Mixed up

[j4]

THANK YOU to brrm for the little model of pto452 which arrived in the post this morning -- I was very much in need of cheering up and that really made me grin.

New Oysterband CD from play.com arrived in the post this morning. It's been a long time since I've bought an album where I knew over half the songs on it already from live performances. Listening to that is helping a bit too.

Otherwise though things are really not great. I feel ongoingly ill -- stomach is still bad, the heat isn't helping, and I'm not sleeping properly at all: partly because I'm too hot, partly because I don't get to bed till late, and partly because when I do go to bed ... well, we turn the lights out and "go to sleep", and I lie there crying quietly and wondering whether sion_a will notice that I'm crying, and then resenting the fact that he doesn't notice, and then wondering if I really want him to notice, because he's not going to be able to say anything that helps, and most of the time he won't say anything and I'll wonder if he's asleep or ignoring me or "just thinking" or just not knowing what to say. I fall asleep somewhere after 2am, and if I remember my dreams they're usually chaotic and shot through with anxiety.

And when I wake up I find I didn't want to wake up. I don't want to go to work; it's not as if I get anything done when I'm there, and even if I worked non-stop I'd still be doing useless work that doesn't benefit anybody. But I don't want to stay in bed, I don't want to stay at home ("home"), I don't know what I want to do except just lie down and stop. I want to run away, but I don't know where, and if I could run away, I wouldn't need to run away.

I feel like I'm losing touch with nearly everybody, even the people I still see. I feel like the conversations I'm having with them are becoming less and less meaningful; and they feel forced, false, futile. Losing touch with people who are still there is a strange experience; it's like when you're sitting on a train, and the train next to you starts to move, and for a moment you're not sure whether you're moving away or being moved away from. ... I'm still not sure. I think I'll only know for certain when the flatlands all around me fall away like melting snow.

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

something my mum suggested to me the other day was just to take a week off work and go and stay at home for a while

Funny you should mention that... I was planning to go home next weekend (and since I don't work on Fridays it could be a long weekend). I think it probably will help.

I'd love to take a week off work but since they still haven't actually given me a contract it'd be a week of not getting paid; and if they do give me a contract then I won't have enough holiday to take a week off. :-/

sometimes just getting to the point where you start yelling instead can help

Oh, I've tried that. Yelling achieves even less. It just wears me out, and makes me hate myself for being mean to somebody who never yells back, never argues, never objects to anything, in fact never reacts except to look miserable.

I don't want to just drift away from you, but I don't want to risk making you feel worse, which I'm scared of doing.

You're not going to make me feel worse. At least I really don't think you are. I just miss you terribly. And part of that is missing being girlfriends, because that was wonderful while it lasted, but mostly at the moment I'm just so afraid that I'm losing you as a friend. And I feel like it's all my fault, the whole thing, not just us but the whole friends/relationships mess.

You know I'm always happy for you to talk, even when I can't help.

We-ell... I feel like I can't talk about any of the things that are really making things awkward. And the fact that I can't talk about them is what's making them awkward. If you see what I mean.

I'm sorry. This is all coming out all incoherent.

Will you be at the Calling tonight perhaps?

Possibly. I can't promise. Right now I don't feel at all in the mood for dancing, to be honest; but I'll see how I feel later.

[lnr]

awkwardness: I think I know what you mean. I wish you could talk more easily, but I understand. Hell, it'd be good just to know that things are still OK between you and August though. I presume you don't talk about it because you don't want to make me feel jealous, and he's barely talking to me at all, but I do hope it's still good. There's so much stuff I just find myself not being able to say to anyone either though, so I do know where you're coming from.

whole mess: I don't see how it's all your fault. I think different people have all contributed bits to it, and it all just ends up adding up. And I don't want to lose you as a friend either. *sigh* I just feel so useless. Sorry, not doing very well at making you feel better here :-/

Calling: still nto sure if I'll be there either: long w/e off and I don't feel any less worn out than I did before it. I'll see you at Christi's anyway hopefully if not before.

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

he's barely talking to me at all

I don't seem to have seen you in weeks.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Hell, it'd be good just to know that things are still OK between you and August though.

They are.

I presume you don't talk about it because you don't want to make me feel jealous

That's one of the reasons why I don't talk about it. I don't want to make sion_a feel jealous either.

and he's barely talking to me at all

I should imagine he's finding it pretty awkward too.

I just feel so useless. Sorry, not doing very well at making you feel better here

*hugs* It's okay. It's good just to know that we're still talking, albeit a bit awkwardly.

I'll see you at Christi's anyway hopefully if not before.

Yep, I'll be there, though I won't be staying late as I have to be in Cherry Hinton at 7am the next morning so I can get a lift to Winchcombe for karate gradings. :-(