j4 | One of these days I'm going to pull myself together

Okay, well, it was the right decision from a "me" point of view not to go to

angua and

ejde's party, though I still feel guilty about not going. :-( But I've been feeling queasy and twitchy and weepy and badly headachey for most of the evening, and I really don't think I'd have felt any better if I'd tried to be sociable. I think I'd have just ended up yelling at people and storming out and then feeling even worse (not to mention spoiling the party for everybody else).

To be honest I feel like I'm on the verge of just screaming at everybody and generally having a full-scale temper tantrum until somebody comes and picks me up and says apologetically "She's not normally like this, she's just over-tired" and carts me off to bed.

* * *

Pub last night was ... mixed.

On the one hand it was good to see people, especially to have long rambly conversations and hugs and stuff with

timeplease. Also, I had a chat with Terri and Jethro about bar work at the Carlton & it sounds like I might be able to get some work there -- which would be good from the point of view of Having More Money, though possibly bad from the point of view of Having No Free Time. (Mind you, if I don't have free time, I can't spend the money, which is probably A Good Thing.)

On the other hand, I was feeling quite twitchy for most of the evening, and didn't really feel like I was part of the conversation very much. And I really could have done without trying to talk to

meirion, who was (as usual) mortally offended when I dared to suggest that perhaps suicide wasn't her best option ... and then even more offended when I dared to agree with her that ultimately it was her own choice. Some days you just can't win... but then, the only winning move, etc. etc.

* * *

Tired now. Bedtime. Wish I could just stay in bed tomorrow until I feel ready to get up, but

sion_a's parents are here so I can't really. :-/

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Can I recommend a nice calming cup of tea, some toast, & taking yourself off to bed? Possibly with some form of trashy novel, though I'm aware that trashy novels don't work for everyone :-)

(I'd recommend knitting, which I always find remarkably soothing, but I don't think you knit.)

Sounds like you need a good, lasting "someone to FUCKING VENT AT".

Those people are great. I just want to get the factory to crank up the output.

I like being vented at, bizarrely. It's strangely therapeutic to feel I'm not the only person who thinks the world is fucked-up and arbitrary, and I like helping people feel better...

perhaps we should just agree never to speak to each other? since you always misrepresent what i say in such a fashion that i feel like disagreeing with you would be worse than letting things pass, but it fails entirely to accord with my belief of matters.

and if you think that was my being mortally offended ...

-m-

perhaps we should just agree never to speak to each other?

What an excellent suggestion.

there is of course the slight matter of that making things even more awkward then they already are for those people who for some unaccountable reason appear not to mind the company of either of us. but i suppose there are enough schisms already that what's one more amongst "friends"?

-m-

there is of course the slight matter of that making things even more awkward then they already are for those people who for some unaccountable reason appear not to mind the company of either of us.

I'm not going to play primary-school I'm-not-talking-to-YOU games, but I hardly think it would be terribly awkward for us to avoid getting into conversations with each other. I've been trying to avoid getting into anything beyond "nice-weather-lately" conversations with you for quite some time now, and it doesn't seem to have had adverse effects for anybody; I'll just have to make a little more effort in that direction.

but i suppose there are enough schisms already that what's one more amongst "friends"?

We're not friends, and we have so few mutual friends (there are people who talk to both of us in passing, but that's not quite the same thing) that I hardly think it's going to cause a "schism". If you want to make a melodrama out of a molehill then I can't stop you, but it's nothing to do with me.

I don't have anything else to say to you.

we have so few mutual friends (there are people who talk to both of us in passing, but that's not quite the same thing)

i think that that is quite untrue; but if i have to construct a poll to find out whether people i consider as friends actually merely consider me as someone they talk to in passing, so be it.

-m-

if i have to construct a poll to find out whether people i consider as friends actually merely consider me as someone they talk to in passing [...]

... then it's nothing whatsoever to do with me. I honestly don't care if those people are your friends or not. That's between you and them. Don't you get it? I'M NOT INTERESTED.

Let's try again: I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY TO YOU. I don't think I can make it much clearer than that.

it is something to do with you inasmuch as our paths may necessarily cross, and thus it may make things awkward for people who are friends with both of us.

and if you had nothing else to say why bother saying anything at all? (that you have nothing else to say to me does not mean that i have nothing else to say to you.)

-m-

it may make things awkward for people who are friends with both of us

Well, I don't know about your friends, but I think my friends are mature enough to be able to cope with the fact that one of their friends doesn't get on with one of their other friends. And if people stop liking me just because I'm not friends with you, then frankly I don't really want to be friends with them.

I don't intend to pick fights with you, I don't intend to try to make things awkward in social situations; I just don't want to have conversations with you. Is that so difficult for you to understand? I manage to avoid having conversations with plenty of other people who I dislike or who just don't interest me without it creating social tension.

(that you have nothing else to say to me does not mean that i have nothing else to say to you.)

Look, what the fuck do you want from me? I don't want to be friends with you. I'm not interested in talking to you, I'm not interested in what you have to say. Right now I'm only bothering to continue with this so-called conversation at all because you seem to be completely unable to just LEAVE ME ALONE, so I'm trying to find a way of getting the message through to you that I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANY MORE TO DO WITH YOU THAN I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

I really don't know how to make it any clearer than this.

You do both seem to just be ending up feeling worse about the whole thing by carrying on trying to talk about it. I for one won't find any problem in the two of you agreeing to avoid trying to converse. Or be any less friends for it either.

I hate to see you both hurting each other, as much as you both think it's the other being unreasonable it's clear you are both hurt, and carrying on arguing about it is just going to make that worse.

See comment below.

One of these days I'm going to pull myself together

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