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Nov. 3rd, 2003 09:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j4I usually dream about being late for work, but this time I dreamed about being late for school. And other garbage. In the dream I woke up late so I knew I was going to be a bit late for school, but somehow didn't manage to get in until 10:45. (That was the end of morning break at the High School.) When I got there I couldn't find my French textbook and I knew I hadn't done the work anyway, and I wondered about trying to do the work really quickly and be even later to the lesson, but I knew we also had Music later, and I hadn't done the work for that either, but in the end I found the French textbook in the back of my locker, and ... I don't know what I decided in the end, because the dream shifted.
In another bit of the dream I was trying to write a Perl script to do something handwavy with SGML records (so, just like every day at work, then, only it was a bit clearer in the dream). The computer I was using was a giant clunky thing with a green screen. I was typing the SGML records in by hand to start with [I have actually been keying in some stuff that I'm trying to webbify at home, so maybe that's where that came from] and every time I'd finished typing in a record, the computer would switch to Windows and some kind of pointy-clicky record-input software, and I had to keep asking the other person in the room (I've no idea who they were) how to switch back to DOS because I wanted to be able to write bits of Perl at the same time. I wish I could remember the Perl -- I didn't seem to be having any trouble with multiple hashes, just with this bizarre Windows/DOS problem.
Then I dreamed that I was trying to organise some sort of school concert, or show-type-thing, and I was trying to find some music that was suitable for everybody but the only piece I could find that might do was a huge ornamental copy of the score, with folded-over pieces of tissue paper in lots of different colours, which I'd done for some Art project and now couldn't remember how it was all supposed to fold up; and then I was trying to play in a string quartet but I couldn't find my bow, and I found it just in time but the other three members of the quartet were all clustered really tightly round one music stand and I couldn't see the music, and one of them said "We're never this crowded when we play around the piano", and I suggested they spread out a bit around the stand, but they weren't listening. Then some of the other people taking part in the concert-type-thing started bringing food and stuff and putting it on the stage, weird arrangements of food, like eggs-and-bacon in a mug (that's the only one I can remember, but they were all weird), and I realised it was some kind of Harvest Festival or something, so I started trying to co-ordinate where people were putting their food as well, but they kept just putting things down any-old-how, and I wanted it to look purposeful, but I couldn't keep track of all the food that was coming in.
The only other bit I remember is that I was in bed with somebody and he was doing all sorts of silly things with bits of coloured string which were supposed to be fun, and he kept making silly jokes, and I was saying "Can't we just cuddle or something?" and "Can you stop being so silly please?" because I was feeling miserable and not in the mood for silliness, and every time he'd say "Yes, of course" and then do "just one more" silly thing, and I was crying because he wasn't taking any notice of what I wanted, and I think I woke up round about then.
So anyway, I went to sleep with a headache, probably a result of spending most of the evening crying and the rest of the evening arguing with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sion_a; and I woke up still with a headache, and now I'm in work with a headache, and achieving approximately nothing except updating this journal.
In another bit of the dream I was trying to write a Perl script to do something handwavy with SGML records (so, just like every day at work, then, only it was a bit clearer in the dream). The computer I was using was a giant clunky thing with a green screen. I was typing the SGML records in by hand to start with [I have actually been keying in some stuff that I'm trying to webbify at home, so maybe that's where that came from] and every time I'd finished typing in a record, the computer would switch to Windows and some kind of pointy-clicky record-input software, and I had to keep asking the other person in the room (I've no idea who they were) how to switch back to DOS because I wanted to be able to write bits of Perl at the same time. I wish I could remember the Perl -- I didn't seem to be having any trouble with multiple hashes, just with this bizarre Windows/DOS problem.
