Study in blue

[j4]

Seeing hoiho's enthusiasm for his PhD application, and reading marnameow's post about wanting to study again, is really bringing home to me how much I miss studying. I originally wanted to do postgrad work in English, but my tutors talked me out of it (on the grounds that people only stood a chance of getting funding if they got a First, and they didn't think I should count on getting one); so I left, and got a job, and now I'm still in that job, and I feel as though I've achieved precisely nothing in the 3+ years I've been doing it.

The problem is, I don't think I'd know how to study any more. And I certainly wouldn't know how to begin writing about my "current research interests" as I'd have to do if I wanted to apply to do postgrad study -- basically, looking at the application forms and requirements, I need to be doing research in order to start doing research. Which means I should be doing it in my spare time while I'm working ... and I simply don't have the energy. Which, of course, means I'm not capable of doing postgrad study anyway: if I can't make the time/energy to study now, there's no way I could do a postgraduate degree.

I have so many ideas for things I want to write about, but I no longer seem to be able to put them into words. And if I do try to put them into words, the ideas seem to shrink and shrink until they're the kind of ideas that 14-year-olds would scorn to bother with for GCSE coursework.

I wish I could just make myself accept the fact that I'm not an intellectual, and never will be. Yes, I was passable at my schoolwork; that doesn't mean I can compete with adults. ... I wish I could stop thinking altogether.

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

"Most".

(I'm flattered if you think otherwise, but I feel you're in a minority.)

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Yopu might want to add one more name to the list of that minority.

[j4.livejournal.com]

While it's nice that you and hoiho think differently, it doesn't really change the general feeling. The way I feel hopelessly inadequate at work, and in normal adult social interactions; the way I feel like I just don't know how to live as an adult. It's different with friends; they understand, or at least are sympathetic; I can tell friends things like "I still get lost in Cambridge after 3 years", and "I don't understand pensions/mortgages/shares/etc.", and "I completely go to pieces in interviews because I have such trouble remembering what part I'm supposed to be playing and what's okay to say and what I'm supposed to lie about", and "I feel physically sick when I have to fill in official forms, because I don't understand them and I never know what the right answer is". My friends don't usually look at me like I'm a freak when I say stuff like that. I can only assume that they see something likeable in me despite the fact that I'm incompetent and immature. :-/

[angua.livejournal.com]

All the things you just listed as things you can tell your friends are things that happen to me/I do as well...

I don't think they make either of us less grown up. I have a sneaky suspicion that people who claim to be competent in all things are the ones who are generally fucking it up big style.

[taimatsu]

I get lost everywhere I've lived; in Wimbledon, in Oxford, in Reading. I carried a map constantly when I lived in Oxford, and used it, too.

When it comes to your mental list of 'things adults do' I think most people have some problems with some things on the list. Some people just hide it better. Sure, there are people who manage wonderfully and act totally grown-up all the time. They're, IME, usually a good 20 years older than you are, and have natural talents for things like organisation and self-presentation. People nearer our age are, I think, highly likely to feel like you do.

I want to say that you don't have to be an adult, you just have to be you, but I know that's not helpful because the problem is partly with your perception of yourself and your capabilities, and partly with other people's expectations which you feel you can't meet.

I'm struggling with this myself at the moment. I just had my probation review at work, and they are extending the probationary period to 6 months instead of 3, because my timekeeping and aspects of my organisational skills aren't satisfactory. I felt like shit this afternoon about this, but my managers were pleasant and helpful about it and I am feeling a bit better now. But it does make me feel a bit like a failed adult. Like, people keep telling me I'm over-qualified for what I'm doing, and I can't even get *this* right. I'll be fine, I have till May to sort it, and then I either get the fantastic birthday present of a confirmed job, or the, er, other thing.

Sorry, didn't mean to get gloomy at you. Don't think I've said much useful either. But I'm in that there minority too, you know.