You can only go so far in your mind

[j4]

Appointment with counsellor last night wasn't as bad as I'd expected in one sense, but was worse in another.

The woman I saw was easy to talk to, laughed at my jokes, commented on the BiCon t-shirt I was wearing as a lead-in to some questions about why I was depressed at school, was totally unfazed by poly stuff, seemed to be asking helpful questions. "This might actually be useful," I thought to myself. Then at the end of the session she told me that I needed more counselling (more sessions, more experienced person) than she or the practice in general could give. And that the only way I could get that would be to go private. :-(

So I've got a list of phone numbers for counselling services, good wishes and good luck from Imogen ... and no idea how I'm going to afford >=£35/week for something that I can't convince myself I really need. I think it might be helpful, but, well, a) it's never been that helpful in the past, and b) I haven't been having counselling for the past 3 years, and I haven't died, so it can't exactly be essential.

Of course, if I didn't spend money on stupid stuff like going to the pub and buying CDs and books (okay, and shoes, and swords) then I'd probably be able to afford it. ... Although then I'd feel like I ought to be paying that money into the mortgage/bills/house repairs etc. rather than paying somebody to teach me how to do stuff that by now I should be able to do anyway. <sigh>

Comments

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

Jan.. well, first off, *HUGS*.

Secondly, professional conselling is just as big an investment in your future as a mortgage or house repairs. If you become a happier, less fragile, more confident person, it'll have all sorts of positive effects on your life - it could make it possible for you make a far larger contribution to joint stuff in the long term than you're doing now, and that to me is worth a hell of a lot for the sake of a year or so of being a bit tight for cash. I'm sure Sion will understand that too. I'm starting to see a few results from seeing Marina already, and god, it makes life nicer.

As for it being 'paying someone to teach you something you should already know' - that's low self-esteem talking. You deserve to be shinier, healthier and happier than you are; don't sabotage a chance to change your life for the better, and don't give up hope because there's one more hurdle in the way. It sounds like this woman knew what she was talking about and understood your needs well enough to give you some sound advice - so take her up on it.

As for the money.. well. From the week after next I'm going to be trying to find enough to pay for 35 a session *twice a week*. I think that's going to put a serious crimp in my beer-and-clothes money, but looking at the contrast between the way I've been feeling while Marina's been off on holiday and the way I feel when she's around to talk to, it'll be worth every penny.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Secondly, professional conselling is just as big an investment in your future as a mortgage or house repairs.

True, I guess, but it just feels so selfish to be spending money on myself for something that's just for me, something that sion_a manages just fine without, when he's spent >200K on a house for us to live in and I'm barely paying a reasonable amount of rent to live there.

If you become a happier, less fragile, more confident person, it'll have all sorts of positive effects on your life - it could make it possible for you make a far larger contribution to joint stuff in the long term than you're doing now,

At the risk of stating the obvious: me being a happier, more confident person is still not going to turn me into a software engineer capable of earning 40K a year...

and that to me is worth a hell of a lot for the sake of a year or so of being a bit tight for cash. I'm sure Sion will understand that too.

But I'm already a bit tight for cash. I can't ask him to pay for any greater a share of things than he already does. :-(

As for the money.. well. From the week after next I'm going to be trying to find enough to pay for 35 a session *twice a week*.

But you're earning twice as much as I am! And you're not already paying HALF YOUR SALARY into mortgage/bills/council tax! And you probably don't have nearly an entire month's salary in credit card debt! :-(

Basically I see what you're trying to say, and I agree in principle, but the best of principles simply don't translate into actual money in my actual bank account...

[ex-lark-asc.livejournal.com]

True, I guess, but it just feels so selfish to be spending money on myself for something that's just for me, something that sion_a manages just fine without, when he's spent >200K on a house for us to live in and I'm barely paying a reasonable amount of rent to live there.

*more hugs* Different people contribute different things to any situation. I've often heard you talk about ways in which you wish you could support Sion emotionally that you don't feel you're capable of at the moment; I really do think counselling would help you become better at doing that kind of thing in general.

At the risk of stating the obvious: me being a happier, more confident person is still not going to turn me into a software engineer capable of earning 40K a year...

