from the state my body is in it's unlikely ever to happen, and even if it turns out that it is physically possible, a) I can't afford it, and b) plenty of people have told me it would be criminally irresponsible to have children given that I still suffer from depression. It breaks my heart every day that I'm wasting my entire life pretending I want a "career" in being a glorified secretary (glorified by having "web" in the job description) while the "career" I want is that of being a mother. That's bad enough. But being reminded about it all the time, particularly by people who are already mothers, just makes it too much to bear.

Comments

[aldabra]

Oh I'm sorry. Wasn't meant like that.

[atommickbrane.livejournal.com]

I think you have very long lasting indigestion caused by not eating enough apple crumble. GET TO IT young j4. PS, I got the dinosaur and cow cookie cutters and the lovely postcard of LONDRES is up on my desk - hooray thank you!

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

FWIW (which isn't much), I don't think b) is true. I've known mothers with depression. And they've been just as good, and bad, as the mothers without.

[rmc28]

Strongly seconded. It makes me feel almost violent, people saying things like that.

[daneel-olivaw.livejournal.com]

Ditto. Also (referring back to the OP) I don't think that anyone thinks they can afford it at the time - I'm sure the majority of people discover they're pregnant (or decide they want to be) and muddle through. I suspect you'd cope better than a lot, and I know you'd make a very good mother.

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

and I know you'd make a very good mother.

Agreed with. Totally.

[rmc28]

My ex-boyfriend's mother used to say "If you wait until you can afford children, you'll never have them."

[filecoreinuse.livejournal.com]

*sympathy*

On the general subject of children (and this might be a little insensitive, I apologise if that is the case) I've often wondered why people actually want children. I really have no desire myself and I'm certain Jennie lacks any form of mother-instinct, neither can I see any desire coming upon me in later life. Can anyone who feels such a need explain it or is it one of those weird 'natural' things — like me finding girls sexy — which is pretty much hardwired.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I can't explain it, & frankly given that thinking about it is making me cry I'm not about to try just to satisfy your curiosity.

Though I'm sure all the happy mums on my flist will be delighted to follow up and fill my inbox with tales of how wonderful it is to have children.

[damned-colonial.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it helps any, but I *so* understand this frustration. I've spent half my life explaining that no, just because the idea of breakfast makes me queasy most of the time, the chances of me being pregnant are really very low indeed, usually nil. Gah, people are so annoying sometimes. *sporks them*

[vatine]

If that was the case, I would've been pregnant for the last 15 years and I seriously doubt that (what with being male and all).

[vinaigrettegirl.livejournal.com]

[treads delicately] As one who hasn't been part of the discussion, and believing that if my body could produce a kid [no discussions of endless hormonal whinges, just use any old identikit hormonal whinge], and having two totally infertile friends, I'd reckon you may possibly have a chance at it, unless you have gone through all the tests and been definitively told "no". In which case, ouchouchouch, and I'm sorry.

You didn't seem at all fat when I glimpsed you in Cambridge: petite, slender in the right places, with curves. It's easy to feel fat when one is a five-footer and more than about 7 stone. Doesn't mean one is fat, though.

Depression: you wouldn't be criminally irresponsible to have a child. It may be that part of the depression is not having one (or more, who knows). I had horrific PND for over two years after Child and only wish I'd been braver about treatment, but it didn't make me a worse mother. But of course part of being depressed is feeling unable to say "oh, stuff my depression, I think I'll just feel good after all today." Motherhood is a mixed bag altogether, and some are good, with depression, and others are terrible and not depressed.

Money: if you and A.N. Other can keep a roof over your head and afford the basics (beans, rice, green stuff, fruit, winter warmth, and new shoes), then you absolutely DO have everything else a child can possibly need. You have a lot of love to give, you're musically fit and adept, you're literate, and you're a dead whiz at shopping for second-hand clothing and other Good Stuff.

So: I guess you and Himself talk it all over for a good long while, and in due course, give yourselves a chance, and see what happens. You might need to take good care of your body for a while first, maybe 12-24 months, first.

I am sorry you are crying. It's worth crying about, though; it's a sad thing to contemplate, I agree.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Thank you for a sensitive reply, not to say that others haven't been sensitive, but you've managed to avoid poking any more sore spots, & I'm grateful for that.

Re tests/fertility: no, I haven't had tests, but not much hope anyway. Nothing else in my body works, so why should that? (And even if it did, I probably should refrain from bringing another person into the world who will be cursed from birth with this sort of poor health.)

Re fatness: I'm 5'1" and about 10.5 stone, which is Hugely Overweight by any height-weight chart. I haven't weighed 7 stone since I was about 7 years old! (My dad weighs 7.5 stone. Why didn't I inherit his genes?) At the moment I feel even more like a blimp than usual, but that's partly the wind.

But of course part of being depressed is feeling unable to say "oh, stuff my depression, I think I'll just feel good after all today."

YES. I wish I could somehow inject some awareness of that into the heads of EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD.

snap!

[vinaigrettegirl.livejournal.com]

I am also, then, Hugely Overweight. I thought I was borderline Very Naughty.

Oh, well. Cuss. I guess buying a pedometer hasn't done that much for me after all. ;->

Something that doesn't always help, but which may do, re depression, is sth I learned from one of my endless forays into How To Be A Better Parent, which is this: a good way to box yourself and your [inner] child into a really shite place is to believe that your negative predictions about them have any validity whatsoever ("he'll never be a singer/he's already showing signs of being a delinquent/he has no visual sense/he'll never read/she's a slow learner/she'll always be shy"). Parents project their fears onto their kids sometimes, just as we overinterpret our own fears, and IT IS NORMAL to do so, but it's wise to be aware and self-correct.

It's like driving a car, you know, steering away from predicting the Future, but just as one has to be taught about driving and then do it, I don't see why we think we "shouldn't" need teaching about how to avoid some kinds of depressive thoughts. It's a form of mental lane discipline, and very useful around cliff edges, blind turns, and motorways in the rain at night on a main lorry route. It's also a learned behaviour, at least in my case.

We cannot and do not know the future. Your child/ren may not inherit your bad health, for a start, even if your 'good health' genes are recessive in you. Ditto your 'thin body' genes (although 7.5 stone makes me wonder why your dad ended up as an academic when clearly he would have earned a shedload more dosh as a jockey; ruddy 'eck, that's Really Very Thin indeed).

Lacking data, I wouldn't know if nothing else in your body works, but thinking back over several years of reportage, it may be that just at the moment your perception varies a great deal from that of more intimate friends you have. I do know you have a fine mind and a sensitive nature and those are both interconnected with the overall biology which hosts the ghost in the machine.

But hugs, anyway, and I'm glad not to have poked more holes in your leaky sieve of a boat. YOur shore is, at least, near, even if your feet are a bit wet.

Candied ginger, anyone?