it wasn't me, it was my strange and creeping doubt

[j4]

Well, here's what I wrote earlier only to find that ntl: was down. Feeling a bit better since I wrote it, after an afternoon spent reading The Saint Plays With Fire, and then an exhausting karate lesson.

* * *

Went to the pub last night and spent most of the evening feeling guilty about not making it to Octaine. I hope dreamingchristi isn't too offended but I know it was just me being useless & I'm sorry. :-( The Kambar just seemed so far away and I couldn't face the bike-ride in the dark and the wind on my own, and it would have cost so much more money what with paying to get in and then paying a small fortune for any palatable drinks, and, and.

The rest of the time, I was just feeling guilty about how much I've hurt sion_a. It's horrible seeing him so upset all the time and not only not being able to do anything about it but knowing that it's all my fault he's so unhappy. I want to be there to hug him and look after him, because I do care about him a lot, but unsurprisingly that seems to just make things worse. He doesn't seem to know whether it does make things worse or not, though, so I don't really know what to do.

Today I have been mostly wandering round town in a state of slightly dazed existential angst, which I've tried to paper over with rampant consumerism. This rarely works, and today was no exception. I forgot to buy the new JobFinder, but finally got round to signing up as a volunteer for the Oxfam Bookshop. This, unfortunately, is likely to cost me money as I will end up buying books; but it's All In A Good Cause and won't do my CV any harm if I'm applying for work in the charities/NFP sector.

I bought some very cheap yellow Doc Martens. I'm trying to decide whether to paint them to look like BEES or just to buy purple laces for them. (Look, it's freshers' week, okay? There are lots of people being this predictably 'alternative', one more won't hurt. Athena should be selling out of Munch's The Cry and Dali's Birth of Narcissus right about now.)

Last night saw more weird dreams, about shoes and underwear and cinemas. My mum and I were looking at shoes and I was trying on some shoes with an enormous heel which looked like they were made of glass but they were actually some kind of perspex, and the heel was stripy, alternating between transparent and translucent perspex. I also tried on some black boots which were described as Chinese boots, and they were a size 4½ but very tight on me, and I remember thinking something about how it was because of foot-binding that Chinese shoes were smaller. I spent ages trying shoes on, and then when I came to get dressed again (I don't know why I'd had to get undressed to try shoes on) they were starting to close up the shop and all my clothes were all over the place and they'd all become really tiny so I couldn't find them easily, and my earrings had fallen on the floor somewhere.

The other bit of the dream that I remember was that I, hoiho, lnr, ewx, and sion_a were queueing up to get into a tiny cinema to see some weird arty film, and then hoiho had to go somewhere else so we said we'd save a seat for him, but when we got in there the seats were moveable and some lads were moving all the chairs and I tried to save a seat but another bloke picked up the chair, and I said "Excuse me, that's saved, look, there's a coat on it", and he just ignored me at first, and then he tried to say something to me and halfway through him speaking I turned to ewx and said "I'm just going to the loo, can you save this chair for me?" and the other bloke who was taking the chair away said "Hey, why did you do that?" and I said "Well, you didn't listen to me, so I didn't listen to you either." And he pointed at my head and said "Your hair dye's growing out", and I said "Is that the best insult you can think of?" and he said something rude, and then said "It looks like [something I can't remember]" and I said "looks like your mum's arse, more like". And then I went out of the cinema and went to look for hoiho, who still hadn't come back, but I couldn't find him, so I thought I better had go to the loo because that's where I'd said I was going, but the cubicles didn't lock properly and they were only half-doors anyway and I was trying to get out of my corset to go to the loo and I couldn't, and this girl from school [whose name I can't remember, though I think I knew it in the dream] was in the next cubicle, and I asked her to pass some loo paper over and she did, and I got into a conversation with her about smoking for some reason, I think because there was somebody smoking outside the cubicles, and ... I think I woke up not long after that, because I can't remember any more.

I feel detached from everything. Dreams and boots and guilt and everything. It all feels like the debris of someone else's life, rendered meaningless by time.

Comments

Long response (part I)

[j4.livejournal.com]

It's not fair, at this stage, to eat the New Relationship Cake whilst having the old cake in the cupboard,

Since I don't know who you are, I don't know how much you know about me and sion_a. It sounds from what you've said as though you may not be aware that we're both polyamorous, and we were both in other relationships while we were still going out (and are each still in those relationships now).

It also seems you may not be aware that we jointly own the house we live in. When we split up I offered to move out, and sion_a said he'd prefer me to stay and see if we could make things work as "friends and housemates". I happily agreed to that because I thought then (and still think now) that the process of selling the house and dividing up all our belongings would be too depressing to contemplate; and while he can manage the mortgage on his own, he said (note: his idea, not mine) that he'd be too lonely rattling around in a big house on his own.

ensuring your net access is secure and helping you worry about the car and so on. Of course you want to be friends, but you have to renegotiate a friendship on new terms which respect his new boundaries.

I do respect his boundaries. I've asked him what works best for him, and I'm happy to agree to anything (within reason!) that'll make things easier for him.

You can't take what he may or may not be offering for granted; he has to have the right to refuse to help you with things - he's not obliged to help you any more, your futures may or may not lie together now, your commitments are elsewhere.

Yes, I'm aware of all that. And I rather resent the suggestion that I'm taking him for granted; not to mention the suggestion that he's incapable of refusing my requests if I make them. Even while we were going out he wasn't obliged to help me with anything, and I wouldn't have assumed that he would. I try not to take my friends or partners for granted, and I hope that they'll always feel they can tell me if what I'm asking is out of order. (Yes, I've asked sion_a for help in the past and I'm extremely grateful to him for the things he has done and does do for me.)

Re: Long response (part I)

[sparrowsion]

he said (note: his idea, not mine) that he'd be too lonely rattling around in a big house on his own

Just in case anyone didn't catch that: I'd be terribly lonely rattling around this big house on my own. And I think I'd be terribly lonely and insecure going back to living on my own. And given that, I'd much rather have a housemate I've already been living with for three years and who actively cares for me. Not to mention co-owns the house.

If the domestic situation is difficult for me, that's my choice. j4 offered to leave; I could have made the logistically more sensible offer for me to leave. I rejected those alternatives, because this is what (under the circumstances) I want, what I consider is the best choice for me. That it works out quite well for j4 is also relevent, but is by no means the whole story.