You can only go so far in your mind

[j4]

Appointment with counsellor last night wasn't as bad as I'd expected in one sense, but was worse in another.

The woman I saw was easy to talk to, laughed at my jokes, commented on the BiCon t-shirt I was wearing as a lead-in to some questions about why I was depressed at school, was totally unfazed by poly stuff, seemed to be asking helpful questions. "This might actually be useful," I thought to myself. Then at the end of the session she told me that I needed more counselling (more sessions, more experienced person) than she or the practice in general could give. And that the only way I could get that would be to go private. :-(

So I've got a list of phone numbers for counselling services, good wishes and good luck from Imogen ... and no idea how I'm going to afford >=£35/week for something that I can't convince myself I really need. I think it might be helpful, but, well, a) it's never been that helpful in the past, and b) I haven't been having counselling for the past 3 years, and I haven't died, so it can't exactly be essential.

Of course, if I didn't spend money on stupid stuff like going to the pub and buying CDs and books (okay, and shoes, and swords) then I'd probably be able to afford it. ... Although then I'd feel like I ought to be paying that money into the mortgage/bills/house repairs etc. rather than paying somebody to teach me how to do stuff that by now I should be able to do anyway. <sigh>

Comments

[kaet.livejournal.com]

Call me a hopeless convert if you like. Go on....

I know what you mean about asking your parents, particulrarly about not wanting you to think them a failure, that's why I've not told mine, and I don't think I could ask them for the money. (Though people and parents are different).

I've been very lucky that the work counselling service can do a ling session with me (lucky not just in terms of where I work, but lucky in terms of just timing luck too), but before I knew I could do that I was thinking about seeing someone, and how much I'd pay on it. The money and stuff is different for the two of us, but not that different I don't think compared to lots of people, (I'm on 18k, fwiw), and I thought thirty or forty would be okay as long as it was for just a few months. I don't know how long these things tend to last, but perhpas that's something they could tell you about in advance of starting properly. I don't know what your expectations are, or experience with counsellors already (I'd none) but I was very ambivalent at the start (can you be very ambivalent? none-more-equally ambivalent?).

I'm finding it awkward to talk about it in lj, not emotionally but because we're all exchanging long stuff by typing into tiny postboxes. If you want to ask me about things then email me (or speak to me when you see me irl!). I'd be happy to talk about things.

[j4.livejournal.com]

The money and stuff is different for the two of us, but not that different I don't think compared to lots of people, (I'm on 18k, fwiw),

I'm on 16.75K, and almost half of that goes directly into the joint account as my contribution to mortgage, council tax, bills, etc.

I don't know what your expectations are, or experience with counsellors already (I'd none)

Saw a child psychiatrist when I was about 15. Saw various counsellors, psychiatrists, psychologists, etc. while at university. (Oh, and a brief chat with the "mental health nurse" during a brief stay in the hospital. That was entertaining.) Had counselling, CBT, and CAT. More and more I just started to feel like I was a character in a Beckett play, trapped in a giant urn, forced to tell and retell my life story in some kind of eternal narrative limbo. Or perhaps the Cumaean Sibyl, who was cursed with eternal life:

Nam Sibyllam quidem Cumis ego ipse oculis meis vidi in ampulla pendere, et cum ill pueri dicerent: Σιβυλλα τι θελες; respondebat illa: αποθανειν θελω.