Days of whine and grouses

[j4]

If you're likely to get annoyed with me for whining, do us both a favour and look away now.

Fed up with work, both in the microcosm (things going wrong with the actual work) and the macrocosm (the job itself is fucking tedious). Fed up with feeling like this about it; I feel like I ought to be able to just put up with it and make the best of a crap job because it's probably the best I'm ever going to have. At this rate probably the only job I'm ever going to have, since when they fire me (as they inevitably will) I'll have no references as well as no experience.

Fed up with pointless arguments on email; after today's exchanges I'm almost looking forward to not being able to email at all in working hours. It might make things easier. As it is I just seem to spend the entire day feeling miserable when emails are terse and disinterested, and feeling paranoid and stressed when emails aren't forthcoming at all.

Fed up with not being able to talk about relationships, whether they're going well or not; there's no-one with whom I can share the fears and doubts, or enthuse about the good bits. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a vacuum. Though actually I know I'm living in a huge messy house full of broken things, and that's another thing that I'm fed up with, I don't feel at home there, I don't feel I can make it my home. I don't feel it's ever going to be the place I dreamed it was going to be.

I want to go home, and I don't know where home is. I feel like crying, but if I start I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to stop.

Comments

[marnameow.livejournal.com]

No shouting, I have considered teaching, & am still sort of considering it, but I'm worried about trying to help other people learn when I don't seem to be able to learn anything myself any more.

Maybe teaching would help you to learn, though? Or at least let you move into a space where you can learn. Being stuck in a soul-leaching environment like your current job cannot be helping. *I* think you'd make a great teacher. You'd be the sort of teacher that I wished I had at school.

Money/time/tired-ness wise? It might be worth checking what it would entail, exactly. There must be people to give you details somewhere. And the working very hard at something you *cared* about might be good - it might siphon off the excess Jan-energy that you're using for fretting?

I can't think of anything that I really really want to do apart from being a mummy-badger. :-( And that's not a Career Choice for the Modern Woman, see.

Screw that Career Choice crap! (and this coming from this Ms Feminist of the Year) If that's what you really want then make it your ultimate goal. But you need to do something along the way to there, and where you are now really isn't helping *anything*.

Oh, definitely. Finances are not up to baby-bringing-up at the moment, and relationships aren't in a state where adding babies would be workable.

I don't think the finances are all *that* essential. I mean, you could do the Single Mother thing and throw yourself on the mercy of the state. But that's going to benefit neither you nor the baby badgers, ultimately.

Relationships are something else again. And I think that's probably something that's going to take time to fix, whatever way it goes. (it's at this point that I want to give you hugs and hugs and hugs)

I think it'd just make me miserable about not being able to have kids of my own. And besides, I don't have any kind of childcare qualification, so I wouldn't be able to do it anyway.

I'm sure there's a way around the qualification thingie. But if it will make you more miserable, then it's not a good idea. But it's not that you *can't* have children, it's that you're choosing not to have them right now for very sensible reasons. That's muchly different.

(It's funny, nobody makes people get qualifications for looking after their own kids...)

Although sometimes I think they should....

I might take you up on it at some point, but as you know getting to London is quite stressy (and costly).

No no no! *I'm* the one with the transport stress. Do, if you think the being down here will compensate for the sstresses involved, do come. I promise to keep you away from Camden by force if needs be. ;)

I do try to improve tiny things, but it doesn't seem to make much difference, & I don't seem to have much energy for improving little things when I'm spending all my time stressing about the BIG HAIRY THINGS.

I'm not sure what I can do. Nothing, but throw you interweb huggles, really. And they're not so much good. I think if you fix a big thing, then everything else might get easier. But there are all these dependencies.... Gah! Hugs! Kittens! And you know where I live if you need to rant or talk or, anything.

That's no way to talk about the Sheep! :-P

But he's so cute when he's at my feet!