Etiquette question

[j4]

If someone invites you to a party, and the invitation doesn't say "bring partners" (but does imply that it's okay to bring friends), and your partners are not on the invite list in their own right, is it rude to email and ask whether it's okay to bring partners? Would it be rude (even ruder?) to just bring partners anyway (on the basis that they are my friends as well)? Or should one assume that if the partners in question were welcome in the first place, they would have been on the invite list?

Comments

[rbarclay.livejournal.com]

Whoa, either you interpreted too much into my stetement or I didn't express myself clearly enough.

Obviously, I don't expect my partner to like all my friends or vice versa. Nor do I like all my partners friends (and vice versa, probably). The "us" is just the default, no more, no less.

[j4.livejournal.com]

The "us" is just the default, no more, no less.

I'm sorry if I read too much into your question. But to my mind defaulting to the assumption that your partner is invited to anything you're invited to is rude -- it's assuming that a) people know who your partner is (this is not always the case IME, as it's subject to change and not all the parties I go to are those of close friends), and b) that they want to invite that person.

It's also not an assumption that I would want anybody to make about me and my partner(s). To me, the implication of that assumption is that by default I'm no longer an individual in my own right; that I'm some kind of "buy one, get one free" offer attached to somebody else. Obviously there's a similar implication about my partner(s) but I'll leave it to them to be offended (or not) about that, being individuals and capable of taking their own offence...

[rbarclay.livejournal.com]

I'd say that depends strongly on the view of and on relationships in general, and on the social circly one is in.

assuming that a) people know who your partner is (this is not always the case IME, as it's subject to change and not all the parties I go to are those of close friends),

Well, the parties I go to usually are those of (more-or-less) close friends or ones where I'm dragged to by some close friend of the host. In the latter case asking (by proxy of the person dragging me there, usually) is mandatory for me.

I should also note that in my social environment, relationships tend to be monogamous and long-term, which I guess also accounts for some amount on the different POVs.

and b) that they want to invite that person.

Where our (I guesstimate) different views on the default situation hits again.

[j4.livejournal.com]

I should also note that in my social environment, relationships tend to be monogamous and long-term, which I guess also accounts for some amount on the different POVs.

Possibly; but even if I was monogamously married to somebody for the rest of my life (and it's possible, it just hasn't happened yet), I would still hope that I was regarded as an individual with a right to have a social life which didn't always automatically include my partner.

And before you tell me that only naive 20somethings in weird-assed open relationships think like this, and that I'll grow out of it, it's also true of my parents -- if one of them is invited somewhere they don't automatically assume that the other is invited, and their respective friends don't automatically assume that the other will attend if they're not invited. And they've been married (and TTBOMK monogamous!) for over 30 years now.

And I know plenty of other long-married couples who think the same. In fact, I was told very firmly on usenet the other day that only immature couples think they have to go everywhere together, and that mature married couples have long since grown out of this and have their own separate lives...

and b) that they want to invite that person.
Where our (I guesstimate) different views on the default situation hits again.

Well, like you say, it does depend on the sort of social circle you're in. It sounds like the people who you're visiting will already know that if they invite you then they're also inviting your partner.

But in general I wouldn't want to assume that somebody who had invited me to a party or other random social gathering was aware of the Divine Right of Couples (or does it only apply to monogamous couples?) to go everywhere together even if they're not invited.

Divine Right of Couples

[ewx.livejournal.com]

I like that phrase.

[rbarclay.livejournal.com]

And before you tell me that only ...

It's not that I think my views on that are berrer or somesuch. Those are my views, valid only for me and in my social context. And who knows, maybe I'm only a naive 20something in a weird-assed not-very-open relationship ;-?
I specifically tried to not rate any lifestyle better than another, just wanted to provide some background on the social context I live in since I guessed that accounts for some of the differences in our views.

It sounds like the people who you're visiting will already know that if they invite you then they're also inviting your partner.

Unless they state otherwise, yes, it's the underlying assumption. That does not mean that stating otherwise would be a problem. Also doesn't mean that it'd be a problem if the partner doesn't come along. Plus, last not least, it doesn't imply that if I wouldn't want to bring my partner along would become a problem. It does mean that when one does something outside the usual context (say, going to the farewell-party of an ex-colleague you've never known that well. Example taken out of my recent social activities) it'd be a good idea to not rely on the assumption but to ask.
And to get back on the original topic: if the person had a problem with the asking itself, I'd probably decline the offer anyway.

But in general I wouldn't want to assume that somebody who had invited me to a party or other random social gathering was aware of the Divine Right of Couples (or does it only apply to monogamous couples?) to go everywhere together even if they're not invited.

And there's no "Divine Right Of Couples" for me, be they mono- or polygamous, hetero- or homosexual, or whatever. I just tried to provide some background on my views, and I can't tell if you're offended (it does look that way, but with english not being my native language and not knowing you personally, it's pretty hard to tell).