everybody hurts

[j4]

Feels like last night is just a blur of blood and tears.


I just can't deal with always having to protect sion_a from the terrifying world that he's constructed around him, the world where everybody will apparently respond to the slightest word or glance from him with physical violence. I can't always be there to tell people "No, he doesn't want to be touched" (no, he doesn't take sugar).

Not that it's his fault if somebody assumes that everybody always wants to be stroked and pawed-at all the time, but it should be his responsibility to do something about it if he doesn't want it.

Stress with sion_a made me less able to deal with other stuff. Everything went pearshaped for reasons I can't quite establish, can't quite see/remember through the haze of drink and hurt. Sometimes I really do think that a lot of people would be much happier without me around. :-( I always just seem to end up hurting all the people I love.

And trying to describe it all at this distance just feels empty and numb and meaningless. Which is about how I've been feeling for most of today so far. People are saying things and they're just not connecting; it's times like this when I really do feel that it would be better to feel bad than to feel nothing at all.

Mildly surprised to see giolla there last night; even more surprised that he was trying to talk to me. It did appear that all was not quite as fluffy as usual in matching-tattoo land, though, so maybe he just got confused without gothslut leading him around on a chain.

Comments

[sparrowsion]

Do you assume that if you say "Please don't do that" then the other person will interpret this as aggressive, offensive, confrontational, and promptly beat you up?

I think (and I've been thinking about this a lot since last night) that what I'm mostly thinking is that "Please don't do that" will be ignored. That, in the general case, if the person is doing something I don't like with hostile intent, they will take such a reaction as encouragement to persist; or if they're doing it because of socialization differences (eg the classic "geek with no sense of personal space") then they just won't get it. Or, as in this specific case, I don't want to cause offence/upset by telling someone that what they're doing as, AFAICT, as a friendly gesture isn't that welcome.

I've also been trying to figure out exactly what it is that I'm uncomfortable with, as there's a complexity there that also contributes to having trouble saying anything. If it were a simple "don't touch" that would be one thing -- but it's not that easy. Quite apart from the (obvious?) fact that I'm happy for lovers to touch me in ways I wouldn't like from friends, and friends in ways I wouldn't strangers (in fact, "don't touch" probably does go for strangers) exactly what I'm happy with from friends is not easy to define. First cut appears to be something like "hugs are OK, stroking clothes is OK, touching head or waist or stroking me is not".

[j4.livejournal.com]

That, in the general case, if the person is doing something I don't like with hostile intent, they will take such a reaction as encouragement to persist

So basically you're assuming that there's no way of stopping people who are doing things to you with hostile intent? That scares me.

if they're doing it because of socialization differences (eg the classic "geek with no sense of personal space") then they just won't get it

They don't have to "get" it; if they have any sense of respect for other human beings then they should respond to a polite request to stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable, however bizarre it may seem to them. (If they care, they can always ask "Why does that bother you?") I mean, unless the thing that's making you uncomfortable is something that they honestly can't help.

Or, as in this specific case, I don't want to cause offence/upset by telling someone that what they're doing as, AFAICT, as a friendly gesture isn't that welcome.

If they're doing it to be friendly then this presumes that they like you, right? In which case, they probably don't want to do something that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable. So you're better off telling them.

I mean, hell, I think kissing people is a friendly gesture, but it's only any use as such if it's welcomed by the people I'm doing it to. So I don't kiss people who I know don't like it. e.g. I try not to be too huggy/kissy with J-P, because I know it stresses him out -- I want to be friendly and affectionate towards him, but I don't want to upset him in the process, because that would defeat the object of being friendly/affectionate!

First cut appears to be something like "hugs are OK, stroking clothes is OK, touching head or waist or stroking me is not".

I think it's only really the stroking-clothes-being-okay that makes that complicated. The rest seems a fairly simple divide between friendly contact and more sensual/sexual contact. (Stroking people, if you don't have a fairly good idea already that they're happy with it, really is a bit presumptuous, IMHO.) And you don't really have to explain that stroking clothes is different -- if you particularly want them to stroke your clothes, then okay, you'll have to explain it; but you managed to be "a vegetarian" for years because it was too complicated to explain that you liked some meats but not others -- can't you manage to say "I don't like that" without getting into more complicated explanations?

With the stroking clothes thing, I generally just ask -- "Wow, velvety, can I stroke it?" -- though of course that presumes that the other person is capable of saying "No". Asking people before doing stuff is a good strategy, though, generally; and people who don't ask first should be prepared to get told "oi, stop" from time to time.

Basically if they're well-intentioned, they shouldn't object to being asked not to do something that's upsetting you; if they're not well-intentioned, better to find out (and hopefully get them away from you somehow) before things go too far.

I really do think that very few people who you meet in e.g. goth clubs will be actually aiming to assault you or even just piss you off or anything, though. They're much more likely just to be clueless muppets who haven't yet acquired any kind of social/sexual maturity, who see a pretty boy and think "oo! shiny! stroke it!" -- and you'll be doing them a favour by reminding them that people should be allowed to have a choice in whether or not they get mauled by overenthusiastic goth kittens.

[saraphale.livejournal.com]

I think (and I've been thinking about this a lot since last night) that what I'm mostly thinking is that "Please don't do that" will be ignored. That, in the general case, if the person is doing something I don't like with hostile intent, they will take such a reaction as encouragement to persist;

A bullying mindset, you mean? Asking or telling someone to stop doesn't imply weakness, and not everyone does things with hostile intent. Intellectually easy to understand, though knowing it is takes more.