Those endless days

[j4]

It's been so long since I updated this. I had an entry written at home, but ntl's poxy wouldn't let me post it, and I never got round to transferring it elsewhere.

Good things in the last few days:

• Gorgeous flowers and chocolates from lnr -- thank you again love, the flowers are still brightening up the living room.


• Ely Folk Festival -- two fantastic sets from the Oysterband; interesting music from Rory McLeod; good beer, good food, good company; playing with poi; watching morris dancing and rapier dancing; gorgeous weather.


• Spending time with people I love.


• Cycling a lot more; feeling vaguely physically fit again.


• Balloon animals.


• Armfuls of good books.


• Blue skies, and white curtains blowing in the breeze.

Bad things in the past few days:

• Drunken arguments with friends and loved ones.


• Crying in the dark.


• Not knowing what to do.


• Work (ongoing miserable boredom).


• Unwanted stress from a new acquaintance who described himself as a "free spirit" and said he didn't want much from me but is now lecturing me about how "open relationships" are supposed to work.


• And one other worry which I can't talk about.

This morning I felt like the good things were winning. Now I feel like the bad things are getting the better of me again.

Just wish I knew what the hell I was doing with my life.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

> Just wish I knew what the hell I was doing with my life.

It's not something you find out. It's something you decide.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Hello, anonymous person.

Yes, of course it's something you decide. But it's a complex decision at the best of times, there are always lots of factors to be considered when deciding, and at the moment it feels particularly difficult -- lots of conflicting desires, for a start.

I'm not expecting the answer to be handed to me on a plate, but the fact remains that at the moment I don't feel like I know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm poised between a lot of decisions, and I guess what I'm wishing is that I had a clearer sense of what the outcome(s) of my choice(s) would be; and possibly wishing that some of the possible choices could somehow be removed, but I know that would be abdicating responsibility for my own actions/choices/decisions, and I wouldn't want to do that even if I could. Possibly just wishing that I'd already made the choices that I'm currently worrying about, so they wouldn't be still to make.

Does that make it clearer what I meant?