A few questions of etiquette

[j4]

How do you explain to somebody that other people get hurt too, when they appear to experience selfhood as an island of victimised perfection in a sea of irrelevance and stupidity?

Is it okay to break a confidence if somebody's only asking you to keep it secret so that they can carry on manipulating you while simultaneously preventing you from asking your friends for support?

How do you tell somebody politely "Please stop fucking up the lives of my friends"?

Comments

[reddragdiva]

"Is it okay to break a confidence if somebody's only asking you to keep it secret so that they can carry on manipulating you while simultaneously preventing you from asking your friends for support?"

Is this a question?

[j4.livejournal.com]

Are we playing Questions?

But seriously... It's obvious from the question what I believe the answer to be. But it's equally obvious IMO that the people who say "You mustn't tell anybody else what I've said" are relying on the fact that some people -- maybe even most people -- regard "secrets" and "confidences" as sacrosanct.

[karen2205]

FWIW, I'm with you. Secrets are not sacroscant. There are always times when it's right to breach someone's confidence - including when your trust has been broken.

[(Anonymous)]

1) Not your problem.
2) Absofuckinglutely.
3) Not politely.

[j4.livejournal.com]

1) Not your problem.

Well, not in the abstract, no; but it becomes my problem when the way they act (as a result of their self-absorption) affects me and mine. In general I'd rather educate than annihilate; I'd rather get people to understand what they're doing, and give them the opportunity to change. If they understand but then carry on regardless, then that's a different matter; then I may well attribute to malice what I could formerly put explain as stupidity.

3) Not politely.

Yeah, that'd be my feeling, too. The problem is, if you tell people something like that impolitely, they can then accuse you of victimising them.

Tricky, huh?

(Who are you, btw?)

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

1) short sharp shocks are the only way I've ever known work, and even they don't often do it.

2) yes, without a shadow of a doubt. Keeping confidences matters, but if people are using that in bad faith, the obligation to good faith on your behalf goes away.

3) is politeness really necessary here ?

[j4.livejournal.com]

1) Ah. So it's more or less a lost cause, then?

2) Thank you. I'm reassured to know that you agree with me. I trust your judgement on matters like this.

3. See response to Someone, above -- some degree of politeness is indicated for the sake of self-preservation.

On a more frivolous note, I love the user-icon. :)

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

1) Ah. So it's more or less a lost cause, then?

Not knowing the specific situation, I can't say. By comparison with most people I do seem to be rather optimistic on this.

2) Thank you. I'm reassured to know that you agree with me. I trust your judgement on matters like this.

My judgement on matters like this is way the heck situation-dependent; would be happy to take this to mail if it would be any use to you.

And thank you. *hug* For several reasons, not all of which are easy to fit in words and not all of which are suitable for posting, that thought is really good for me.

3. See response to Someone, above -- some degree of politeness is indicated for the sake of self-preservation.

Retaining the moral high ground, in that sense, is not always and necessarily compatible with either being right or getting a message across. Sometimes these are greater virtues. Again, situational.

On a more frivolous note, I love the user-icon.

Thought you might.

[ottah.livejournal.com]

How do you tell somebody politely "Please stop fucking up the lives of my friends"?
You added the "please" to the begining of the sentence!
But seriously, in this case, if it is what I think it is, there will be no right/polite way to do it. It's all a conspiracy dontcha know!