Then I dreamed that I was trying to organise some sort of school concert, or show-type-thing, and I was trying to find some music that was suitable for everybody but the only piece I could find that might do was a huge ornamental copy of the score, with folded-over pieces of tissue paper in lots of different colours, which I'd done for some Art project and now couldn't remember how it was all supposed to fold up; and then I was trying to play in a string quartet but I couldn't find my bow, and I found it just in time but the other three members of the quartet were all clustered really tightly round one music stand and I couldn't see the music, and one of them said "We're never this crowded when we play around the piano", and I suggested they spread out a bit around the stand, but they weren't listening. Then some of the other people taking part in the concert-type-thing started bringing food and stuff and putting it on the stage, weird arrangements of food, like eggs-and-bacon in a mug (that's the only one I can remember, but they were all weird), and I realised it was some kind of Harvest Festival or something, so I started trying to co-ordinate where people were putting their food as well, but they kept just putting things down any-old-how, and I wanted it to look purposeful, but I couldn't keep track of all the food that was coming in.
The only other bit I remember is that I was in bed with somebody and he was doing all sorts of silly things with bits of coloured string which were supposed to be fun, and he kept making silly jokes, and I was saying "Can't we just cuddle or something?" and "Can you stop being so silly please?" because I was feeling miserable and not in the mood for silliness, and every time he'd say "Yes, of course" and then do "just one more" silly thing, and I was crying because he wasn't taking any notice of what I wanted, and I think I woke up round about then.
So anyway, I went to sleep with a headache, probably a result of spending most of the evening crying and the rest of the evening arguing with
sion_a; and I woke up still with a headache, and now I'm in work with a headache, and achieving approximately nothing except updating this journal.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: Not on immediate topic
Date: 2003-11-03 07:04 am (UTC)I think I could much easier face a commute to London (45 minutes, direct) than to Sudbury (about 2 hours, 2 changes)! Commuting by car outside Cambridge isn't really an option for me at the moment, with a car that's a wee bit unreliable and has a top speed of 50mph...
It's a shame, though; it sounds like a good job. I'm surprised to see an assistant shop manager job that doesn't ask for retail experience, though (and working for Oxfam over the last few weeks is the first time I've worked in a shop, so I don't really have much retail experience).
If you and your Best Beau want to have kids then you will. If you don't have them then you and he together didn't want them as much as you thought you did.
We-ell... yes and no. There are quite a lot of complications in our situation at the moment; and I don't think wanting a thing -- however much you want it -- is a good reason to screw over the lives of one's dependents to get it.
There is NO "right" time to have a child: there is always a reason not to.
Very true. Though I think some times are wronger than others. And a time when neither of us has a stable job and we don't live in the same city is a Very Wrong Time.
Men are usually more reluctant to sit down and work out what fatherhood and family planning actually means;
Tee hee... he's already got 2 kids (aged 7 and 5), and I don't think he's under any illusions about what fatherhood and family planning means. (And I don't think he's any longer under any illusions about what marriage means, and what it doesn't mean...) Which is where the complications arise -- he's already got commitments to his existing kids, and by extension some level of commitment to their mother (even if only giving her money).
like "how old a father do I want to be?"
He's nearly 40 now.
"what am I prepared to give up, actually, and for how long?"
Well, he's not prepared to give up the kids he's already got, and to be honest I'd be horrified if he was prepared to do that. See, if he'd do that then he wouldn't be the man I want to raise kids with, but since he can't do that, then he might not be able to raise kids with me. If you see what I mean. (At least, not until his existing kids are grown up. Which is a LONG time to wait, though I'd be prepared to wait it if that's what it took.)
Practical: [...]
Good point. I hadn't thought of the maternity pay issue. Thank you! (And that's yet another way in which my current freelance work is getting me nowhere, of course...)
Either your Chosen Person will get on the stick or else he won't.
Well, like I said, a lot of it's outside his control; he's not really in a position to make firm decisions, as without a job he's not in a financially stable enough position to make decisive moves away from the kids' mother and still do right by the kids. Which is why he's with them at the moment rather than spending the kids' shoe-money to stay in Cambridge with me. If ... no, when he gets a job in Cambridge, then we'll see what happens. I can't pressure him to make decisions at the moment; it wouldn't achieve anything except to make us both more stressed.
I guess all I can do for the time being is try to get myself sorted out so that I can be a better girlfriend for him. And maybe, hopefully, one day, a better mother for our kids. <sigh>