You can only go so far in your mind

[j4]

Appointment with counsellor last night wasn't as bad as I'd expected in one sense, but was worse in another.

The woman I saw was easy to talk to, laughed at my jokes, commented on the BiCon t-shirt I was wearing as a lead-in to some questions about why I was depressed at school, was totally unfazed by poly stuff, seemed to be asking helpful questions. "This might actually be useful," I thought to myself. Then at the end of the session she told me that I needed more counselling (more sessions, more experienced person) than she or the practice in general could give. And that the only way I could get that would be to go private. :-(

So I've got a list of phone numbers for counselling services, good wishes and good luck from Imogen ... and no idea how I'm going to afford >=£35/week for something that I can't convince myself I really need. I think it might be helpful, but, well, a) it's never been that helpful in the past, and b) I haven't been having counselling for the past 3 years, and I haven't died, so it can't exactly be essential.

Of course, if I didn't spend money on stupid stuff like going to the pub and buying CDs and books (okay, and shoes, and swords) then I'd probably be able to afford it. ... Although then I'd feel like I ought to be paying that money into the mortgage/bills/house repairs etc. rather than paying somebody to teach me how to do stuff that by now I should be able to do anyway. <sigh>

Comments

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

*quickly reads your LJ to date to check some things*

This might be a really bad suggestion for a lot of different reasons and I don't know your situation in detail but this is a situation where my first thought would be my parents.

I am 99% convinced that 99% of parents only want the best for their children and if this is a way where your parents could do something to directly invest in your happiness, your state of mind, your satisfaction with life then I am 99% convinced that they think it would be money well spent.

This is horribly difficult just to think about (there are all sorts of "defeat"/"shame" issues involved, some of which I'm going through myself at the moment...) but please think about it seriously.

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

I have been thinking about this some more and can only see the downsides here - specifically, how you explain that you would like money for free to talk to someone when you can't say the same things to them for love nor money. But, you know, still somehow I think they would be likely to help out.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I could ask my parents, and they probably would agree to pay ... but:

• I'd feel like I was even more of a failure as an adult if I couldn't even manage to pay for myself, and still had to run to my parents every time things got tricky


• I'm earning more than my mum (though my dad's earning more than sion_a, so I guess it balances out) so I always feel guilty taking her money, because if I don't have enough left over it suggests that I just have crap money management (which is true)


• It would feel like I was going to them and saying "You failed to bring me up as a normal adult, please pay to put this right". It feels kind of like I'm asking for a refund.

I am 99% convinced that 99% of parents only want the best for their children

That's optimistic...

and if this is a way where your parents could do something to directly invest in your happiness, your state of mind, your satisfaction with life then I am 99% convinced that they think it would be money well spent.

But my parents have already spent 22 years investing in my happiness, my state of mind, my satisfaction with life! They paid for my education, they paid my bills at university, they paid most of my rent when I lived out, they even carried on paying two lots of rent when I moved back into college after getting chucked out of the houseshare I was in and the remaining housemates couldn't find anybody to replace me so we effectively had to keep paying rent on their washing-room. They drove me to and from Oxford every term so I could take lots of books and silly clothes with me. They came and picked me up and looked after me when I needed it. They sent me funny stuff in the post to make me smile. I don't mean to make it sound like they were coddling me all the way through Oxford, but they were there for me, they didn't judge, they didn't say "I told you so" when I screwed up, they just looked out for me and helped when they could.

Basically I feel like they've already given me so much that now I'm supposedly "grown up" I should be trying to stand on my own two feet a bit more convincingly. :-/

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

Good points all. Thank you for thinking about the premise and I hope that it didn't cause distress. :-)

Please keep talking if you think it'll help.