everybody hurts

[j4]

Feels like last night is just a blur of blood and tears.


I just can't deal with always having to protect sion_a from the terrifying world that he's constructed around him, the world where everybody will apparently respond to the slightest word or glance from him with physical violence. I can't always be there to tell people "No, he doesn't want to be touched" (no, he doesn't take sugar).

Not that it's his fault if somebody assumes that everybody always wants to be stroked and pawed-at all the time, but it should be his responsibility to do something about it if he doesn't want it.

Stress with sion_a made me less able to deal with other stuff. Everything went pearshaped for reasons I can't quite establish, can't quite see/remember through the haze of drink and hurt. Sometimes I really do think that a lot of people would be much happier without me around. :-( I always just seem to end up hurting all the people I love.

And trying to describe it all at this distance just feels empty and numb and meaningless. Which is about how I've been feeling for most of today so far. People are saying things and they're just not connecting; it's times like this when I really do feel that it would be better to feel bad than to feel nothing at all.

Mildly surprised to see giolla there last night; even more surprised that he was trying to talk to me. It did appear that all was not quite as fluffy as usual in matching-tattoo land, though, so maybe he just got confused without gothslut leading him around on a chain.

Comments

[kaet.livejournal.com]

I was a bit ham-fisted in my reply. I guess I was confusing two different feelings. The first is to do with body image. I really dislike my body for a fair few really quite strong reasons, and being touched particularly, say, my waist or beard-area, is like touching an open sore, it's something that you only let people with a very delicate touch do. I like either not to be aware of my body, or to hide it in theatre; touching me inteferes with that defence mechanism.

Do you assume that if you say "Please don't do that" then the other person will interpret this as aggressive, offensive, confrontational,

Yes. I'd expect to be asked to explain myself, or for someone to say oh, go on and me have to explain why and they'd probably have no end of theorems and strategems and justifications and precedents, and I'd end up getting all confused, say the wrong thing, and then end up accidentally agreeing to it. Or else they'd respect me in a biconny I respect your right to sit in the corner while everyone else enjoys themselves or I'm not a puritain freak, but I gallantly defend your right to be a puritain freak kind of way.

and promptly beat you up?

I guess kind of beat me up. I often end up playing mother in these situations and it's amazing how many times this means sacrificing things like sleep or food to sit in hospitals, calling ambulances, talk-down people freaking out, coaxing people out of toilets, convincing people to put the knife at my belly down, and so on, if you're taken as being agressive, offensive and confronational, even if you don't mean to be. Okay, so rational people wouldn't do that kind of thing, but I don't know many (any?) of them and a good proportion of the world seem to be off their head much of the time. The alternative, to leave them, or not to be asked to help, is much worse for me, and would hurt me more. So either way, I would lose out. So I tend to avoid situations like this developing, if possible. I know that's kind of selfish, but I've only a certain amount of energy, and sometimes things go wrong anyway, because of illness or bad fortune or because people are having a really bad time so looking for further trouble by confronting people is usually inadvisable.

I don't do a very good impression of a doormat.

The thing which is limiting in my self-abuse is often that I'm not really a very agressive person and, whoever you aim it at, I think you need a certain amount of aarrrgghh! to cause harm. There are many times that I relish the opporunity to be hurt without me having to try to do the hurting. I like to think that I would fight, it's a pathetic state of affairs reallt, and irresponsible, but I probably wouldn't.

I'm only speaking for myself, here, sion_a is probably very different, :(.

[j4.livejournal.com]

[body image]
This stuff all makes perfect sense.

I'd expect to be asked to explain myself

Personally I think "Because I don't want you to do that" is a perfectly good explanation, and anybody who won't accept that is being fairly insensitive.

Maybe I've just been really lucky with who I've met, but generally I find that most people do accept "I just don't want you to", and even those who try the "oh, go on" will usually get the message the second or third time, when "no" is repeated louder and firmer. There shouldn't be any need for explanations (although if people are sensitive etc. anyway then I often want to explain stuff to them).

Or else they'd respect me in a biconny I respect your right to sit in the corner while everyone else enjoys themselves or I'm not a puritain freak, but I gallantly defend your right to be a puritain freak kind of way.

Gakkk. Yes. That sort of thing winds me up lots. "Your kink is FREAKOID WEIRD-ASSED SHIT but honestly it's okay." Die die die die die. ... Spot the person who's not going to BiCon this year.

[people freaking out]
I'm not talking about being aggressive and confrontational, just about being assertive enough to ask people to stop doing things you don't like. And if these people, whoever they are, really cannot respond to "Please don't do that" without attacking you with knives, then frankly they need serious help; caring about them is one thing, but nobody could expect you to put yourself in that kind of danger -- and what's going to happen when they interact with somebody who isn't prepared to let them walk all over them?

The thing which is limiting in my self-abuse is often that I'm not really a very agressive person

In that case I'm glad you're not more aggressive... Mind you, there is a difference between aggressive and assertive. I don't think you have to be aggressive (or violent) to be assertive; possibly quite the opposite, in fact.

*hugs* though anyway (careful hugs, without touching any sore spots) -- and I'm sorry if this is all awkward to talk about.