Another year over

[j4]

I suppose it's about time I wrote something here.

I spent Christmas at home with just my parents and my sister, as usual. I can't think of many better ways to spend Christmas -- it seems to be dreadfully unfashionable to say this these days but I actually love my immediate family very much, and enjoy spending time with them.

Thank you to addedentry, lnr, ewx, ejde, angua and rejs for Christmas presents; thank you to everybody who sent cards, especially rysmiel and jiggery_pokery. I'm sorry I was utterly hopeless with Christmas cards; I feel as though Christmas crept up on me and hit me from behind.

I got back to Cambridge on New Year's Eve, and worked in the Carlton from 8-11pm. I've never seen the pub so busy; I barely had time to breathe for the first 2 hours. My party clothes (black velvet dress, purple corset, purple tights, New Rock boots) were ... appreciated. (There were lots of Rocky Horror related comments. Some of the regulars ran a sweepstake on what bra size I took.) The guitarist in the lounge bar was dreadful.

After finishing at the pub I then went to Relativity's New Year party. I changed into my 15" platform boots, kindly taken round to GR for me by sion_a. I have very few opportunities to wear them. It was a pretty good party, all things considered; only one or two 'down' points and I don't see much point in going into them here. The fireworks were pretty, and could be seen from inside without venturing out into the rain. There was an entertaining game of "I have never" at some time in the small hours of the morning. sion_a and I didn't get home till gone 6am.

I've been inordinately lazy for the last two days, spending most of the day lying in bed reading Agatha Christie novels. Today I had the bizarre experience of reading The Mysterious Affair at Styles while "Dead Man's Folly" was on TV in the background (sion_a was watching it). Had to get up today to work at the Carlton again this evening, though, and I'm supposed to be working at Oxfam tomorrow morning (which will mean getting into town for 9am).

* * *

I've more or less avoided email, LJ and news from Christmas until now -- I needed a break from being constantly 'on call'. I don't have very much in the way of emotional energy at the moment. Or, to be perfectly honest, any other kind of energy.

* * *

I've tried a few times to write a kind of roundup of 2003, and every time I've tried I've ended up in tears and unable to write anything useful. I will try again some time. I'll also post New Year's resolutions when I feel able to do so. To be honest though at the moment I don't feel that I have enough control over my life to be able to resolve anything more specific than continuing to breathe.

I hope 2004 will be better, for everyone.

Comments

[k425.livejournal.com]

It didn't happen for me for a long time, so please don't lose hope yet!

[j4.livejournal.com]

But ... oh, you know.
I felt more hopeful about things last night, but now I feel all hopeless again. :-(

I still don't feel I can talk about it on LJ, either. I've got so used to the fact that anything to do with me and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named is a Forbidden Subject, that I wouldn't know where to start now. And it's even worse in real life. Most of my friends don't have a clue what's going on, and I suspect they don't want to know. They certainly never ask, and if I tell them anything they mostly just look sideways and try to change the subject.

Talking of families, though, the GP nurse gave me a lecture on Family Planning when I went to pick up my prescription for the Pill. Because I admitted that I'd forgotten to take the Pill once or twice in the past, and she asked me if I knew what to do if I missed one, and I gave her the textbook answer, and then she told me off anyway, and told me all the stuff I'd just told her I knew. And I said that I was being careful, because this would be a bad time to get pregnant, and she looked down her nose at me and said very carefully (as if talking to somebody a bit hard-of-thinking) "Well, of course. It's family planning, isn't it. You have to sit down and plan having a baby." I said, "Well, yes and no," and she ignored me and started on about something else.

I did think about pointing out to her that it's actually very difficult for a mummy and a daddy to have a Very Special Cuddle when they're 400 miles apart, but I didn't think she'd have understood something as subtle as that.

[k425.livejournal.com]

I can understand about not talking about stuff. I was limited in who I could talk to about Bloke.

And I'd give the nurse the benefit of the doubt - not as an ex-nurse but as a woman who if asked who have been able to say exactly what to do in the event of forgetting to take a pill, and yet forgot when I did forget, iyswim!

[j4.livejournal.com]

I can understand about not talking about stuff. I was limited in who I could talk to about Bloke.

Basically the only person I can talk to in any detail about me-and-him is him. (Well, and me, but talking to myself doesn't help much!) Which makes the whole thing very inward-looking, if you see what I mean. I do talk to my mum about stuff occasionally, but that's really just talking to myself with sympathetic sound-effects. (Or, usually, crying down the phone and getting sympathetic noises in response.) I mean, I really do appreciate her listening but obviously there's not much she can say. And I don't think (based on past experience) that she'd tell me outright if she thought I was doing the wrong thing; though I think I'd know anyway if that was what she thought.

I guess the problem is that there's nothing anybody can say, really. <sigh>

The fact that it did work out for you and Bloke is a big encouragement to me, though. (I hope you don't mind me saying that.)

[k425.livejournal.com]

Of course I don't mind! And I do hope things work out for you.