Study in blue

[j4]

Seeing hoiho's enthusiasm for his PhD application, and reading marnameow's post about wanting to study again, is really bringing home to me how much I miss studying. I originally wanted to do postgrad work in English, but my tutors talked me out of it (on the grounds that people only stood a chance of getting funding if they got a First, and they didn't think I should count on getting one); so I left, and got a job, and now I'm still in that job, and I feel as though I've achieved precisely nothing in the 3+ years I've been doing it.

The problem is, I don't think I'd know how to study any more. And I certainly wouldn't know how to begin writing about my "current research interests" as I'd have to do if I wanted to apply to do postgrad study -- basically, looking at the application forms and requirements, I need to be doing research in order to start doing research. Which means I should be doing it in my spare time while I'm working ... and I simply don't have the energy. Which, of course, means I'm not capable of doing postgrad study anyway: if I can't make the time/energy to study now, there's no way I could do a postgraduate degree.

I have so many ideas for things I want to write about, but I no longer seem to be able to put them into words. And if I do try to put them into words, the ideas seem to shrink and shrink until they're the kind of ideas that 14-year-olds would scorn to bother with for GCSE coursework.

I wish I could just make myself accept the fact that I'm not an intellectual, and never will be. Yes, I was passable at my schoolwork; that doesn't mean I can compete with adults. ... I wish I could stop thinking altogether.

Comments

[karen2205]

Yes, I was passable at my schoolwork; that doesn't mean I can compete with adults. ...

And who was telling me that I'm not stupid.....?:-)

Neither are you. You are perfectly well suited to going back to study if that's what you want to do. And like it or not, you *are* an adult - that's how the rest of the world sees you.

I think the important thing to work out is not whether you *can* do it, but *why* you want to do it - what do you see as the best outcome? Have a think around the subject areas you'd like to research - most MAs/MPhils require/allow a dissertation, so writing an essay on the edges of a topic you'd like to use for your dissertation would probably be a good way to remind yourself that you can study and that you really enjoy the material you'd be looking at. Use this together with some undergrad essays as the written work you submit - that way you only have to write one essay, now.

I know what you mean about not having much energy - I reckon it's 'cos it's so close to Christmas and we're all dying for that break to recharge spent batteries and stuff. See if inspiration strikes over the holiday - the libraries won't be open, but I'm sure there's plenty of stuff to be found online.

See if you can talk to a tutor in your subject area - I'm sure there are plenty of tutors who would *love* to have you as their student.

Having spent some time working won't be a bad thing - it shows that unlike many students who progress straight from undergrad to postgrad you know about time management (eg. getting up, going to work, etc).

And see when the closing dates are - someone who is thinking of post grad study in Oxford was shocked to realise the closing date is 15th January.

[j4.livejournal.com]

like it or not, you *are* an adult - that's how the rest of the world sees you.

Is it? Most of the rest of the world seems to see me as at best endearingly gauche, and at worst painfully immature. I don't feel like an adult, I don't/can't do most of the things that adults do.

what do you see as the best outcome?

Spending another year, two years, three years studying. That's the best outcome. What happens after that is something I can decide after that, or decide as I go along. I don't see it as a means to a particular end. It's just something I want to do.

Of course, this is where everybody says "If you want to do it, then do it". I'm sick of being told that by people who don't appear to have ever found anything in their lives difficult.

I know what you mean about not having much energy - I reckon it's 'cos it's so close to Christmas and we're all dying for that break to recharge spent batteries and stuff.

If it was only the last couple of months that I'd had no energy, then maybe that would be it; but it's more like the last couple of years. It's certainly not a seasonal thing (although I think the dark and the cold weather generally make me feel worse).

To be honest, I don't remember what Not Being Tired feels like. :-(

[...] time management

That's a good point. I suppose there are things from work that I could make sound useful. I guess it's just that I know how soul-destroyingly pointless the job really is, so it's hard to make it sound useful...

And see when the closing dates are

Oh, there's no way I could do anything this year. No money, and no time. It'd take me months to put the application together (it takes me days/weeks just to do a job application!) & the closing-dates are generally in Jan/Feb.

Also, no idea where I'm going to be living in two months' time, so no real desire to commit to n years in one place right now. (If hoiho gets his PhD place I'm going to be moving to Edinburgh or somewhere nearby...)

[hoiho.livejournal.com]

Most of the rest of the world seems to see me as at best endearingly gauche, and at worst painfully immature.

Do I know you?

[j4.livejournal.com]

"Most".

(I'm flattered if you think otherwise, but I feel you're in a minority.)

[rysmiel.livejournal.com]

Yopu might want to add one more name to the list of that minority.

[j4.livejournal.com]

While it's nice that you and hoiho think differently, it doesn't really change the general feeling. The way I feel hopelessly inadequate at work, and in normal adult social interactions; the way I feel like I just don't know how to live as an adult. It's different with friends; they understand, or at least are sympathetic; I can tell friends things like "I still get lost in Cambridge after 3 years", and "I don't understand pensions/mortgages/shares/etc.", and "I completely go to pieces in interviews because I have such trouble remembering what part I'm supposed to be playing and what's okay to say and what I'm supposed to lie about", and "I feel physically sick when I have to fill in official forms, because I don't understand them and I never know what the right answer is". My friends don't usually look at me like I'm a freak when I say stuff like that. I can only assume that they see something likeable in me despite the fact that I'm incompetent and immature. :-/

[angua.livejournal.com]

All the things you just listed as things you can tell your friends are things that happen to me/I do as well...

I don't think they make either of us less grown up. I have a sneaky suspicion that people who claim to be competent in all things are the ones who are generally fucking it up big style.

[taimatsu]

I get lost everywhere I've lived; in Wimbledon, in Oxford, in Reading. I carried a map constantly when I lived in Oxford, and used it, too.

When it comes to your mental list of 'things adults do' I think most people have some problems with some things on the list. Some people just hide it better. Sure, there are people who manage wonderfully and act totally grown-up all the time. They're, IME, usually a good 20 years older than you are, and have natural talents for things like organisation and self-presentation. People nearer our age are, I think, highly likely to feel like you do.

I want to say that you don't have to be an adult, you just have to be you, but I know that's not helpful because the problem is partly with your perception of yourself and your capabilities, and partly with other people's expectations which you feel you can't meet.

I'm struggling with this myself at the moment. I just had my probation review at work, and they are extending the probationary period to 6 months instead of 3, because my timekeeping and aspects of my organisational skills aren't satisfactory. I felt like shit this afternoon about this, but my managers were pleasant and helpful about it and I am feeling a bit better now. But it does make me feel a bit like a failed adult. Like, people keep telling me I'm over-qualified for what I'm doing, and I can't even get *this* right. I'll be fine, I have till May to sort it, and then I either get the fantastic birthday present of a confirmed job, or the, er, other thing.

Sorry, didn't mean to get gloomy at you. Don't think I've said much useful either. But I'm in that there minority too, you know.