Banker

Jan. 25th, 2010 08:48 pm
j4: (blade)
Just had the most maddening conversation ever with Alliance & Leicester's internet banking helpdesk. Notes here mostly for my own benefit because I'll write them up into a proper complaint before moving to a different bank.

The fail, it burns )

Perhaps a new New Year's Resolution (no, I haven't forgotten, but I haven't done them yet either) should be to find a bank whose internet banking isn't shit. :-/ Any recommendations?
j4: (trystero)
Phoned to activate my new debit card and ended up getting a lecture on the dangers of identity theft from the sales girl (trying to sell me some kind of 'identity protection insurance').

"According to your records, you don't seem to have any identity protection in place. Is that correct?"
"Er, yes, guess so."
"Is there a good reason for that?"
"Er?"
"Or is it just that you don't know anything about it?"
"Well, I'm aware of the issues, and the bank has tried to sell me all sorts of card protection things before, but it's not something I'm overly worried about..."

There followed a long and might-have-been-patronising-if-actually-coherent lecture about the difference between card fraud and identity theft, along the lines of "see, with your card, if they defraud your card, then that's your card, and the bank takes responsibility for that, but if they steal your identity, and use it to get new cards, then they've stolen your identity, and that's when the problems start, because they've got your identity." Well, glad they've cleared that up, anyway.

Of course, they're not trying to sell me anything, no, just advising. So in the hope of shutting them up I said they could send me some information about the service they're offering, yes, please, that'd be great. Which triggered another lecture on how "well, we can't send it in the post, because it would be really stupid to send things about identity theft in the post." Huh? I try to explain. "I'm not suggesting sending the Identity Protecting PIN or whatever it is in the post -- though obviously you do send cards and PINs in the post -- I only meant that you could send some information about the service you're offering." "No, but, that's your card, and your PIN, and we have to send that in the post, because of law, but that's different. But you see obviously it would be really stupid to say we want to protect your identity and then send you something about it in the post. I don't know if you're aware but they only need your name and address."

My name and address, fact-finders, are in the Phone Book. My post comes via the Royal Mail or whatever they're called these days now that they're probably owned by Microsoft and it's Health and Safety gone mad out there. My post gets posted through the letter box. It doesn't go through some kind of secret mail escrow system, it doesn't get picked up by W.A.S.T.E and delivered to me by cycle courier at midnight when there's a new moon. If Alliance and Leicester are so fucking worried about putting my name and address on an envelope, they could start by not sending me a) the letters offering me loans, b) the letters offering me more credit, c) the letters offering me more credit card cheques, d) the letters telling me what the current rates of interest are, all of these with -- you guessed it -- my name and address, and a bloody great orange-and-blue "ALLIANCE AND LEICESTER" stamp on the front of the envelope. (I seem to remember HSBC went through a phase of sending new cards in a big envelope with no branding and the name and address in Comic Sans, so that nobody would think "ooh, new bank card, must steal"; unfortunately this had the side-effect of making me more likely to throw it away or at least leave it unopened for a month because it was clearly junk mail. I'm sure when I was a student you could only pick your new card up from the bank -- cue regular sessions of trying to explain that my branch was in Loughborough but I lived in Oxford so I'd like to collect the card from the Oxford branch, HOW HARD CAN THIS BE? -- whereas now you don't even seem to get offered that option. Presumably that would be the more secure way to do it, forcing you to turn up at the branch with your passport, but that would cost the bank money rather than gaining them money. Market forces are not about trying to make things easier for you. But I digress.)

Anyway, apparently identity theft is on the increase, and they get nearly one case a month now (so, not really that many out of the 1.72m active current accounts -- and that's just personal accounts, not businesses -- that their annual report claims they had in 2007). Also, I'm assuming that it still counts as a case of identity theft even if it's caught early and doesn't cause any major damage -- in the same way that I'm part of the INTERNET CARD FRAUD OH NOES statistics because somebody tried to defraud my card (to the tune of about 2 quid) and A&L caught it, told me, and gave me a new card. If all these cases involved real scare stories like people being thrown out of the country because someone else had claimed their identity, then surely it would be a spate by now, and would be reported more often? Not in the news, where obviously people wouldn't report things which might damage the economy, but on the web? Come on, bloggers, how many of you have been given hush money not to blog about the identity theft you've suffered? Or is it that once you've had your identity stolen, you can't get a blog any more, so you are SILENCED?

I'm not trying to trivialise the awfulness of identity theft actually happening to an individual (like all crimes, if it happens to you, arguing about the probability of it having happened to you is somewhat less interesting/relevant than the process of trying to undo the damage or get compensation) but I am fed up of the amount of scaremongering that goes on in an attempt to sell extra insurance to neurotic people. "We're not trying to scare you," said the girl on the phone, "we're just trying to advise you and give you the facts and figures." Hmmmm. I counted precisely one fact and/or figure, and it wasn't a very impressive one. It really takes quite a lot more than that to sell me insurance.

Also, unrelatedly, I am annoyed that 'activating' my debit card requires me to listen to a fifteen-year-old insurance salesgirl trying to tell me the Facts of Internet, while 'activating' my credit card merely requires me to go through an automated key-press system, which I can do without switching the music off. Also also and furthermore, I AM TRYING TO DRINK COFFEE, STOP TRYING TO SELL ME THINGS. I think that might be my new meaningless t-shirt slogan catchphrase for this week.

Still, let's have a poll:

[Poll #1196865]

So there.

Card work

Feb. 22nd, 2007 11:02 am
j4: (shopping)
A few weeks ago I finally got round to cancelling three credit cards (leaving me with just one, which is quite enough). The three to get the chop were:

HSBC - the card I got with my student account in 1996, heavily used until about 6 months ago
Egg - a card I originally got on a 0% balance transfer deal to help me pay off the HSBC card, and had used occasionally thereafter
first direct - ditto, except that I hardly ever used this card after the initial balance transfer

The banks' different approaches to cancelling the cards were interesting to note.

first direct eventually sent a clear and official-looking letter and form with a pre-paid envelope to confirm cancellation and return my card (cut in half).
Egg phoned me up fairly promptly to confirm that I wanted to cancel, to tell me that I didn't need to return the card so long as I destroyed it, to ask me why I was cancelling it (on being told "I just don't need more than one credit card" they just said "fair enough!" and didn't push or argue) and to read me the small print (I can't reapply within 12 months).
HSBC ... nada. Absolutely no checking, no acknowledgement, but I can no longer log in to my online banking, so I assume they have closed the account. (Some of you may remember that it took me FIVE MONTHS to close my current account with them, and when I finally managed to overcome their obstructiveness to achieve this -- after several phone calls and two visits to the branch -- I asked them to send me a closing statement; they said they would, and never did.)

I was rather hoping that HSBC would ask me why I was leaving, and they didn't even do that, so I didn't have a chance to tell them it was because of their consistently appalling customer service, uncompetitive rates, unhelpful staff, total lack of communication, and generally being as much use as a chocolate fireguard. A mouldy chocolate fireguard. It seems a bit pointless writing to them now to complain about a service I no longer use, but instead I'll just disrecommend them here.

The annoying thing is that HSBC are one of the (as far as I can tell) very few banks who explicitly offer a house-sharing mortgage for up to four people. Unfortunately I wouldn't trust them to organise the proverbial drinking spree in a drink-producing establishment, let alone to manage a mortgage, so I'm just hoping that some more competent banks will start to offer the same. (Not because I'm personally interested in it, just because I think it's a Good Thing!)

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