You can only go so far in your mind

[j4]

Appointment with counsellor last night wasn't as bad as I'd expected in one sense, but was worse in another.

The woman I saw was easy to talk to, laughed at my jokes, commented on the BiCon t-shirt I was wearing as a lead-in to some questions about why I was depressed at school, was totally unfazed by poly stuff, seemed to be asking helpful questions. "This might actually be useful," I thought to myself. Then at the end of the session she told me that I needed more counselling (more sessions, more experienced person) than she or the practice in general could give. And that the only way I could get that would be to go private. :-(

So I've got a list of phone numbers for counselling services, good wishes and good luck from Imogen ... and no idea how I'm going to afford >=£35/week for something that I can't convince myself I really need. I think it might be helpful, but, well, a) it's never been that helpful in the past, and b) I haven't been having counselling for the past 3 years, and I haven't died, so it can't exactly be essential.

Of course, if I didn't spend money on stupid stuff like going to the pub and buying CDs and books (okay, and shoes, and swords) then I'd probably be able to afford it. ... Although then I'd feel like I ought to be paying that money into the mortgage/bills/house repairs etc. rather than paying somebody to teach me how to do stuff that by now I should be able to do anyway. <sigh>

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

I think you know my attitude to the cost associated with this. That, I hope, is not the issue here.

Er, I'm not sure I know what you mean. The cost is a real issue for me.

Putting that aside for a moment, do you need this?

I don't know. That's part of the problem -- is it worth scraping together money I can ill afford for something which I don't even know will be helpful?

I think you need to do something --- and talking things through, calmly and in private, with someone remote from your life can be a good way to feel better. It isn't the only way, true, but the alternative is making time to do this with people closer to home, be that friends, family, or partners.

But I already do talk about things with partners, friends, and family; and have been doing so for years. It's a completely different thing. Counselling isn't (or shouldn't be) just having a chat with somebody who doesn't happen to be involved with your life -- a good counsellor will have an idea what questions to ask to direct the conversation, to guide the thinking-through of the problems. I'm not saying friends can't do this, but they're much less likely to be doing it systematically. They're also much less likely to be able to push one as far in one's thinking-through, as they'll be a lot more worried about causing offence, ruining the friendship, overstepping the mark, etc.

You know that I feel that counselling helped me. That said, that was one counsellor, and at a time in my life where I had no other form of emotional support available to me.

Have you considered going back to counselling? Other forms of emotional support are a good thing to have, but as I say, counselling isn't just about having a shoulder to lean on when you have problems, it's about trying to help you to solve the problems. And that's something that I, with the best will in the world, can't really do for you. :-/

[daneel-olivaw.livejournal.com]

The cost is a real issue for me.

My opinion is, if it something that might help, then the money should be found. Given my understanding of your relationship with your parents, I would suggest your first port of call should be to ask them. If it came to it, I'd pay for it.

Counselling isn't (or shouldn't be) just having a chat with somebody...

I agree. When I re-read my earlier comment last night, I realised that it could be interpreted as me being anti-counselling. I'm not. I think that it has a real chance of helping you. It isn't going to be a universal cure-all, it will take time, and there are no guarantees. However, it is also only going to stand a chance if you are willing to give it an opportunity to work, and having realistic expectations is important too.

Have you considered going back to counselling?

If my counsellor hadn't moved away, I wouldn't have ended it when I did. There have been times in the last 7 months where I've wanted to talk something through with Caron (bi-curiousity is a good example here). We'd got through about 80% of "stuff", I feel; and that ain't bad. I feel like I've continued to improve over the last several months under my own steam [anyone is most welcome to disagree at this point, and I'll listen, and reconsider if appropriate], and so am not planning on seeking someone else just at the moment. That said, the minute I feel like I'm regressing then I'll find someone pronto.

And [helping you to solve your problems] something that I, with the best will in the world, can't really do for you.

I don't expect you to. It helps for you to listen, it helps for you to *hug* me, it helps for you to let me cry on your shoulder. But the solutions come from within, as an amalgamation of my ideas and multiple others' comments, opinions and suggestions. It's more like you are a catalyst --- I don't need or expect you to be an oracle.

[j4.livejournal.com]

My opinion is, if it something that might help, then the money should be found. Given my understanding of your relationship with your parents, I would suggest your first port of call should be to ask them. If it came to it, I'd pay for it.

It's easy for you to say that, but I don't think you really understand the extent to which it would upset me to have to ask them for money for this. The fact that they'd probably agree to pay is neither here nor there -- the whole thing would feel like an admission of failure on so many different fronts if I had to go and ask them for the money. Also, this may sound strange, but I suspect I'd feel a lot more pressured to "get results" from it if somebody else was paying for it -- I'd feel like I somehow had to justify their expenditure by Getting Better. I can't do that on demand like that.

As for asking you to pay for it, I just couldn't. I couldn't accept it if you offered, and it'd hurt me if you did offer, because I'd have to say no, but I'd feel like I was rejecting your offer and "not wanting to get better" and all kinds of other things.

Please, can we leave this aspect of the discussion?

When I re-read my earlier comment last night, I realised that it could be interpreted as me being anti-counselling.

I didn't read it like that; but you seemed to be saying that sitting down and having a talk with somebody you know was a viable substitute for counselling. I was just saying that I think they're completely different things, and as such will be helpful for different people and/or at different times.

I feel like I've continued to improve over the last several months under my own steam [anyone is most welcome to disagree at this point, and I'll listen, and reconsider if appropriate]

There are ... certain aspects of how you're "coping" that make me very worried about you. You've said you don't want to discuss them in unlocked entries so I won't go into details here, and I don't think that stuff necessarily means that you're not "improving" -- sometimes things look worse while they're getting better, if you see what I mean -- but I do think it's something that needs dealing with.

It's more like you are a catalyst --- I don't need or expect you to be an oracle.

Indeed, and a counsellor is only a catalyst too -- but hopefully they're a better, more experienced one. And one that isn't going to suddenly have unpredictable reactions as a result of impurities in whatever substance it is you're using as a catalyst. (Um, analogy overload.) The solutions will always come from within, though other people can help you to find them, or at least help you learn to look for them. But some people are better at that help than others.