Who knows where the time goes?

[j4]

Wednesday:
Finally gave up and called in sick to work, too tired to stand up. I had been having trouble sleeping because of bunged-up-ness and sore throat, so I didn't feel too guilty. (If you can see or hear it, it's a real illness... No, really.)

Intended to get some sleep, but people kept distracting me with irc and email. Not that I ever mind at the time, of course. Eventually my body worked out that it wasn't going to get any sleep even if it kept pestering me, so it perked up a bit. Which was fortunate, as it meant I was awake enough to meet up with hoiho for dinner and poetry. Good food, good poetry, better company. :-) Roger McGough was excellent as usual; hoiho has already done a short version of the standard review, so just imagine I did one here too. ("Blah blah Liverpool poets ... on good form ... from the poignant to the philosophical to the just plain funny ... truths for our times, memorably expressed ... etc.")

"The Way Things Are" still hit me just the way it always does, though.


Thursday:
Had lunch in town with lnr, which was lovely, even if she was a bundle of nerves about her Hot Date. :-) Did more shopping than I should have done ... bought a cute little denim halter-neck top, and a black shirt with a MILLION BILLION POCKETS on it. Also finally gave in and bought the tATu album.

Thought I had karate after work, but when I got there somebody else was just arriving thinking it was time for their lesson... of course I'd forgotten that there was a sword workshop on Friday (tonight) this week, so I was counting that as my week's lesson. Felt annoyed with myself for being so stupid.

I'd agreed to stay in for "quality time" (blehh, horrid phrase) with sion_a last night, & we tried to talk about stuff but just ended up making each other tearful and miserable. Not helped by me being twitchy about other stuff anyway. More or less sorted things out short-term, and curled up to watch "The Big Sleep" together -- fantastic film! -- but I still don't feel like much has been sorted out or changed long-term. :-(


And now:
I'm tired, so tired. I feel hollow inside.

In the animated film "Flight of Dragons", they explain how dragons fly; it's all to do with hot air, and limestone in the belly. Anyway, if you run out of limestone, or you breathe out too much fire, you run out of hot air and you can't fly any more. If you let it get to that point, there's nothing you can do about it; you just crash and burn.

I seem to have been thinking about dragons a lot lately.

Also thinking about personals ads. Finding it very difficult to write one for myself, because I can think of so many different ones depending on the mood I'm in. Currently thinking of something along the lines of:

"Tired saggy jumper seeks strong body to give it new shape. Wear me in, wear me out! Unravelling in places but still comfortable."

... I feel like I've lost all my sharp edges. Things used to be brighter, sharper, clearer. Mostly I just want to sleep.

Comments

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

One of my friends really liked The Flight Of Dragons at the time, then ealuscerwen brought it up a few weeks ago. Some day I shall have to watch it again, ideally some day soon.

Sorry I don't write more. I do think about you and do care about you but it's difficult to find words which I think might be helpful or useful very frequently.

From memory, I thought you posted something recently about your money situation - unfortunately, I've looked through your recent postings and can't find it to refer to it. Nevertheless, I have got a vague feeling that you recently renewed your seriousness with which you were trying to moderate your spending and that you did want people to call you on it (ugh - horrid Americanism, but YKWIM) when things seemed astray. By your comment Did more shopping than I should have done this has been at the forefront of your mind recently. I don't want to cause you needless angst, particularly at the moment (though is there ever a good time?) but I'd like to express concern about the way things are going financially for you at the moment. If I do remember correctly and you do want people to express concern when it seems to be particularly appropriate, then I'm doing so right now whether it really is appropriate or not. (If I don't remember correctly, kindly imagine I hadn't posted this!)

[j4.livejournal.com]

Sorry I don't write more. I do think about you and do care about you but it's difficult to find words which I think might be helpful or useful very frequently.

That's okay. *hugs* It's good to hear from you when you do write stuff. And I'm sorry I don't comment more on your LJ.

[money stuff]
You're right, and I needed prodding -- thank you! Have been mostly keeping track, and on the whole managing to spend a lot less than usual, but over the last couple of weeks I've spent rather a lot. Partly because there have been things I've wanted to do, places I've wanted to go, before the chance passes me by; partly because I've been feeling down and needing to cheer myself up. (These two reasons are so closely interconnected that I'm not sure it was worth mentioning them as separate items.) Need to buckle down and start counting the pennies again. <sigh>

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

I do think the two things are distinguishable and that if it's only (or nearly only) things which involve spending money that make you cheerful then this may be something worth addressing. It's stating the obvious but you may find it useful to train yourself to do more fun free things which aren't going to cause angst in other ways. (For instance, at some point I mean to do the "write 50 things which make you happy in 20 minutes" thing at some point, work out which ones on there are free and try to increase the extent to which I do them.)

I've been having a money-wibble day myself. No details here now, but maybe soon.

Happy to prod. Thank you and respect to you for taking the prod so well.

mountains of things

[j4.livejournal.com]

if it's only (or nearly only) things which involve spending money that make you cheerful then this may be something worth addressing.

I think you're right, but I don't really know how to address it. ... This worries me. I'm used to being able to figure things out and change them. I've built my life on sorting out my life. (Yes yes... shifting sandcastles, and an obvious bootstrapping problem. But seriously.)

Too hungover to write about this coherently but it's partly about identity, and partly about control, and partly just about wanting shiny things because they're shiny.

It's stating the obvious but you may find it useful to train yourself to do more fun free things which aren't going to cause angst in other ways.

Nothing's completely free. Everything has an impact somewhere, and my finances are something that has limited fallout; particularly limited emotional impact on people I care about.

People make me happy. But spending time with people nearly always seems to involve spending money -- in pubs, or shopping, or eating, or whatever. I don't want to stop my friends having fun just because I'm too stupid to earn as much money as they do. :-(