Vicious cycle

[j4]

Dear cyclists,

Cycling on the pavement is illegal. The reason it's illegal is that it is ANTISOCIAL, STUPID, and potentially DANGEROUS.

Cycling on a crowded pavement, even if it wasn't illegal, would still be ANTISOCIAL, STUPID and potentially DANGEROUS.

When you are told "stop cycling on the pavement" by somebody you have just nearly run over by trying to cycle off a busy pedestrian crossing onto a very narrow pavement, the correct answer is not to point at a nearby toddler on a plastic trike (on the pavement) and say "He's cycling on the pavement." Nor is it to yell "FUCK OFF".

Toddlers are allowed to cycle on the pavement, even though it's still fucking irritating and still fucking painful when they run over your heels/toes. However toddlers have an excuse for being as annoying and stupid as 2-year-olds, namely they're, like, actually two years old, and are still in training for being useful and non-irritating members of the human race. If you are riding a bike that's nearly as tall as me and you're old enough to have a stupid haircut, a tweed jacket and a cocking iPod -- and to shout FUCK OFF at strangers -- then I'm guessing you're actually old enough to learn to cycle on the road.

Furthermore, even if some OTHER CRETINS have parked their white vans and their sodding vanity-numberplated SUVs in the cycle lane and the zigzags so they can sit and read the paper while their morbidly obese other half waddles the 1.5 metres to the shop to buy fags and cake, that STILL doesn't make you NOT a cretin for cycling on the pavement.

Oh, and while we're here:

Cycling while smoking or using a mobile phone is probably not, in itself, illegal. It is, however, STUPID and potentially DANGEROUS. Yes, I know, you have superhuman balance and control and psychic powers which prevent other people doing anything unpredictable within a 5-metre radius of you; you are therefore quite capable of cycling while smoking, texting and juggling chainsaws, WHILE BLINDFOLDED. So get a fucking unicycle and join the circus. Oh, by the way, unicycling on the pavement? ALSO ILLEGAL.

No love,
me.

P.S. AND NINTHLY I don't want to know how ACTUALLY you ALWAYS cycle on the 40-foot-wide well-lit pavement outside your HOUSE and it's just the fascism of the nanny state and health-and-safety-gone-mad that says that's illegal and besides bikes have a decree from THE QUEEN that says they're allowed to run you over if they want to whereas cars are evil and are technically disallowed by the second law of thermodynamics. I also don't give a fuck how you cycled on a pavement when nobody was there to see and therefore it can't have really been illegal, unless you also prove at the same time that you can SHUT THE FUCK UP in the woods when there's nobody there to listen to you.

Comments

[j4.livejournal.com]

To be honest, on a bike, I would still get off and push. If the traffic is really passing the obstruction "at a walking pace" (you say that this is "not unusual", but I've never seen it happen) then you're not losing anything by pushing the bike (except presumably whatever sort of bizarre macho instinct leads young men to wobble around precariously on their pedals at lights and eventually nearly fall over rather than just putting a foot down in the first place), and you're less intimidating to pedestrians.

It also depends what you regard as a "non-trivial obstruction". If a taxi's parked in the middle of the road (not unusual), is it okay for cars to round it on the pavement? Doesn't that just convey the message that it's fine for people to park in antisocial places because cars can just use the pavement?

I'd also question the legality of it. I mean, sure, if the road has caved in then the police may put cones around it and direct traffic across a bit of the pavement; but I'd be interested to know how the law covers wholly subjective line-drawing like "unreasonable" and "non-trivial".

But since a) you're basically in agreement with me, and b) I've had the moral equivalent of a cup of tea and a sit down since posting, and c) I like you, I won't bite your head off. :-}

[arnhem.livejournal.com]

Doing a bit of self-review, I think part of what I was implying is that I'm moderately tolerant of motor vehicles very cautiously using the pavement where it's a practical solution to a problem, to an extent that exceeds my preparedness to do so on my bike (as you point out, it's easy to get off and walk it; this isn't so much of an option for a car or lorry). I don't get particularly narked when the Sainsbury's delivery lorries are trying to get in and out of Sidney Sainsbury's, for instance. I do invariably [errm, I think I can remember one exception to this in the last few years that I'm annoyed with myself about] get off and walk when there's delivery lorries blocking Trinity St in the morning, and the only way past them is pavement. I should probably add a rider that I think I probably have been less good about this in the distant past.

</very grateful for continued head-attachment> 8-)

[j4.livejournal.com]

Interesting people are much more interesting for much longer if their heads remain attached. 8-) Conversely (and paradoxically) stupid people can be much less stupid with their heads removed.

And, ah, Cambridge nostalgia... I will never forget seeing the woman on a bike turning down the wrong end of Trinity Street (ie wrong way down a one-way street) with a young boy following behind her on his bike, and her looking over her shoulder to call to him "Now it's one way here, so you have to go up on the pavement". My jaw dropped far enough that it may have actually caused an obstruction in the road.

[juliet]

whatever sort of bizarre macho instinct leads young men to wobble around precariously on their pedals at lights and eventually nearly fall over rather than just putting a foot down in the first place), and you're less intimidating to pedestrians.

[ looks slightly guilty & admits that she would like to be able to trackstand & occasionally practices. Though not in front of traffic lights. ]

[j4.livejournal.com]

Oh is that what it's called. :) Is there a reason for it? I mean, apart from that it looks cool when you can do it properly?

Anyway, I don't object to people doing it, I object to them doing it at traffic lights. (I mean, I'd like to be able to ride my bike "hands-free", but there's no way I would practise it on the roads. And I send hundreds of SMSs, but not when I'm riding a bike / driving / crossing the road.)

But the REALLY REALLY annoying thing is when they finally fall over and put their foot down just as the lights change, or fail to see the lights changing at all because they've crept forwards past the lights, so then the people who've been patiently waiting, ready to move off as quickly as possible from a standing start, end up tripping over them GRAAAAHHHHH KILL KILL KILL.

Ahem. *breathe*

[juliet]

Originally I think it is/was useful if you're doing track racing, because it means you can be all clipped in and ready to go straight away the gun goes (rather than having to fumble foot into clips). Although also you get people to hold you up, I think, with racing, so maybe this is Past History. Also useful if you're doing BMX tricks, apparently; or for mountain biking to give you a second to look ahead before diving down/up precipices.

But on roads I think it's mostly that it looks cool :-) I guess it avoids having to unclip, but I'm pretty sure that you actually get away faster if you can use the down-foot to shove off and also get your full body weight on the up pedal. If you *can* do it competently I don't think there's anything wrong with doing it at the lights; that's not the place to practise, though.

People who go ahead of the lights & then CANNOT BLOODY SEE WHEN THEY CHANGE drive me absolutely batty, as well. Grrrrrrr.

My slightly bad habit (according to uon, dogrando, & marnameow when riding behind me) is to slow right down on the approach to traffic lights, because on fixed you get more penalty from stopping (and have better control at low speeds). So I do my best to cruise up to the line slowly enough that the lights can change. This shouldn't inconvience anyone else (because if the lights haven't changed they ain't going anywhere anyway or shouldn't be), and if it's not someone I'm actually *with*, i.e. who is following me, I don't think it does. I just tell Pete, doop, & Marna that they should all start riding fixed, or just go ahead & let me draft them :-)