No, it won't. But it might, for example, give you enough bounce to spot things in your current job which you could fairly quickly learn to do, expand your abilities, make your work more interesting and thereby make it fairly obvious to the management that you need a promotion. Or perhaps it would give you the confidence to quit your job, apply for an EPSRC grant and take a course in programming, which because of your new-found confidence would be fun and exciting rather than a trauma. Do you see what I mean?

But you're earning twice as much as I am! And you're not already paying HALF YOUR SALARY into mortgage/bills/council tax! And you probably don't have nearly an entire month's salary in credit card debt! :-(

I'm not certain I'm quite that much richer than you..! I'm not going to quote amounts, but I'm earning about 1.2 times as much as you, IIRC; I have an overdraft which is two or three hundred over what I earn in a month and which I'm trying to pay off at 100 a month; I run a car, which saw off 300 quid in insurance a couple of weeks ago, then there's rent, food, credit accounts (three of them), bills and so on - and anyway, without going into all the gory details, when I run up a budget spreadsheet, all my outgoings combined with buying food and paying my therapist for two sessions a week work out to almost exactly what I can afford, leaving no money spare for booze, clothes, outings and so on.

You have a slight advantage over me in that you're sharing food and similar expenses, whereas I live on my own and am solely responsible for those; I only share utility bills. I really don't think it's by any means financially impossible for someone earning your sort of money to afford-counselling-at-all; I mean, I'm in a different situation really, I'm going to have to sharply readjust my own expectations of the Gratuitous Lifestyle I can afford in order to pay for mine, but then I'll not only be having a large amount of it, but I also have high expectations of what I can afford to start with. Some counsellors operate variable rates depending on what clients can afford, also; it might be worth asking about that. And I've also come across at least one psychoanalyst who only charges 28 or so a session rather than 35.

Would it help if I forwarded you a copy of my monthly working-out-budget spreadsheet? I find having the definite hard facts makes it less stressful to think about these things.

[j4.livejournal.com]

Different people contribute different things to any situation. I've often heard you talk about ways in which you wish you could support Sion emotionally that you don't feel you're capable of at the moment; I really do think counselling would help you become better at doing that kind of thing in general.

Possibly. On the other hand, I don't feel like my emotional contributions really count for much anyway...

I'm not certain I'm quite that much richer than you..! I'm not going to quote amounts, but I'm earning about 1.2 times as much as you, IIRC

I remembered it being more than that... Oh well. I don't mind quoting amounts, and I'm on £16,750 a year. Which is certainly quite enough to live on, and not be hopelessly poverty-stricken, but it's not enough to be well-off on. When you count in the fact that I'm permanently overdrawn (£1500 overdraft limit of which first £500 is interest-free, but I'm usually well over £500 overdrawn) and never have enough money to actually pay all the overdraft off, and I have about £800 in credit-card debt, I just feel like I'm never actually going to earn enough money to pay off the debts, only stop them from getting to the point where the bailiffs are beating at my door.

I think part of the problem is that I feel like since I'm never going to get rid of the debts I might as well enjoy the short-term spending, since denying myself that doesn't seem to make any significant difference to my finances. (It's sort of like dieting -- if you cut out all the cream cakes and everything and still put on weight, you start to think that it's not worth giving up the cream cakes, since they make you happy and giving them up doesn't seem to do any good.)

You have a slight advantage over me in that you're sharing food and similar expenses, whereas I live on my own and am solely responsible for those; I only share utility bills.

So you never eat with mobbsy or ewx? Neither of them ever cook for you? ... You're presumably sharing some food expenses even if you're not explicitly "shopping for two". Plus, our utility bills are almost certain to be a lot bigger than yours, because our house is enormous. (Our last gas bill nearly made sion_a cry.)

I really don't think it's by any means financially impossible for someone earning your sort of money to afford-counselling-at-all

No, it's not financially impossible. It's just a significant added strain in an area that I already have a lot of hangups and stress about, to pay for something which I have no guarantee will benefit me at all. I've already had a lot of experience of unhelpful counselling, and while I'm prepared to give it another go, I'm not sure I'm prepared to invest that much money in something which may just end up being useless.

Can nobody understand why this might look like a really bad deal from my point of view?

Would it help if I forwarded you a copy of my monthly working-out-budget spreadsheet? I find having the definite hard facts makes it less stressful to think about these things.

Um, thank you for the offer, but I doubt if it would help. Having the definite hard facts (in the form of bank statements and credit card bills and utility bills) tends just to make me feel physically sick. :-(