A shocking young punster from Enfield

[j4]

At some point during the mildly-hungover post-fryup party-recovery session on Sunday morning, a new game was invented (or perhaps I should say perpetrated) by hairyears and aardvark179 (I can't remember precisely where to lay the blame, which is probably for the best), ably aided and abetted by covertmusic, fivemack, taimatsu, addedentry and me. What is this new jeu du jour?

Oxbridge limericks.

It's not an aimless or endless meme: unusually, it's a meme with a publishable goal. The aim is to come up with limericks for each of the Oxford and Cambridge colleges. Most of the examples so far have been scurrilous in the extreme; I offer this most recent contribution phoned in (well, txted in) by hairyears as an exemplar:

The delicate dons of St Hilda's
Were shocked by the bill from the builda's
They charged for the water,
The bricks and the mortar,
And labour, replacing the dilda's.

The only rule over and above those dictated by the form is that the limerick must use the name of the college as the primary rhyme (commonly used shortened forms are acceptable, e.g. "Catz" for St Catherine's).

The ultimate aim is to create two full sets of limericks for each university's colleges: one 'clean' (if you could tell it to your mum -- no, not Your Mum -- then it's probably fine) and one, er, not (see e.g. above). We'll collect the best ones (all entries will be subjected to rigorous peer-review through the media of LJ polls and shouting) and hopefully put them together into something on paper that people can keep (think of this as the Viz to Pocketful of Lies' LRB).

For the time being, just post your limericks as comments here or in your own journal with the tag 'oxbridgelimericks'; in time I may be able to find a better home for them, but I don't want to delay the fun because of boring information management issues. Examples have already been sighted in the wild; it's possible that we may be seeing the start of a limerick pandemic (popularly known as 'rhyme flu').

Go forth and versify!

Comments

[venta.livejournal.com]

This doesn't quite fit your rules, but seems worth sharing (I heard it years ago):

There once was a Dean of Divinity,
Whose daughter retained her virginity.
The Fellows of Magdalen
Must have been dawdlin'
- It would never have happened at Trinity.

I shall now attempt to think up some proper submissions.

[emperor]

Selwyn rhymes with very little :-s

[j4.livejournal.com]

This is the best I can do at short notice (slightly too many syllables and the inner rhyme isn't quite)...

A second-year student at Selwyn
Found her zest for indecency melwyn
She was only found knickerless
Three times in Michaelmas
And one night her bed had no felwyn.

[htfb.livejournal.com]

Three of these are in the New Oxford Book of Light Verse, ed. Kingsley Amis:

There was a young Fellow of Wadham
Who asked for a ticket to Sodom.
When they said "We prefer
Not to issue them, sir,"
He said "Don't call me sir, call me modom."

And two Cambridge ones:

There was a young Fellow of Caius
Who sat with a girl on his knees.
He said to her, "Miss---
Take more trouble with this,
And pay less attention to these."

There was a young Fellow of King's
Who cared not for whores and such things:
His height of desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bum like a jelly on springs.

And unaccountably not collected by Amis, my favourite limerick of all:

There was a young man of St John's
Who attempted to bugger the swans:
But the loyal head porter
Said "Sir, take my daughter.
The Swans is reserved for the Dons."

[j4.livejournal.com]

Excellent! :-)

Though surely, "... sat with a girl on his knaius" etc.? (Not an Oxbridge limerick but I have always liked this one: "A girl who weighed many an oz. / Used language I dare not pronoz. / When a fellow unkind / Pulled her chair from behind / Just to see (so he said) if she'd boz.")

By the way, you're not obliged to write limericks about your alma mater, but if one were, you'd at least be blessed with a productive rhyme (whereas Pembroke is as deficient in limericabilitudinity as in most other things).

[khalinche.livejournal.com]

Oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear. I think we left just in time!

[truecatachresis.livejournal.com]

A quick one for my Alma Mater, then. I tried for a clean one as well, but my mind just wasn't able.

There was a young fellow from Oriel
Who made much of his outings arboreal
He was found up to no good
When instead of a wood
He was traced to an infamous gloryhole

[j4.livejournal.com]

Bravo!

I bet no-one else can 'do' THIS college...

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

A virginal student of Somerville
Insisted on sex up the Bomerville
Keep clear of my muff
Or I'll get up the duff
And be sure to wipe off any Cum-a-spill.

Re: I bet no-one else can 'do' THIS college...

[j4.livejournal.com]

Nrrrghhhh.

You are a veritable bard of filth. Now please pass the mental floss.

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

The Warden and Fellows of Queens
Ate nothing but cabbage and beans
Their querulous quacking
Got financial backing
From specialist sex magazines

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

The crusty old gents of All Souls
Played nothing more risky than bowls
And that, with constraints
On receiving complaints
In writing (in Greek!) from the moles

[j4.livejournal.com]

Aww! That's sweet.

(All filthed out, are you? :-)

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

There once was a Fellow of Christ's
Who performed quite a number of heists.
When arrested (oh golly)
He admitted his folly:
"I wanted to spend on the nicest..."

(I found rhyming Christ's really really hard. I shall now have a go at my other alma mater.)

[megamole.livejournal.com]

The Warden and Fellows of Christ's
Eat undergrads chopped, minced and sliced;
The veggie from Leeds
Will only eat Swedes
While the Gambling Don likes them diced.

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

Dining one day at St Cross
A student rode by on a hoss.
I exclaimed at his daring;
He said, nothing caring,
"The Fellows were gathering moss!"

the unrhymes are deliberate

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

A physicist's mistress at Worcester
Discovered her man had revercester,
But his temporal tricks
Left her aged only six!
If only he could have divorcester.

