in a timeless, placeless place
Jan. 15th, 2004 11:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
j4There are two phrases that keep coming into my mind: I'm just so tired and I want to go home. I don't even know what they mean any more, really. "Tired" is what happens between waking up and going to sleep. "Home" is something that happens to other people.
I can't go on like this. But I don't know how to stop.
I don't think I can even go on for another week like this. So I just go on for another day. And another. And another. And so on, until they days become... nothing. I haven't experienced a month for over 5 months. Just a string of days, and the occasional week.
I feel so hollow inside from crying and from not sleeping. I don't want to sleep now. Maybe I'll never sleep again. I don't want to draw lines between the days, you see. Then I won't have to live another day, I can just go on living this one, and telling myself that I'll give up tomorrow.
I can't see any future. I can't even see tomorrow morning. It'll happen whether I like it or not, but I can't envisage it, I can't plan for it. It'll just shake me rudely awake when the time comes, and there'll be nothing I can do about it, and I'll get up and get dressed and go out as if I'm still dreaming. Maybe I am.
I can't go on like this. But I don't know how to stop.
I don't think I can even go on for another week like this. So I just go on for another day. And another. And another. And so on, until they days become... nothing. I haven't experienced a month for over 5 months. Just a string of days, and the occasional week.
I feel so hollow inside from crying and from not sleeping. I don't want to sleep now. Maybe I'll never sleep again. I don't want to draw lines between the days, you see. Then I won't have to live another day, I can just go on living this one, and telling myself that I'll give up tomorrow.
I can't see any future. I can't even see tomorrow morning. It'll happen whether I like it or not, but I can't envisage it, I can't plan for it. It'll just shake me rudely awake when the time comes, and there'll be nothing I can do about it, and I'll get up and get dressed and go out as if I'm still dreaming. Maybe I am.
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Re: giving it all up
Date: 2004-01-17 12:44 pm (UTC)I don't know how to respond to "Be happy" when it's voiced as an order. If I'm not happy, then I'm not happy. I can't force myself to be happy with something that makes me miserable. I'm not saying that only one thing in the world can make me happy -- but I'm certainly not happy with where I am at the moment.
And things like this:
Believe me, lots of people manage to have a good life just by accepting that they can't depend on their plans or envisionings, and living, making the most of what they do have, from day to day.
only serve to make me feel desperately guilty for not feeling happy. After all, my superiors tell me that I must be happy and grateful for all the wonderful things in my life: what kind of hopeless failure must I be if I can't even manage that much? I might as well just bow out and let a worthwhile human being have all the opportunities that I'm wasting.