Days of whine and grouses
Aug. 12th, 2003 04:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j4If you're likely to get annoyed with me for whining, do us both a favour and look away now.
Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.
Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.
Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.
I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.
Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.
Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.
Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.
I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.
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no subject
Date: 2003-08-13 07:31 am (UTC)Gah. I hate it when that happens!
People are here for you. Don't be afraid to call on us - not everyone is intertwingled with all of the above, so even if we can only help with bits, between us we can do some good.
The thing is, there really isn't very much that anybody can do to help. I know you've said in the past that there's never a situation where nobody can help, but at the moment the main problem is that I have to make decisions about what I'm doing with my life, and I either don't know what I want (and only I can really decide that) or I know what I need but I don't want to have to do it (and only I can make the decision to go ahead and do it), IYSWIM.
Comments and reassurances and hugs and stuff do help, though, & I am grateful for them (although I feel a bit guilty for "soliciting" them [even though that's not really the intention] by wibbling on LJ).
What I found is that if I could just untangle one thread, the whole lot would start to make a lot more sense...
At the moment I feel like if I untangle one thread, the whole damn jumper will unravel around my ears. :-} But you're probably right.