Days of whine and grouses
Aug. 12th, 2003 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j4If you're likely to get annoyed with me for whining, do us both a favour and look away now.
Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.
Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.
Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.
I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.
Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.
Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.
Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.
I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-13 12:36 am (UTC)Aaaanyway, what I'm trying to say is that your body doesn't lie. If things/people don't boost your energy, maybe they shouldn't be in your life. It's more complicated with people, obviously, because there are times in every relationship where one person leans on the other, but.
As for wanting babies, I've had a couple of days of vomit, freeform poo and sleep deprivation, and I've decided I Don't Understand You. Of course the sick and poo was all my own, but they always say "it's different when it's your own", and they're clearly lying if they're talking about bodily fluids... I think I'm rambling now.
no subject
Date: 2003-08-13 07:46 am (UTC)Is it about "de-cluttering"? They were talking about that on Just a Minute the other day. Quack quack quack Mornington Crescent! ... but it was quite funny.
I looked at "De-Junk Your Life" once in a bookshop, but decided that if I bought it I'd just be contributing to the junk in my life. I think that taught me an important lesson.
It said that you have to look at every item and think "Does it boost my energy to look at it/ be around it?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Is it genuinely useful?" If the answer's 'no', ask "Well, what the hell is it doing in my house?"
This sounds like William Morris's advice to "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful", only updated for the energy-junkie generation. It's good advice, though, however it's phrased.
Aaaanyway, what I'm trying to say is that your body doesn't lie. If things/people don't boost your energy, maybe they shouldn't be in your life. It's more complicated with people, obviously, because there are times in every relationship where one person leans on the other, but.
That's the problem, it is more complicated with people, because there's no easy way of determining whether you're still breaking even in the long-term. And you know what it's like when you're just feeling really lethargic (and the heat PHEW WHAT A SCORCHER doesn't help, either) -- it feels like nothing "boosts your energy", with the possible exception of HARD DRUGS. Even caffeine isn't working for me any more, it's just giving me the shakes.
As for wanting babies, I've had a couple of days of vomit, freeform poo and sleep deprivation, and I've decided I Don't Understand You.
Does this mean you don't want to have my post-ironic lesbian lovechildren any more?
Y'know, though, I don't actually want the sick and poo and sleep-deprivation in and of itself. It's a means to an end. Mind you, I've had stomach pains for several weeks now, and I haven't slept properly for months, and I can't even look forward to the fact that at the end of it all I'll have a teenager who hates me and blames me for everything from the Fall of Man onwards.