(Please not to be sacked kthxbye.)

and for the alma mum

[addedentry.livejournal.com]

A gentleman's man at St Catz
Insists upon navy cravats;
With equivalent hanky,
The right sort of panky
Means he'll never be landed with brats.

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

There was a young girl at Christ's College
Who sought out increased carnal knowledge.
She ran into the Dean
Who did something obscene;
His skill she quite quickly acknowledged.

(Only because Christ's College *is* the official name of the college.)

[covertmusic.livejournal.com]

Here's one I was quite proud of. Clean, too;

The assorted fellows of Jesus
Kept a herd of macaques (was it rhesus?)
Sent them over to Sidney
where they climbed down the chimneys
and committed all kinds of malfeasance.

[covertmusic.livejournal.com]

Actually, no, it's not that good. But at least it rhymes.

There's a reason I don't write lyrics. :)

one for the old hall

[cleanskies.livejournal.com]

A brash hackish bitch from Exeter
Had a rum way to decide who was next for her
She'd line boaties up
and offer her cup
To the cock who'd best pose stretch and flex at her

also : you requested photos?

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeremy_dennis/3523704822/)

(http://www.flickr.com/photos/jeremy_dennis/3522881683/)

... and a few more on the click through. SFX *faints* at the sudden rush of new foot fans flocking to her flickr stream

Re: one for the old hall

[pseudomonas.livejournal.com]

An old one, not mine:

There was a young lady from Exeter
So fair that all men craned their necks at her.
But one went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

There was a young fellow at Clare
Who had simply too much pubic hair
She'd have a Brazilian
So she didn't feel silly in
Case someone saw her down there.

A senior tutor at Robinson
Would frequently dangle his knob in some
Inappropriate places
Like undergrads' faces
And say "Oh, do stop your sobbin', son!"

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

The aristocrats in Christ Church
Have morals that none would besmirch
For their lawyers will sue
If you say it's untrue,
And they've left many girls in the lurch

A collective effort from the Gallerians

[hilarityallen.livejournal.com]

There was a young don at All Souls',
Who wanted to fill all her holes.
Her most popular stunt
Involved only one punt,
But the use of at least seven poles.

[simont]

That's reminding me, actually, that drswirly once related a limerick to me that someone apparently recited at a Corpus formal dinner, which would probably go straight into this collection. It was along the lines, if I recall rightly, of:

There was a young lady from Girton
Who went for a punt with no skirt on
The pole of the punt
[we're recording tonight so I have to leave this line out]
And her equipoise went for a Burton.

As I recall Gareth's telling, the fourth line was carefully timed to be drowned out by the laugh as the audience figured out what it would be.

This one's clean... But not very nice

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

A horrible College is New
Don't go there whatever you do!
The porters are crafty
The rooms are all draughty
The food is served cold and like spew

[aardvark179.livejournal.com]

An eager young student at Caius
Was found in his room on his knees
He evaded disaster
He was with the master
Who'd clearly been put at his ease.

Inspiration strikes at an ungodly hour of the night...

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

A graduate student of Nuffield
Had beetles and mice in her muffield
They scuttled away
When she rolled in the hay
And now the poor girl's up the duffield

Alas, this means I've duplicated the couplet in my masterwork about Somerville! Perhaps I should rewrite it thus:

A virginal student of Somerville
Insisted on sex up the Bomerville
"You're early!" she said
And they stuck to the bed
In a horrible puddle of Cum-a-spill.

Lady Margaret Hall is going to be tricky; I'd better not hope for another meteor-strike of midnight creativity, as the answer will surely be even filthier than usual.

Anybody got a rhyme for Univ? Pembroke and Hertford, for that matter... Perhaps I should sleep on a rewrite of the Nuffield Limerick, too: if I'm using or misusing 'Muff' and 'Duff' it'd better be so bad it's good, and nastier than the sample jars in a VD clinic.

Re: Inspiration strikes at an ungodly hour of the night...

[jiggery-pokery.livejournal.com]

I just like saying "Bomerville".

There was a young man-slut at Keble
Whose boners were sadly quite feeble
"A toy up the bum
helps get the job done!"
So first thing he tried was a Weeble.

(Is assonsance rather than a strict rhyme worth a yellow card?)

Next party game: limericks about university SOCIETIES.
And NEWSGROUPS.

[aquarionical.livejournal.com]

A Lymerist of some great renown
Who hailed from Enfield town.
Had his honour besmirched
while drowned in research
For the uses of "she was sent down"

Who, me?

[hairyears.livejournal.com]

An eloquent blogger called Nile
Penned posts of great flair, wit, and style
A few were so fruity
He felt it his duty
To put them on premium-rate dial.

[taimatsu]

A daring young lady from New
Was intimate friends with a few;
She'd dance 'em and dine 'em
then try to combine 'em
But couldn't quite fit more than two.

*grin*

[keirf.livejournal.com]

A young Geordie student at Magdalene
When chastised by the porters for dagdalene,
Said "To stand in the court
Quietly hanging abourt
Is better than runnin' rawnd yogdalene."

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

*applause*

Not rude!

[taimatsu]

A budding mixmaster of Lincoln
Made cocktails and dared us to drincoln.
We tried quite a few
Found the best one was blue -
God knows what he put in the pincoln.

Re: Not rude!

[hatmandu.livejournal.com]

Or the rude version:

A lascivious lassie from Linc'n
Led a life of whor'n 'n drink'n
When she ran out of dons
To frot at her mons
She sucked off the Chancellor's pink'n.

[geekette8.livejournal.com]

A lonely young fresher at Girton
Said "I know one thing for certain.
When I'm feeling randy
And have a hand shandy
I always wipe off on the curtain!"

(hmm, need another one for Merton!)

A rotund old Fellow at Fitz
Had a terrible bout of the squitz
His gastric emissions
Caused nuclear fissions
And now the whole bog's on the fritz.